When Halloween was just around the corner and Shawn was invited to a costume party, his girlfriend wasn't in the party mood, at all. She was on her period and spent the day in bed, not feeling well.
So she told him, "Shawn, i'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline your offer, to be your plus one to that party tonight." "Cramps gettin' the best of you, eh hun", he asked with a deep sigh, already knowing what her answer would be. "Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm really not feelin' up to it.", "Oh hun, you don't have to feel guilty 'bout ditchin' me.", Which he got a pillow to the head, in turn for. "It's not like you invented not feelin' well, as an excuse, for not havin' to accompany me, or is it.", he inquired, hiding his face behind the pillow he managed to catch, in shame and defence.
He thought, maybe, she was going to throw something else at him, instead he heard sobs coming from the other side of the pillow. "How could you, even think of me in that way?!", she asked him, crying, face buried inbetween her knees, legs pulled up to her aching stomach, swaying to try to cope with both the physical and emotional pain.
When he lowered the pillow and took in the sight of his girl, now hurting even more, 'cause of him, he wanted to scrunch down by her side of the bed, but typical of his clumsy self, he stumbled, only to end up falling face down on the bed.
Although his antics, were able to draw a small chuckle from her, she still couldn't stop sobbing. When he pushed himself up, he carefully crawled up on the bed, scared she would reject him, feeling hurt by his words.
Relief washing over him, when she didn't try to push him away, 'cause holding her tight, comforting her, was the only thing on his mind right in this moment. "Hun, I was just jokin', I should 've known better, while you're so emotional, 'm so sorry.", he whispered in her ear, while stroking her back lovingly.
She lifted her head, due to the feeling of her boyfriend leaving kisses on the back and side of her neck, while swaying together, him holding her comfortingly to his chest. "Okay, okay, you're forgiven! Maybe you can invite a friend to join you to the party?", "That's my smart, fast thinkin' girl, Imma gonna make a few calls to see if anyone can and wants to go with me."
After a couple of minutes, it was arranged, that one of his colleagues and friends, Mike was going to pick him up. When the time came for Shawn to leave for the party, Mike pulled up, honking. Shawn responded by sending him a quick text message, saying "I'm comin' already, I'll be right there."
Putting his iPhone in the pocket of his pants, he turned to his girlfriend. "I'll be back before you know it, then we can cuddle 'till we fall asleep. How's that sound?", "That sounds like a perfect plan, to me", she said, offering him a lazy little smile, that turned to a winch, while holding her breath, from the stabbing pain to her stomach.
"Hold on, 'm gonna go fill up a hot water bottle, be right back", Shawn said, seeing her face contort painfully, nodding, as her okay and thank you, rolled into one. When he returned, he placed the bottle gently on her tummy, kissing her forehead.
"Hun, you still set on me going to that party with Mike?", "Why wouldn't I be? Now, go on, get outta here and go and have some fun!", nudging him to get off of the bed. "Alright, alright, I'm leaving already...under one condition!", "Which is?", "You try get some sleep, while I'm out, okay?!", "Okay, I'll try my best", blowing him a kiss, to which he could only smirk, shaking his head, blushing.
The whole time at the party, Shawn couldn't stop thinking about how that sweet girl of his, and how she managed to convince him, to go here, feeling so lonesome and lost, at this crowded party, without her by his side.
Now Mike was finally driving back, to drop him off home. Home, to her. His home was wherever she was, that was a fact, he was sure of.
When he and Mike had said their goodbyes and he was finally able to step inside, closing the door behind him. While normally calling out a "Hun, I'm home", now he found himself tiptoeing to their bedroom, careful not to disturb her, in case she managed to fall asleep, as they agreed on.
He was just about to take of his boots, when she switched on the lamp on her nightstand, proceeding to roll over, looking him straight in the eyes, head tilted to the side, with a look that could be the dead of him.
Only, not in the good kinda way, but in the "If looks could actually kill" kind.
"Had fun? Sure seems like you had fun, and lots of it, by the looks of you!", she exclaimed, glaring him over. "Whatta you mean by that?", he asked her, just standing there, frozen perplexed.
"You're not soundin' like that same sweet girl, I was miserably missin', the whole fuckin' night."
"Well, you're not lookin' like that same guy, that went off to that party, leavin' me here, all alone. While you knew, damn well, I wasn't feelin' good, I might add!"
"But hun, wasn't it you, who practically forced me, to go to the party, either way?!", "That's another thin', 'm not feelin' good 'bout, Shawn!", "I dunno what you're tryin' to get at, hun"
"Well, Shawn, if you don't understand me, or girls in general, by now...,she sighed, "I'm gonna teach you a valuable lesson."
"I'm all ears, hun, go 'head and teach me.", "You really haven't you figured it out yet, eh!?", "Guess I haven't then, but I'm sure, I'll get it, once you teach me that lesson!"
"Okay, here goes, are you listening?!", "Yeah, I'm listening!", "Well, Shawn, you see, here's the thing....The trick to girls is, they don't always mean what they're sayin', especially when they're emotional!", "You mean, like bein' on their period, for instance.", "Yeah, for instance"
"Oh, I get it now", "You do, you sure of that!?", "What I'm sure of now, is you wanted the same exact thin', I was longin' for all evenin'.", "Oh yeah, and what would that particular thing be then?", "Me, stayin' at home, in this bed, with you, all night, instead of goin' to that damn party! Tell me, I'm wrong, go on!?", "I can't...'Cause you're right, fuck, you're so damn right!"
While Shawn's stepping closer to the bed, she's throwing off the duvet, covering her, so she can crawl to him. She goes from standing on her knees, to sitting on them, soon as he crouches down, taking both her hands between his.
"God, I'm so stupid! Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, hun?", "Only if...", "Whatever hun, I'm even prepared to sacrifice my life for your forgiveness! Just please have some mercy on me?", "I will, on one condition", "Which is?", "If you can find it in your heart, to forgive my stupid ass!?", "Me, forgive you, for what...Bein' so whiny and bitchy?", he gritted his teeth, preparing for whatever her comeback would entail.
"Yeah, in a nut shell...For bein' so stupid, to not let you know, straight up, I really didn't want you to go with Mike to that party."
"Can you enlighten me, now, how the fuck, you ended up lookin' like a fuckin' crocodile swallowed and spit you back out? 'Cause I can remember clearly, you didn't leave lookin' like that!"
