If Kurogane ever had to paint a picture of the apocalypse he never would have been able to imagine something so horrific as this - water in abundance that ate away at stone, steel, and flesh while potable water was jealously guarded and rationed; bodies left to decay in piles as a warning to others that might dare trespass; people starved and broken, clinging to any hope that there might be some salvation. And yet, all of it pales in comparison to his own personal armaggedon playing out right before his eyes.
They are all broken, if not in body then certainly in spirit. Syaoran was taken from them, exchanged for another one only freshly freed from the prison of the bastard who has caused them all such pain. Tears fall from Sakura’s eyes even as she sleeps, heartbroken. Kurogane is covered in his blood and Fai's, clutching tightly (but not too tightly, he is hyper aware of how fragile the body in his arms feels and will not allow himself to cause an ounce more damage to it) to his unconscious form. He listens intently to each shallow breath, measuring them against one another to see if Fai is fading.
He thinks his heart hurts worse than the burns on his back at the moment.
They follow the small crowd of witnesses, the last people of a dying world, and the two reunited vampires away from the now empty reservoir and Kurogane tries not to think about how long these people have before they all die.
The medicine here is low, and the knowledge possibly even lower. Fear begins to creep up from deep within Kurogane’s gut, and it is a losing battle to force it back down. It burns his throat and threatens to falter his footsteps.
Sakura is physically unharmed. This new Syaoran will need some tending, but he seems as strong-willed and determined as the other, so Kurogane knows he will be fine. Kurogane is in pain, but he will live. Fai... Fai he is not so sure about.
There is so much left unsaid between them, and their last conversation - an argument of all things! - replays itself again and again in his mind.
Without thinking, thankful he is the last of the group climbing the stairs, he presses a barely there kiss to Fai’s unbloodied temple, and wordlessly promises to keep him alive, no matter the cost.
I word vomited on him a little while ago in DMs but I’m gonna put it all in a nice little post so he can archive it and reblog it as he likes at his request.
I have to talk about Fai's "shift" in loyalty to Sakura AKA his loyalty never shifted.
In Tokyo you said that Fai wakes up and makes a choice to side with his new family and not with his old motivations (which we now know are FWR’s motivations and Fai’s wish to bring his brother back from the dead/switch places with him). He never actually decides to side with his new family. He’s not at all stepping away from his old ways, in fact, he’s stepping more firmly towards them after coming so close to losing them.
He swears his oath to her after he learns that 1) he got Too Close to the family as a whole and Kurogane loves him (maybe he doesn’t think he’s IN LOVE with him, but he knows Kurogane cares enough to sacrifice his freedom and safety to become Fai’s Game) and 2) Kurogane let Sakura go out into the acid desert alone. You know, Sakura. The key to Fai's entire goal? The key to bringing his brother back to life and fixing everything Fai believes he's done wrong? The entire purpose of Fai even bothering to exist at all?
So he isn't choosing his new family when he swears an oath to Sakura to be her knight to defend her, he's continuing to double down on his original plan and deciding that he's going to protect One Girl because that's been the point of this whole journey and if something bad happens to Sakura everything was for naught. Was there some actual care in the action? For sure, but I think he made the declaration in such a formal way as to help Fai remind himself that he is not there to care for her but to protect her until the time comes to hand her over and bring his brother back. He's trying desperately to regain any resolve he might have had at the idea of betraying this LITERAL CHILD but he is not in any way choosing to take his new family's side.
The love and devotion he was shown by Kurogane has scared him and reminded him (along with Cloney losing his soul and reverting to "merely" a tool for FWR) that he doesn't belong with them and that he is a traitor among them. He is on borrowed time and everything he is, everything he has given them, is falsehoods and lies.
It also adds another layer on to his rage towards Kurogane when he finds out that Sakura is out in the acid desert to fulfill the price for the water. For the first time in the entire manga, Kurogane has made a move that possibly gets in the way of Fai’s goals. Fai holds Kurogane responsible for “allowing” Sakura to go out alone. In Fai’s mind Kurogane should/could have stopped her and done it himself, as was originally intended. This is a multilevel betrayal to Fai and the concern he is showing is at least half towards what Sakura is to him, not who.
Kurogane tells Fai to wait, but waiting is more than just worrying that he daughter might die. It’s waiting to find out if everything he’s been doing for over a year is about to get eaten by a giant worm. Fai is going out to find Sakura, the central piece to fulfilling his goal, the key to reviving his brother, not just his daughter. He threatens Kurogane with violence, but in the back of Fai’s mind we all know he can hear FWR reminding him that he has to kill Kurogane.
Fai does not step into the light at the end of Tokyo, he bitterly embraces the shadow he had nearly escaped from.
Had a thought I think you'd appreciate... What if when Kurogane cut his arm off, instead of going in the hole to save Fai, it just flew off in a random direction?
disease: a fictional disease where the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim’s romantic feelings for their love also disappear.
It had been months since Kurogane had felt so at peace.
He is in incredible pain – the part of his shoulder where he had cut through muscle and bone to sever his arm in order to rescue Fai aches and burns, the whole side of his torso where that insane king had managed to blast him with attack magic rages between stabbing ice and tearing electric shocks. On top of all of that his body feels like one whole bruise and even without moving he can tell he will be weak and stiff, and among all of that are a hundred stinging cuts and scrapes that cry out for an application of soothing balm.
He can breathe clearly, though, and the air he tastes is terribly familiar.
Tomoyo is the second thing he sees when he opens his eyes to the familiar ceiling of Shirasagi Castle’s private medical wing. She is sat by him, eyes soft and voice warm as she welcomes him home. It is what he has been looking for, what this entire, insane, ridiculous journey has been all leading towards. He is finally back at his princess’ side.
Without the Hanahaki tearing him open from the inside he can feel the full pain of the realization that it isn’t all he needs anymore.
The way that Tomoyo speaks to him, though, makes him think that she knows this already, that she expects him to remain by the sides of those he had arrived with. Part of him feels like a traitor. He had sworn an oath, he has a duty, but if Tomoyo gave her blessing is he really breaking his oath? She is, afterall, the one who sent him off in the first place.
This is entirely her fault.
Which reminds Kurogane of something he wants to ask her, now that he can.
“I see you’ve finally learned the true meaning of strength,” Tomoyo says proudly. She touches the empty sleeve at his side gently, her small hand brushing the fabric with only her fingertips. Her hand falls back to her lap as she speaks again. “And that the condition the others were concerned about has cleared up as well.”
He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised that Syaoran and Fai brought up the Hanahaki to Tomoyo and the medics. In the end, he agrees with their choice.
“Speaking of that,” he says. “Did you know this would happen?” He does not insult her by accusing her of anything. The question is what it is; a question. “Is that why you always made me read that fairytale to you?”
Her smile is rueful for a moment, and then she shakes her head. “I didn’t know this would happen,” she clarifies. “But I knew you were someone who was particularly susceptible to the Hanahaki Disease, I needed a way to prepare you, just in case you ever came down with it.”
That is not at all the answer he expects, and it must show on his face when Tomoyo continues without prompting.
“The Hanahaki Disease is an illness that is born of the heart, and those who feel deeply and fiercely are more likely to fall victim to it than those with shallower emotions,” she says, looking up at Kurogane, who feels his jaw slacken slightly. “You have always been someone who deals in extremes, Kurogane, and I knew you would one day leave my side to go on a journey. I had no idea if you would find love on this journey, let alone if that love would be returned or not. I did what I could.”
There is a pang in his chest, one of gratitude and love. It is bittersweet and leaves a dull ache, but it is by no means a bad feeling. It takes a few seconds, but Kurogane does manage to smile, small but heartfelt, and thank Tomoyo. It’s probably the first time he’s thanked her since they were children. He will have to be better about that.
Tomoyo looks happy and proud, there’s a twinkle in her eyes that reminds Kurogane of his mother and when he catches sight of it he doesn’t immediately turn away. He thinks this might be what healing is. It’s a good feeling.
Then, she turns towards the screen door and the rest of the world comes into focus for Kurogane in a snap. “Thank you for waiting, you may come in now.”
How he had failed to sense anything outside of his room is beyond him, but that he didn’t sense Fai standing just on the other side of that thin paper door sends his mind spinning. He nearly panics, his instincts calling for him to rise and double- no triple check the perimeter. His body is unable to meet those demands, but his mind feels as if it may force obedience regardless.
It doesn’t have the chance, though, because Fai is there, whole and alive and wearing a beautiful furisode that Tomoyo no doubt fashioned specifically for him. His hair reflects the warm light of the candles in the corner of the room and the cool moonlight that pours into the room from the open veranda doors where it falls into his face, hiding his one good eye and most of the eyepatch from view. He is breathtaking and Kurogane can feel his pulse quicken with each measured step Fai takes towards him.
He schools his features, waits for several seconds to see if Fai will speak first, and when only silence meets his ears Kurogane says the only thing he can think to, “Hey.”
He is hit soundly on the side of his head, probably the only thing left undamaged from their latest near death adventure, and taken so off guard and so off balance that he finds himself tumbling backwards into the frame of the shoji. He blinks up in confusion and surprise, but before he can demand any explanations he sees it.