"Like what? Like I've been fumblin' nervously, with my outfit, 'cause I was feelin' so out of place, bein' at that party, without bein' able to have my arms wrapped around you, while the whole fuckin' night, my mind was only wrapped 'round you!"
"Oh hun, what am I gonna do 'bout you", "Isn' t the real question here, what are you gonna do with me?...Or better yet, to me!"
She was eyeing him for head to toe, and back up again, wetting her lips, ending with sticking her tongue out between the corner of them, giving him a naughty wink. Then she let herself fall on her back, spreading her legs, oh so tormentingly slow.
Maybe it was all getting a little to much for him, 'cause now he was giving her a certain kinda look - (see pic above) - , like she almost could see the wheels turning inside his head, while he had this smug smirk adorning his face.
After a few minutes of thinking in silence, which seemed to last an eternity to her, he spoke up, "Ya know what's a fittin' way to treat a whinin' bitch?", "No, I'm afraid, I don't...Guess you'll have to teach me.", "Oh, I'll teach ya hun, don't you worry!"
Just when she was about to say something, he silenced her by giving her a warning, "Well, when a whiny bitch, can't seem to keep her dirty mouth shut, she gets tied up to the bed!", "Is that supposed to be a threat?", she wondered out loud. "Oh no baby, that's a promise", resting his left hand on his hip, where his Indiana Jones costume provided him with a whip, his smirk only grown wider by now.
"Is that so?", that was all it took, for him to crawl up on the bed, between her legs, which where shaking in excitement, and make good on his promise.
Just as he was about to tie her to the bed with his whip, she wrapped her legs round his waist. "Well, looks like someone's impatient, eh!", she nodded her head frantically and let out a sigh from deep within her core.
Those actions made him decide, it'd be okay, if he were to take on a different approach. So instead, he brushed his wip starting from her throat, right down to where she was longing to have him the most, and back again, while he whispered "Just 'cause I'm a gentleman, I'm gonna give you a second warning."
She could only muster to swallow from all the anticipation, burning through every fiber of her body. When he added "I'm reminding you, of the fact, that I'm armed and dangerous.", she really thought, she was going to cum, right that instant.
"May I remind you, I'm on my period", "You really didn't think for a second, Indiana Shawn wasn't gonna take up the challenge of tryin' his best, to tame the Red Sea, now did ya?! Now, let's see what happens, when I put that monster of mine in it's rightful place, shall we.", "Uhm, Shawn Hunny, I think you're a little disoriented there.", "No, I'm sure, I'm right where I belong.", he retorted with a grunt. "You know damn well, that's not what I meant! I was referring to that monster, that's not the Red Sea, that's Loch Ness.", "I doubt Loch Ness, could ever treat my monster as good, as that Red Sea of yours always makes me feel."
After about an hour of loving on eachother and him being so generous, giving her two orgasms, Shawn was now lying on his back, with her draped all over him. She felt his chest make a motion like as if he was chuckling. When she lifted her head of his chest, to look up at him, sure enough he had a gigantic smirk on his face.
"Glad I was able to make you feel that good.", "It's not that...Well, it's that too.", "What's this here for, then?", she questioned, tapping his lips with her pointer finger. "Remember what you said, when you were nearin' your first orgasm?", "Hmmm...Not exactly, remind me.", "You said, well sounded more like a mixture of a whine and a moan, "I'm cummin' already, I'm right there."", "So, what about it?!". When he showed her the message he send Mike earlier, they were both full on laughing.
Until...she dared to ask him, "You weren't thinkin' of Mike, from the moment I said that, were you!?", so now the time had come, for Shawn to repay her, by starting a pillow fight.
Hi everyone! Iâm SUPER excited to be sharing this with fic with you all!Â
This is the companion to the office fic that I wrote in collaboration with Bre @fallinallincurlsââ! Make sure to read her part here! You will absolutely adore her writing and fall in love with the story she started for the characters whose story I am continuing now! You will be able to understand a lot of the references I make better if you read her part first.Â
I met Bre a few months ago and she has become my very best friend. Iâve loved her writing long before knowing her, so creating these ideas and writing this out with her has genuinely been such a fun experience!
We came up with this idea in January and over the past few months have had so much coming up with ideas for this universe, way beyond these fics! So this definitely wonât be the last time youâll be seeing office!shawn
The GIF I used is not mine! All credit goes to the owner!
Enjoy! Feedback is always appreciated xx
Word count: 7.3k
It was all the office was talking about. Candice had just retired from her position as regional manager of the West, and the position was now open for the taking. Nothing had been confirmed by the company yet, but it was highly rumored that the new regional manager was going to be chosen from one of the current branch managers. The new manager was going to be announced at the end of the week. Even still, the nervous energy radiated through the office as workers put the extra ounce of effort in securing clients or laughing a little too hard when the CEO, Steve, told a joke at the weekly staff meetings.
But while the world hustled and bustled in the Toronto Business and Management Company, you and Shawn acted as if completely oblivious to what was going on. Just like the day you two started, Shawnâs and your desks faced one another and were pushed together. Over the years, that space had become your own little sanctuary. It had also been the space for endless post-it love letters, silly faces when either of you were on a call, and loving glances while the other was completely caught up in their work. This week, the six feet of space you and Shawn shared created a bubble that protected the both of you from all the hectic activity that was spreading throughout the office.
You were shocked by Shawn's indifference when the news came about in regards that this position was open. Youâll never forget the way he lit up when he first told you that all heâs ever wanted was to manage his own region. He had done an excellent job managing the Toronto branch. That was no surprise. It was easy to love him, and the people who reported to him felt the same way towards him as you did. Well maybe not exactly not the same way. Either way, as much as he loved it, you saw that he yearned for more. This position was what he was looking for. The opportunity was literally sitting in front of him, and it was as if he didnât have a care in the world for it. But since your discussion last week, he was able to clear the air.
*1 week prior*
That week, nights were spent at his place. For the past few months you two alternated whose place you went to after the work day was over. Each of you had drawers designated at the otherâs place, had cosmetics that stayed in each otherâs showers, and designated snacks in each otherâs pantries. You guys were basically living together, and both of you knew it. You were both incredibly happy to spend twenty four seven together, there was no denying that. But finding a place and officially moving in together? Not so much. It was a topic you both danced around quite often, but it still remained unanswered. You couldnât help but feel a little stuck, and a little nervous for your future together. You both loved each other, but what if that wasnât enough? You tried to not let it bother you too much.