Fai is smiling, fist still held up and eye shining with… Kurogane doesn’t know what. He has never seen that look on Fai before, but it’s one he likes. “That’s payback, Kuro-sama.”
If the Hanahaki had not already cleared itself from his lungs it would have at that point. Kurogane’s heart is soaring as he grins up at Fai and promises to kick his ass, the exchange familiar and new all at the same time. He notices Tomoyo take her leave without a word, and is thankful once more. He needs this time with Fai. There is a lot to be said.
And yet they sit together in silence for what could have been days, but what Kurogane knows is probably just shy of an hour. Fai helps him wordlessly to the veranda, eases him down to sit and look out into the familiar sky Kurogane has known all his life, and tucks himself close to the side that is now missing an arm. Even through their clothes and the bandage wrappings, Kurogane can feel the warmth of Fai. He’s hyper aware of their proximity now after so long of having distance forced between them.
The feeling is nice, and the silence isn’t uncomfortable even as it is humming with words unspoken between them. Kurogane knows they should talk, that they need to, but he’s stubbornly unwilling to release this delicate peace he’s been granted. He realizes that he’s worried it will all shatter and be taken away from him again.
So when it’s Fai who finally speaks it’s both a relief and a shock.
“The children are okay,” he says. “More or less.”
Kurogane is glad to hear as much from Fai, but he’s not surprised by the news. He hadn’t been worried over the fate of Syaoran or Sakura, if something had happened to either of them Tomoyo would have made sure to tell him, she wouldn’t have been able to hide it from him. Still, he thanks Fai for the news.
“Tomoyo-chan fussed quite a lot over Sakura-chan, I suppose that might be something that will always be,” he continues. He’s avoiding the true topic at hand, but Kurogane can’t be mad, he’s not doing any better himself. “Everyone’s more or less healed up, except you.”
Fai leans ever so slightly more into Kurogane’s side and Kurogane feels his heart rate pick up. Fai must hear it, the vampire ever tuned in to him, because he leans back almost immediately, an apology half formed on his lips.
Kurogane cuts it off. “Don’t,” he says. Don’t apologize, don’t run away anymore. Don’t put anymore distance between us. He reaches over awkwardly with his single hand and pulls Fai back to him. “It’s okay.”
And it is. It’s all okay. It’s all out in the open now and it’s okay. Or it will be.
“Kuro-sama I-”
“How do you want to be called now?” Kurogane asks, unable to stomach any sort of apology from Fai. He would be a liar if he said he hasn’t been thinking about it either. “The same or with your proper name?”
Fai can only stare at him for what feels like ages. Eventually he snaps out of his stupor and shakes his head. “Is that it? That’s all you have to say?” He doesn’t sound angry. Perhaps incredulous. “After everything you saw, everything you learned, you ask me which name I want to use?”
Kurogane shrugs his uninjured shoulder, the movement awkward for it’s false nonchalance. “I think it’s an important question.” And he does. One’s name is a sacred thing, especially in Nihon. And this man beside him has not used his own birth given name in lifetimes.
“Fai. It’s all I have left of him,” he says, gazing out into the starry night sky. “If I use his name, some part of him still gets to live on.”
Kurogane nods and hums his approval. A good answer and a fine reason. He would have accepted anything Fai told him, but this decision sits well with him easily.
“Now it’s my turn for a question,” Fai says with little preamble. He’s still looking into the stars. “When we arrived we warned the medics and healers about the Hanahaki, but they said it was nowhere to be seen. How can that be?”
It is impossible to tell if Fai had asked Tomoyo about this and had been denied an answer or if he had been agonizing over this question silently while Kurogane slept, but either way, Kurogane is glad to have an answer to give him, especially since he technically owes him one as it is.
“Because the condition to cure it was applied,” he answers. He waits for Fai to meet his eyes before he explains. “Only three things rid a person of Hanahaki; death, the removal of the flower and the sufferer’s love, or the reciprocation of that love.”
Fai’s eye is wide and shimmering with unshed tears. He opens and closes his mouth a few times in false starts until he can finally speak. “But I… I never got the chance to say…”
“When the manjuu was transporting us out of Celes,” Kurogane says. “You said ‘please don’t leave me’ remember?” Fai nods quietly, clearly not understanding. “I knew then. After everything I had seen and everything I knew about you, you never would have said that to me if you didn’t love me as well.”