You two had just finished dinner and were just laying content in each otherâs arms. It had been a particularly exhausting day, as evidenced by the savagely eaten plates of food that remained on the table and your heels sporadically kicked off by the front door. You both remained in your work clothes, Shawn with the sleeves of his white button up rolled up as you cuddled into his side as your legs were kicked onto his thighs. He stroked up on your arm as you two pretended to pay attention to the TV on in front of you.
You couldnât handle it anymore. âYou know they are most likely picking one of the branch managers to be the new regional manager right?â You blurted out but still in a gentle manner.
âYeah, I know.â Shawn simply hummed in response as he was starting to doze off.
âThatâs all you have to say?â You continued, growing confused.
âIs there more to be said?â Shawn said, matching your confusion.
âUnless someone has taken my boyfriend away from me and replaced him with an insanely good lookalike, hasnât this been your dream since like ever? Look, I get it plans for the future can change on a dime, and itâs not like I would think any less of you if they did, but the way youâve talked about this, I thought you would have at least some type of reaction to the news,â you rattled off.
âWoah, woah, woah. I didnât mean for you to get the impression that I changed my whole life plan and decided not to tell you. I shouldâve talked to you about it the day the news came out. Thatâs still the plan. Thatâs always going to be the plan. Itâs just that Iâve only been there for two years. Thereâs no way itâs going to be me, and I donât really want to get my hopes up just for the inevitable disappointment if that makes sense?â Shawn explained.
âOh,â you started. âThat makes sense. I totally overreacted and kinda freaked out on you right then. Iâm sorry. I just want the best for you bub,â you apologized, slightly ashamed at yourself for making such an aggressive assumption. âAnd for what itâs worth, I think you are still definitely a worthy candidate for this position.â
âBaby trust me, I donât see it like that at all. It means the world to me that you support me and my goals as much as you do.â Shawn quickly assured you. âBut Iâm perfectly content right now with spending every day sitting across from the love of my life and throwing paper clips at you while you send out emails. Our time will come.â He said, with a slightly mischievous grin on his face.
âReally?â You said, heart instantly melting at his words. You did not ignore the fact he said âourâ either.
âReally.â He promised. âBesides, in the meantime I can focus on..other thingsâ he said, cocking an eyebrow towards you.
âWhat other things youâve got in mind, Mendes?â You responded, feeding into his playful energy.
âI think itâs easier if I just show you,â he explained, leaning in to kiss your neck.
And he spent the rest of the night doing just that.
*Present day*
âIf I make this into the recycling bin, you are doing dishes tonight,â Shawn challenged while crumpling his paper into a ball.
âIn your dreams, copier boy.â You said, eyes locked on your computer screen. You were rechecking your numbers on the expense report before printing it out to give to your supervisor. As per usual, your calculations were perfect.
âHeeeyy, I thought we were past that!â Shawn whined at the nickname you branded him with on the day you two first met. Despite the pouting, Shawn would be devastated if you ever stopped calling him that.
âYou might be past that,â you started. âBut I most certainly am not!â
âGet all your laughter out now,â he playfully threatened. âLetâs see whoâs laughing when youâre doing dishes tonight. Donât forget that my aim is pretty spot on at this point. I almost never miss your forehead whenever I throw paper clips at you!â
âEnough talking, hot shot. Letâs see if you can put your money where your mouth is.â
âHot, huh?â Shawn said, earning an eye roll from you.
After his remark, Shawn looked you dead in the eye as he launched the ball into the air. You spun your chair around as Shawn peered over your shoulder in order to see the outcome. Shawn let out the worldâs most exasperated sigh as the paper ball landed about two inches in front of the blue recycling bin.
âI call a redo!â Shawn exclaimed immediately. âDue to an obvious draft coming from the air conditioner.â
âExcuses, excuses.â You responded. âAw, baby, don't look so sad. I just bought a new bottle of dish soap!â You continued, unable to hold back your giggles.
âYou are really lucky youâre cute, numbers girl,â Shawn sighed as he went to go and pick up the paper ball that remained on the floor.
âI got it, I got it,â you stopped him before he got up completely. âI need to go make some copies of this expense report anyways. The least I can do is let you rest up for tonight!â
You felt a paperclip hit you on the shoulder as you walked away.
You were in the middle of refilling the copier with paper when you heard Steveâs voice.
âShawn, can you come see me in my office?â He asked.
There was no response from Shawn, but by the time you turned back around to assess the situation, all you saw was Shawn from behind, following Steve back towards his office. Â
God, how does he make those slacks look that good? Â
Despite your confusion, that was the overwhelming thought in your mind. He may have lost the paper throwing bet, but he had won over your heart forever.
By the time you made it back to your seat, your mind started to race. Without Shawn across from to talk you down, your thoughts were all over the place.
What could he possibly want with Shawn?
Last Shawn mentioned to you, the branch was doing better than it had in years. So you were positive it had nothing to do with his performance. When it came to the rules, you were as straight of an arrow as they came. You wouldnât let Shawn do anything unethical, even if he wanted to. There was no one who loved his job as much as Shawn did, there was no way he was getting in trouble.
Maybe heâs getting the promotion!
This could be it! You werenât really thinking about the details of it, mostly just fantasizing about all the ways you two would celebrate. But, when you looked up at the clock and saw that twenty minutes passed that idea, unfortunately, became less likely to you. If he got the job, the conversation would be finished in five minutes. Shawn would immediately say yes, come out, pick you up, spin you around, and then there would be a separate meeting to discuss all his new duties. Shawn wouldnât be able to contain himself in the room for this long if he got it.
  What if Shawn was getting fired right now?
  Despite your certainty that there had been no wrongdoing on his behalf, you donât know what could be keeping him in that office for over what had now been thirty minutes at this point. You couldnât bear to imagine the sight of him when he returned to the desk if this were the case. He wouldnât be crying, he has too much respect for the job. But you would know. His honey eyes, usually full of excitement, would be drained of all life. The heartwarming smile that was almost always plastered onto his face would be pressed into a straight line. You prayed this wasnât the case. He was the literal light of your life, and he didnât deserve to be anything less than happy.
  What would you do if Shawn got fired?
  You hate this was your route of thinking, but you had to prepare for the worst. You would obviously comfort him in any way he needed you to. Endless cuddles, countless kisses, a never ending back massage. But what about after? Would you stay? The fact that the idea of Shawn leaving left you considering leaving your solid position at one of the most prestigious companies in the country sent endless butterflies through your stomach.
 âYou know I can hear you bouncing your heel on the ground all the way from Steveâs office,â the voice of the love of your life brought you out of your trance.
 You looked up, and for the first time since youâve met Shawn you werenât able to decipher the emotions on his face. It wasnât the âI got firedâ look though, so you let out a huge sigh of relief.
  However, the look on his face was unlike anything you had seen before. He looked exhausted, like he had just run an entire marathon in that office. But at the same time, he looked proud, like he had just found the missing piece to a puzzle.
  âYou want to tell me why you spent almost forty five minutes in Steveâs office?â You blurted out.
  âYou missed me that much, huh, numbers girl?â
  âShawn, Iâm serious. You looked like someone just turned your whole world upside down.â You responded, urging him to get to the point.
  Gently and thoughtfully, Shawn walked over to your desk. He put one hand on your desk and the other on the back of your chair. He was mere inches from your face. If you werenât already a mess from the uncertainty of this whole situation, his beauty wouldâve got you to the same place.
  âHe offered me the regional manager position.â He said simply as if he were describing the weather outside.
How it was possible to feel the highest intensity of opposite emotions you didnât know. You were staring at each other in silence for not even ten seconds, yet it still felt like an eternity.
On one hand, you couldnât be happier for him. Honestly. Shawn wanted nothing more than this and you knew it. Even if he never outwardly told you. He loved the people he worked with, his customers, and his position currently. But, you always knew he longed for more. Whether it would be the tab on his computer you accidentally saw titled âToronto Business and Management Company: Business Projections 2030â or the times you saw him up in the middle of the night reading up on Business Insiderâs âTop management strategies of the up and coming CEOsâ, he would never be satisfied with where he was at the moment, always wanting to do more, not only for himself, but also for the company.
You had never seen someone so enamored in their work. To you, he was the definition of what it meant to be truly in love with your job. You never told him this, but it was one of the things you loved most about him. You knew he was destined for great things since the day you met him, so in one aspect you werenât surprised he got the position. It was about time he got the recognition he deserved. This was genuinely the most excited youâve been in your entire life, and it had nothing to do with you.
But you couldnât escape the dread that was seeping into your whole being. The new position was based in Edmonton. Across the whole freaking country. You had lived your whole life in Toronto, and have such a strong sense of home here. To move away would be a big deal to say the least. You went to a college that was just under an hour away from home, and it took the whole first semester to get over the homesickness. Even though you would be willing, you really donât think you could keep up with all the long distance. You two would constantly be on different schedules, making it nearly impossible to work on your relationship the way you wanted to. The strongest relationships with the most dedicated people have been taken down by long distance and that terrified you. Despite all the fear, just the thought of Shawn leaving made it feel like someone was going to take one of your limbs from you. There was no way you would be able to function without him. The last two years had been the best of your life, and although you might be too afraid to admit it, you didnât think you would be able to go back to your life how it was before you laid eyes on the office Prince Charming who didnât know how to work a copier.
âCongratulations baby, Iâm so proud of you!â You said, mustering up as much enthusiasm as you could. He was still standing in front of you. You wanted to remember every detail of this moment. His wild curls. His cheek scar that drove you insane. The heat that practically radiated off of him almost always. You werenât too sure how many moments like these you two had left.
âThank you, Y/N. It means more coming from you than anyone else,â he started. âBut we can talk more about it later tonight. Iâm actually going to run to my apartment right now to get a few things together, and then Iâll head over to your place in time for dinner. Iâm feeling Chinese tonight!â
Even though you felt like you were about to explode from your emotions, you had to make it seem like everything was fine. This was his moment, and you werenât going to ruin it. âDonât think I donât see what you are doing, Mendes. You playing the whole âletâs do take out so I donât have to do dishesâ, isnât as sly as you think. But I think Iâll let it slide. Just this once!â This banter you two had was always something you loved. Even on your worst days, just talking to him made any problem you had feel nonexistent.
That sent him into a fit of laughter which caused your heart to flutter at a million miles a minute.
âYouâve got me!â he said, holding his hands up in fake surrender. âI promise to make it up to you,â in a tone that made your face grow an intense shade of red. You would never be able to understand his effect on you.
Feeling accomplished with himself, Shawn gave you a quick peck on your cheek, stood up, gathered his things, delivered a simple âI love youâ, and walked out the door.
Immediately you ached for his presence again. You saw the empty desk across from you as a sign for your and Shawnâs future. Any way you played it out in your head was not promising. At this point, you were just trying to figure out how much time you had left together. You really just couldnât come to terms with the fact that you two werenât going to make it.
It was about 6:00 when you heard a knock on your door. Friday nights were staying in nights for you and Shawn, so all signs of your unexpectedly exhausting day were replaced with yoga pants and a large University of Toronto sweatshirt that you stole from Shawn during one of the nights you spent at his place.
Shawn had left around 3:00. You had lasted until about 4:00 until your supervisor had noticed that you looked sick and sent you home. She was right. You may not have had an illness, but the thoughts swarming in your head did make you want to throw up.
The time you spent alone in your apartment was somehow worse. You were so used to it being filled with Shawn. Everything about him. His melodic laugh, the way his curls would sprawl out of the pillow when he woke up first thing in the morning, how his scent forever lingered throughout the entire apartment. Â A wave of sadness came over you as you realized that he is what made this place your home. It was becoming more real by the second that your home was moving across the country while you were staying put. It was agonizing, and it hadnât even happened yet.
Despite your sorrow, you refused to let this ruin the night. Shawn had wanted this for far too long and worked way too hard for you to make this night about anything other than him. You knew Shawn wasnât naive to the fact that you two would need to have a serious conversation in regards as to what was going to happen to your relationship. However, that was going to wait.
This was the biggest day of Shawnâs life, and you were going to let him enjoy it. You didnât mind this. Celebrating Shawn was one of your favorite things to do, so in some ways this wouldnât be too hard at all. If anything, you were excited about this part of Shawnâs promotion. As far as you were concerned, this called for extra loving on Shawn, and you were more than willing to deliver.
You concentrated on those feelings when you answered the door.
âThereâs the new regional manager!â You greeted with the biggest smile you could muster.
  Immediately, his already rosy cheek got even redder. He smiled as he shook his head at you calling him by his new title. You took that response as disbelief at his new position, but deep down something was telling you that wasnât the case. You didnât give into that feeling though, ever since you found out Shawn got the position you hadnât been to think straight. You were reading into something that wasnât there in the first place.