Love is selfish, and it was that knowledge and the following realization that cleared Kurogane’s heart and lungs of the cursed flower back then. The first clear breath of air had been icy and painful in a way that Kurogane was familiar with for reasons other than heartbreak. He watches Fai absorb what he’s been told and ignores the burning in his cheeks. It’s not an easy thing to speak so frankly about his emotions, he’s not used to it and the words feel clumsy no matter how honest they are. But this is honesty Fai deserves, honesty Kurogane has wanted to give him for too long. It’s the least of the things Kurogane wants to give Fai.
The honesty seems to be enough, though, because Fai reaches up a hand to cup Kurogane’s cheek. He’s smiling and a few tears have fallen from his eye, but there’s no sadness in that beautiful, loved face, and Kurogane thanks every star in the sky for that blessing.
“You stupid, stubborn, wonderful man,” Fai says through a mix between a sob and a chuckle. “You could have died, and for what? To be in love with me!”
Fai is all but in his lap without warning, keeping balance for them both as he kisses Kurogane. It’s gentle and he can feel the tears on Fai’s cheek, but it’s perfect and Kurogane could happily spend the rest of eternity doing nothing else, forever in this moment with this man. But Fai pulls away all too soon and between one breath and the next Kurogane finds himself unable to suppress a yawn.
Smiling playfully, Fai taps Kurogane on the nose. “Big Puppy is still recovering, he needs his rest and to take it easy or he’ll open up the stitches the healers worked so hard on.” Fai slides easily to his feet and helps Kurogane up. “Last thing we need is for you to go and bleed to death on us now.”
Ahh, speaking of…
“Mage, when did you last drink?” Kurogane asks as he slides the outer door shut with a soft click.
At first Fai freezes, reflex mostly Kurogane is sure. He watches it fade away, hears the low hiss of a breath that Fai releases, measured and purposeful.
“When we arrived,” he says. “There was plenty of your blood already outside of you, I took advantage at Syaoran-kun and Tomoyo-chan’s insistence.”
“How long was I asleep?” Kurogane asks. Fai doesn’t answer, but the lack of response is answer enough. “Mage,” he says warningly. “Don’t make this continue to be difficult.”
“You’re still healing,” Fai says, and there is icy steel in his tone. He’s trying not to be unkind, trying to keep away from how things have been for the last couple of months, but he cannot fight Kurogane about this without real barbs.
Even so, Kurogane still fights a little dirty. All the better to quicken the pace and bring an end to this nonsense. “I’ll worry if you don’t.”
That gets Fai to turn on his heel, blue eye blazing. He knows that Kurogane has gone for the kill and he looks just a touch betrayed, but he takes in Kurogane, standing before him, open and honest and now knowingly in love and the change in his body language is obvious.
“Only a little.”
“So long as you aren’t skulking around starving yourself,” Kurogane concedes. He’ll accept this compromise for now. He’s tired and this regained closeness is too precious to test with a proper argument just yet.
“Get in bed,” Fai commands with what can only be described as a pout. “You’re already tired, I’ll bet you knock out after I take a mouthful.”
Kurogane rolls his eyes, but obeys nonetheless, slipping under the sheets of his futon with weakened limbs. He can tell that it will take weeks for him to be back to normal again and he’s already impatient at the thought. There’s too much to do, he hasn’t got the time or the luxury to slow them all down with his healing. But he does have tonight, and he has Fai, so he lets the frustration pass from his mind as Fai extinguishes the oil lamp on the far side of the room.
“Are you going to stay?” Kurogane asks. It’s easy to watch Fai move towards him in the shadows. The moon outside is bright and it’s gentle glow highlights Fai’s fair features beautifully. It also makes it easy to see the surprise flit across his face before a smile, soft and genuine, settles on his lips.
“For as long as I’m wanted,” he says, adjusting the folds of the unfamiliar clothing awkwardly as he lowers himself onto Kurogane’s lap. It’s a graceless motion, but Fai is careful to ease himself into Kurogane’s space and avoid causing any pain to his plethora of injuries.
Kurogane reaches up and runs his fingers through golden strands of unruly hair. “I’m always going to want you,” he says, exhaustion and unbridled joy at finally being able to be with Fai like this ruining any brain to mouth filter he had. “I thought I’d made that clear.”
Fai laughs quietly, chiding and playful all at once. “You have,” he says, “I finally understand now.”
There is still a dangerous road ahead of them. A monster is lurking at the end of the road and they have little choice but to face him, but this time they will face him as one. No more are they frightened, confused children fearing shadows and uncertainties. They aren’t alone, and they have something to fight for, something tangible and real. They have their children, they have each other.
Tonight they will rest, wrap themselves in one another and find comfort in softer, kinder things. Tomorrow is another day, and it will wait for just a little while longer.