  âAnd Iâve got Chinese food!â He exclaimed, proudly lifting his bag, printed with the classic yellow smiley face and the words have a nice day!
  You stepped aside to let him in. As he was setting food down on the counter, you noticed something different. Slung across his shoulder, was a gray duffel bag. You did a double-take to make sure you were seeing what you were.
Why on Earth did he have that bag with him?
You two had been living at each otherâs places for so long that you had a set of clothes at each otherâs places. Every now and then Shawn would bring over a new pair of shoes or a different tie, but never enough to warrant a duffel bag. Suddenly, it hit you.
That duffel bag is definitely big enough to fit all the clothes had left at his place.
You couldnât stop your face from falling. In your eyes this was the beginning of the end for you two.
It was hard for you to keep focus during dinner. Shawn had always been the more talkative between the two of you, so it wasnât uncommon for him to carry the conversation between you two. However, this time it was like everything was going in one ear and out the other. You were catching bits and pieces. Aaliyah had a hockey tournament coming up, he asked you to remind him to pick his dry cleaning tomorrow, he had to deliver his sales report on Monday to Steve. That was literally all you had retained in the past twenty minutes. You felt bad for ignoring him, you really did. But literally all of your energy went towards just keeping eye contact with him and a smile on our face. But, because he was Shawn, he was quickly seeing through it.
âWhatâs going on, numbers girl? Your eyebrows are all scrunched up like you made an adding mistake. But, you and I both know two things. One, the work day ended hours ago. Two, you never make an adding mistake.â He said, matter-of-factly.
âWhat are you talking about?â You question, trying to make your voice more perky. You had to convince him otherwise of your current state. But, Shawn knew something was wrong. Which meant he wasnât going to stop until he got to the bottom of it.
âY/N, please,â he started. âI literally got you your favorite food in the whole entire world. Orange chicken with extra sauce because without it, itâs âtoo blandâ,â he said using air quotes for emphasis. âI swear sometimes I think you love that dish more than you love me.â This earned a blush of you, signaling to him that he wasnât wrong. âAnd tonight, you wonât even touch it. Please tell me whatâs going on, baby. I hate when I donât know whatâs going on with you. Especially when it makes you upset,â he said the last part quietly, as if he failed at his only job, making sure you were happy.
âShawn, please donât worry,â you quickly responded, angry at yourself for making the biggest night of his life about you. âEverything is okay, I promise!â
âBut baby,â Shawn whined slightly. âI know that it isnât. You can tell me anything, remember? Iâm not going anywhere.â
Interesting choice of words.
You opened your mouth to calm his worries again before he cut you off.
âAnd donât tell me something isnât wrong,â he said firmly, yet still gentle. âI can feel it.â
âFeel it?â You asked, thoroughly confused.
âYeah, you know. My sixth sense. I know everything thatâs going on with you, even if I canât see you,â he explained, as if it was common knowledge.
Despite the fact that his words literally warmed and crushed your heart, you still had to remain focused. âOkay Shawn. Something is going on. But it can wait. Truly. Can we please just table it until tomorrow?â You slightly begged, hoping to soothe his worries.
But that was a pretty impossible wish. âY/N, why canât we do it right now? There is literally nothing more important than how you are feeling-â
âReally?â you said, unable to hold back the floodgates. âWhat about the fact that today you were offered your dream job? I donât know, that seems pretty freaking important to me! So excuse me for wanting to push my feelings aside so I can celebrate with you something that youâve worked towards for basically your whole career!â
Shawn was confused by your outburst. âYour feelings should never be pushed aside, they come before everything. Even before this promotion, and whatever celebrations you had planned or wanted to have,â he explained simply.
âShawn, can you please just trust me on this one?â You sighed. âThereâs a time and place, and right now just isnât it.â
âAt least tell me why, and Iâll drop it.â He responded, giving you an out.
Easier said than done.
âShawn, but the promotion is whatâs making me upset.â You said, knowing there was no other way around it.
There was a look of surprise on Shawnâs face, but regardless, he immediately responded, âOkay, now you have to tell me.â
âShawn,â you whined. âThat wasnât the deal.â
âYeah, but that was before I realized this was about me,â he reasoned. âY/N, Iâm getting worried.â
You were making the problem worse. You were making him feel bad on his night.
âYouâre really going to make me say, huh, copier boy?â You sighed, already knowing the answer.
âIâve got all night,â Shawn responded. He meant it too.
  âI know that this promotion means we have to break up,â you said while looking down and poking your orange chicken with your chopstick. You said it so quietly that you barely heard it yourself. But the truth was admitting it out loud meant that it was real, and you didnât want to believe it. âAnd Iâm sorry I couldnât contain myself to celebrate you tonight.â
Shawnâs face fell. Guilt was written all over him. His golden eyes immediately filled with concern as he sighed. âY/N,â he had started, but you were quick to cut him off.
âI know, I shouldâve been expecting this. I had known this was where you were headed long before we were dating. I also knew, just by being around you, that there was no doubt that you were going to get this position sooner rather than later. Now we are both going to get hurt. This was bound to happen to us, Iâm sorry I was so naĂŻve!â You finished with an exasperated groan.
âY/N,â Shawn interrupted softly. âBut I love you. And-â
âAnd I love you so much too. But do you know how hard itâs going to be for us to make this work?â You cut him off again. âYou have to relocate to Edmonton for the position. Thatâs a four hour plane ride Shawn, and a three hour time difference. By the time I wake up, youâll already have started your workday. Then by the time you could call me on your lunch break, my work day will have just started and Iâll be deep in my numbers. Weâll just never be on the same schedule. Obviously we are going to try and make it work, but itâs going to take so much just to be able to talk to each other on a daily basis. I know we can put in their effort, but Iâm afraid our relationship wonât be able to grow, and eventually weâll lose each other.â You said, emotions starting to get the better of you in that moment.
âBut we wonât, if you would just-â Shawn tried but you had beat him to it once again. Â
âOf course Iâve thought about moving to Edmonton with you,â you continued, answering what you assumed to be his question. âHonestly, Iâm halfway there. Iâve made peace with my job. I would give it up for you, no questions asked. There are tons of accounting positions out there. Iâd be fine,â you started confidently. âBut I donât know if I could leave Toronto. I mean college was a nightmare and that wasnât even an hour away. I donât know, itâs just that Toronto has been home for all my life, and my whole family is here. But then again, I consider you my own family and you, on your own have become my home. Maybe after a few years I could join you. I just canât decide because I feel that whichever one I pick that Iâll literally die without the other.â
âY/N,â Shawn said a little louder this time, but still maintaining his gentleness. âI love you so much, but please donât cut me off again until I can get out everything I need to say,â he finished with a giggle.
âDeal, baby?â Shawn asked when he saw that he had your attention.
You gave him a slight nod in return.
âYou donât have to worry about anything. Your job, your home here, our relationship, nothingâs changing. I promise you that.â Taking in the confused look on your face to his statement, he continued. âBecause I didnât accept the job offer.â
âYou WHAT?â You blurted abruptly before remembering the deal you made with Shawn approximately thirty seconds ago. âSorry,â you added quickly, which earned a big laugh from Shawn.
âItâs alright, numbers girl. Iâm done with what I needed to say,â he stated simply.
âSo do you want to tell me exactly why you turned down your dream job?â you bluntly questioned.
âIt wasnât the right time for me, for us. It just isnât in line with where we are headed right now. No job position is worth messing up what we have.â Shawn explained.
âMaybe this position!â you exclaimed, not able to believe what he was saying to you. âShawn my supervisor told me what the full offer entailed. An apartment and a car for Edmonton. An insane salary, even compared to what you have now. Not to mention itâs the position youâve wanted since youâve started studying business! They are literally offering you everything-â
âThey didnât offer me you,â now it was Shawnâs turn to cut you off. âSo, no. They didnât offer me everything. They might as well have offered me nothing.â
It was in this moment that your heart froze. This wasnât real. Your heart was so overcome with joy that you were rendered speechless.
Suddenly, Shawn got up from the dinner table.
âWait!â you said, louder than expected. You thought you had lost him once today, and you never wanted to feel that again.
âItâs okay, baby.â He said, walking back towards you. You remained seated while he stood above you. Similar to earlier at the office, he got close to your face so that the two of you were sharing the same air. He brushed a stray piece of hair behind your ear, and then gave you a loving kiss on your forehead. âIâm not going anywhere. Not ever. At least not without you. I just have to go grab something real quick. Now go eat your orange chicken.â
  Youâll never know what you did to be able to run into the office prince charming who now always remembered the extra sauce on your chicken.
  Shawn returned with the duffel bag slung on his shoulder. He set it down on the chair he was sitting on earlier, and started to unzip it. Almost immediately all the feelings of doubt from earlier started to flood back.
  âHey,â you said, getting Shawnâs attention. Your voice was more in control than earlier, as many of fears had been erased. âAre you sure about this? I canât be the reason you donât get to where you want to be.â
  âLet me show just how sure I am,â he said while placing a Menâs Warehouse shoebox on the table next to his dumplings.
  When he took the lid off you saw it filled with brightly colored folded pieces of paper. You were confused for a second until you recognized your script handwriting all over it. Those were the post-it letters you wrote to him over the years. At random, Shawn picked one out of the box and read it aloud.
  âI smile so much around you that my cheeks hurt,â he smiled himself, shaking his head in disbelief. âYour smile is one of my favorite things in the entire world. For some unknown, wonderful reason, I have the ability to make you smile. Whenever I do make you smile, itâs like Iâve won the lottery. I canât get that if Iâm in Edmonton.â
  âYes you could,â you said, playing devilâs advocate. âTrust me. You could easily make me laugh over the phone.â
  âBut then I couldnât see your beautiful smile!â He countered.
  âFacetime!â
  âItâs not the same,â he whined, and you knew you had no further points to make.
  Happy with himself, Shawn picked up another post-it from the box and unfolded it.
  âI hope our story stays at these desks forever.â As he read your words, the biggest smile flashed across his face. âNow this one,â he started. âThis one is it for me. I remember every single thing that led to me reading this note. It was the morning after we had spent the night at the office. That night we said we were falling in love with each other,â he said reliving that magical moment. âI remember getting home and seeing this neon yellow thing sticking out of my coat pocket. I was absolutely speechless when I had read it. But more importantly I realized something so earth shattering that in a way that still hasnât allowed me to recover. Numbers girl, I realized my heart belonged to you all along. Even before I knew you. You were keeping it safe for me until that fateful day at the copier.â  Â
  âShawn,â you said as you were being flooded with all the emotions from that night and right now.
  âThat was also the night I made a promise,â he continued. âYou wanted our story to stay at our desks forever, and Iâd be damned if I didnât spend the rest of my life trying to make sure that happened. I thought I knew what I wanted from life, where I wanted to go with my career, but meeting you, loving you, changed everything and I couldnât be more grateful. You were worried, that if I didnât accept this job, that something would be missing from life? Well Iâve got everything Iâd ever need right here with you. Positions come and go, but you honey are my once in a lifetime. To be completely honest I think I made that promise way before the morning after. Probably the moment I first laid eyes on you.â
  You couldnât contain yourself, this unbelievable confession of love ignited every fiber in your body. Without thinking or hesitation you hopped out of your chair, grabbed him by his rosy cheeks and kissed him with every ounce of love you could muster. He cradled you in his arms, and in that moment you felt safe and at home. It was gentle and passionate but at the same time desperate and needy. Today had to have been one of the scariest days for you. You thought you were going to lose Shawn. But in a single moment, with one, fantastic, gesture, all your fears disappeared in an instant. Although he made it clear that he wasnât going anywhere, you kissed him like it would be your last time doing so.
  âI love you so much,â you said once you two came up for air. It was a simple gesture, but those words carried an incredible amount of meaning in that moment.
  âI love you too, Y/N. More than you could ever know.â
  You werenât sure how long you two stood there holding each other. To be honest, you didnât really care. You wanted to soak up every single detail from this moment. The way Shawnâs curls felt between your fingers, the way his golden eyes reflected the light that hung over your kitchen table, the way your heart was at peace but was still racing. People say you donât recognize the biggest moments of your life when you are living them, but you knew that youâd be telling your future kids about how this was the moment that their parents knew theyâd be together forever.
  After things calmed down for the night, there was just one more thing you had to ask.
  âIf you rejected the offer, why were in his office for almost forty five minutes today?â
  Shawn laughed at you in an endearing way, âAlways got to know all the details, huh love?â
  After earning a blush from you Shawn continued. âWell I basically rejected the offer immediately after it had been offered. I know I said last week that this position was always the plan, but it took the offer to make me realize the plan had been changed for quite some time now. There was really no question of whether or not I was going to take it. Steve was shocked to say the least,â Shawn giggled at this part. âAnd when he asked why, I was honest. I told him it was because I was not willing to leave you, and that I was firm on that stance. Thinking about it now, I would probably be a pretty bad regional manager if I didnât have my numbers girl by my side or across from me. After hearing my reasoning, Steve made a call out to Edmonton. Literally within ten minutes he told me that there was a job lined up for you. Weâd be in the same office, across from each other, just like we are now.â
  Suddenly you felt a pit in your stomach. You knew you were worried about moving away from Toronto, but the fact you would get to keep your exact position and do it with Shawn, made you think that after Shawn did all this for you, maybe you should at least try.
  âEasy there, tiger,â Shawn halted you, as if he saw all the gears spinning rapidly after hearing what he had said. âI told him that we were going to talk about it, but that it probably wasnât going to happen. Look thereâs no pressure at all, you can think about it if you want, and then if you decide to take it, we will do it together. But seeing the look on your face, I know you donât want it. I didnât even have to ask to know this would be the outcome.â
  You immediately broke eye contact with him. There he goes giving everything up for me again.
  âWeâre good honey, I promise. This position just doesnât fit, and there is nothing wrong with that.â Shawn said, trying to soothe your worries. âI would never want to take you away from home, I know how grounded you feel here. Your family is here, and although youâve never told me this before, I know you want your family to grow up here as well.â
  âOur family,â you corrected, and Shawnâs eyes lit up.
  âYes, love. Our family,â Shawn agreed. You two had never talked about your future like that before, but after this conversation it was clear that neither of you had doubts that you were both in it for the long haul. âSpeaking of,â Shawn continued, while grabbing something else out of his duffel bag.
He set a manila file folder onto the table. He flipped open the top and you saw a packet, slightly crumpled from the amount of times Shawn mustâve flipped through it. You were in disbelief when you saw the Zillow listing in the top left corner of the page. He had been house hunting.
You were flipping through the house listings, there had to be a list of at least twenty in the pile. On each page, Shawn had made notes of his own. Could convert the spare bedroom into an office for Y/N. Located in a good school district. Y/N will love the ivy on the side of this house, she always picks houses with ivy when we watch House Hunters. Big backyard so Y/N and I could start a garden.
âA garden?â you giggled. âWhat about us screams green thumb?
âWell, nothing actually,â Shawn admitted. âBut I think it would be so fun! You, looking all beautiful wearing a sun hat standing next to all the pretty flowers. Me, spraying you with a hose.â
âSeems about right to me,â you agreed, imagining in your head Shawn ambushing you with a hose and then you chasing him down to give him a big and wet hug. âYou think about these things a lot?â
âOur future?â Shawn questioned. âLiterally nonstop. Every new day with you is somehow more amazing and magical than the last so I canât help but imagine whatâs to come! Iâm sure itâll be better than my imagination comes up with. I mean itâs you after all.â
âIâm so excited to do life with you, copier boy. Like so excited.â You said, and then leaned across the table and gave him a sweet and simple peck on the lips. You two had thousands of kisses ahead of you, but you were going to soak up every single one.
  âBut I must ask,â you asked after returning to your seat. âHow did you do all this?â
  âOne of the many perks of sitting across from you numbers girl is that you canât see my computer screen unless you walk over to my side.â Shawn explained, âSo I always have the Zillow tab open while Iâm working. Anndd, whenever you get the âIâm lost in my numbers' face I do a little searching. Then I took all the best ones and turned them into a packet using the copier.â
  âYou did? All on your own?â You responded, feigning shock. âWeâve sure come a long way since our first day, huh?â
  âWe sure did, and I couldnât be happier. Iâll never know what I deserved to find you in life, but Iâm going to spend the rest of forever trying to make up for it.â
  So for the next few hours you two sat among the Chinese food, real estate listings, and post-it note love letters just talking, with a few kisses here and there. Reminiscing about the past, dreaming about the future, and literally everything in between. You never thought the office prince charming who blamed the paper tray for not being able to use the copier would be your soulmate, but you couldnât be luckier.Â
Taglist: @fallinallincurlsâ @imaginashawnnsâ @mendesficsxbombayâ (Please let me know if you want to be added or removed!)â
a/n: this is definitely not my first time writing for shawn, but it is my first time posting my work on this blog! initially, i wanted to write a few blurbs first, but this is my debut i guess! i planned this in may because i was planning on writing fics for every song on sm3, which obviously didnât happen, but now itâs august and iâm finally done. yay for lily.
also i obviously donât currently have a taglist but if you wanna be added you can send me an ask (or a request!) here
warnings: angst, swearing, anxiety attack
word count: 3.4k
playlist
the 1 â taylor swift
out of love â alessia cara
raindrops (an angel cried) â ariana grande
about you â fletcher
arms of a stranger â niall horan
under / over â gracie abrams
because i had you â shawn mendes
***
itâs late, but shawnâs not home. heâs been out all day at the studio; heâs been spending more time out writing and recording, so itâs not an unfamiliar situation. itâs empty, too; the air, your heart. you sit at the piano, the view of the toronto skyline almost invisible in your attempt to fill the growing void with song.
three chords, thatâs all youâre playing. but you find a small comfort in the melody. itâs simple, unbothered by the tears welling in your eyes. it rings out in the room, like the buzz of the metal had as you dropped the promise ring into the dish that sat on shawnâs nightstand, just an hour earlier.
the door closes, keys jingle, footsteps sound throughout the condo. your fingers dance across the keys one more time, one last time. youâre soft, gentle, with your movements. three chords, two broken hearts, one more moment before it all breaks forever.
you turn around to look at him, hoping the darkness will conceal your glossy eyes. âhi,â you breathe out, pressure rising in your chest as you look over his shadowed face. those warm brown eyes, the scar on his cheek, the soft blush caused by the cool night air. heâs glowing, he always is, but his light is dimming. it hurts.
âitâs late, y/n. you didnât have to wait for me,â he says, removing his jacket and hanging it up.
âi know, i wasnât waiting. i mean, i was, but not for you,â you reply in a quiet voice, standing up from your seat at the piano.Â
âwhat were you waiting for?â
you ignore his question. âdinnerâs on the counter for you to heat up. i wouldâve put it in the fridge when i made it but i wasnât sure when youâd get home.â
âiâm sorry iâm so late, baby. i just got caught up at the studio, and we were writing and lost track of time-â he rambles, explaining his absence.
âitâs okay shawn, really. go eat. iâll be awake if you need anything,â you urge, a sad smile painted across your face. he walks to the kitchen as you head toward your bedroom. you grab your last-minute items, your purse, passport. most of your belongings are already in the car - youâre not surprised if shawnâs noticed that the condoâs just a bit more empty - but you canât be bothered if he has.
you walk into the kitchen, bag in hand. he sits at the table, playing with his food as he fiddles with his phone. you study him for a moment, for the last time. âi, uh, i should go,â you stutter out from your place in the doorway.
he looks up with wide eyes. âwhere?â
âaway.â you close your eyes, a tear slipping out. you feel like your world is crashing down around you, leaving you alone and exhausted.
ây/n,â he stands up, approaching you slowly. you feel like glass, even though he isnât touching you. fragile, but sharp in the softest way only heartbreak can cause.
âyou were right. the other day, on the phone with connor. youâre better off without me. iâm sorry for holding you back.â you brush your fingers across his cheeks. holding him gently, you press a kiss to his lips.
you rest your forehead against him, eyes closed, breathing synced. you step back towards the front door. âi love you,â you say, looking him dead in the eye. heâs still, silent, the situation only settling in once itâs too late. the door opens and closes, youâre gone.
âi love you, too.â
the walk to the underground parking area seems to last forever as you try not to let the tears spill from your eyes. as soon as you sit down in your car, though, a sob cuts through the cool night air.
you cover your face with your hands, salty tears rushing down your cheek and into your shaking palms. you hide away in that position, not sure from whom - maybe yourself, for a few minutes, before sitting up to lean your head back against the seat.
âmaybe heâll finally be happy,â you whisper into the darkness.
he only wishes you were right.
***
that was five months ago, and shawnâs reality is just settling in. sure, youâve rushed to move on, forget him, but you look happy. you are happy, and youâre sure shawn is too. itâs what he wanted, after all, how could he not be?
heâs not sure how he isnât, either. but every time he hears your name, or sees your face on a mutual friendâs social media, it gets a little harder. those five months ago, that phone call with connor, the consequences, everythingâs still so clear in his mind. it burns more than his tongue when he sips his coffee too soon or touches the flame as he lights candles around the condo. it burns more than anything, and as more time passes, he just wishes he had you to soothe the pain.
his album just came out, and while you havenât listened to it, your friends have. you donât mind the sound of his voice, or his name. you try not to dwell on him too much, and thatâs easier said than done, but you broke up for him. so, youâre trying to move on for yourself. not to mention the fact that your boyfriend would riot if you even mentioned your exâs name, and youâre not ready to fight with him, too.
macyâs playlist is on shuffle as the two of you drive through the southern ontario countryside. itâs a calm, safe space, hardly a care in the world as you laugh at your best friend from the passenger seat. that is, until a certain voice sounds from the speakers, his voice.
âwhat song is this?â you ask, the first few lyrics swirling in your brain.
âbecause i had you, itâs one of shawnâs new songs so if you want to skip it you can.â macy smiles apologetically, not wanting to upset you.
âno, no itâs okay.â
you just listen. to the lyrics, to the melody, there's something so familiar about it. the song, itâs so obvious, is about you, about that night five months ago. the time itâs taken for you to let go, to finally find a bit of peace.
itâs all fine, maybe you felt yourself tear up just a bit, until you hear those three chords. the three chords that had echoed in the void of your heart for weeks after you left. you werenât upset with him for using the melody, it was so simple, he probably didnât even remember it was yours. but the song, the story, your story, you just canât help but wonder.
***
he remembers. he remembers all of it. the shakiness of your breath before you left, the melody you were playing to make it all go away. shawn knows he shouldâve asked you if he could use it in his song, but he couldnât face you. as much as he craves you, he just has to let go.
he hopes you donât listen to the album, that you wonât notice that almost every song heâs written since that night and years before has been about you. that when you walked out that door, heâd both gained and lost the most beautiful muse. but if you do listen to it, youâll know. youâll know the story, and youâll know heâs sorry.
you know, and it hurts so much more than you couldâve imagined. in the months since the breakup, his voice had never really bothered you, but when you could tell that you caused the pain he had written about, every single word hit you a little deeper. as soon as you walk into your empty apartment, you drop your bags and collapse on the sofa.
you feel cold, even as you snuggle deeper into the cushions and you feel yourself start to sweat. you swear you can hear someone moving around you, even though your roommate is out on a business trip all week. youâre dizzy, youâre sweating, your headâs pounding. your heart starts to race, your breathing quickens. âi canât do this right now, i canât fucking do this,â you choke out.
you rub your hands up and down your arms to ground yourself, shutting your eyes tightly. itâs not stopping you from working up into a panic, and it definitely doesnât help when his words sound in your head. âyouâre okay, baby. iâm here. itâs just me, itâs just shawn,â heâd say to comfort you. it did comfort you, or, it used to, but this time it just sent you farther away from your peace of mind.
âbut iâm not okay, and youâre not here. itâs just me.â
***
you lie in bed awake, every little sound amplified in the darkness: the buzz from the air conditioning, the flapping of your curtains, the roar of the cars from the downtown street below. itâs like the sudden return of heartbreak broke the numbness youâve been living in, bringing you back to the harsh reality of what you used to have.
you sit up in bed, then reach over drowsily to grab your phone. the screen lights up with a picture of you and some friends at the top of the empire state building a few years ago, you had been visiting shawn on tour and met up with them while you were there. you squint slightly as your eyes adjust to the sudden brightness, 2:39 am reads the clock when you can see properly. you open your phone to the home screen before selecting the spotify app. you sigh, then type in his name. âthis is probably a really bad idea.â
shawn mendes it reads, the cover of his self-titled album shining brightly into your bedroom. his face split into three, flowers growing in the empty spaces. itâs much prettier than his other two album covers, much more artistic. heâd never really had an eye for design, so you canât imagine it had been his idea.
you press play, the first track starting to sound out loud before you pause it to grab your earbuds. once youâre settled, you start the song again, and start to hurt, again.
every song, you can tell when it was written. in my blood, youâve heard that one before. shawn said it was one of the most vulnerable pieces heâs ever written.
nervous, itâs what he used to be like around you told through a story; not quite the same, but itâs yours. itâs the adrenaline of a young relationship, the excitement of someone new.
lost in japan, heâd written just for fun - you remember him coming home from the studio so tired but so excited, it was a new sound, and it was the start of a new era.
where were you in the morning?, itâs a situation youâre sure heâs encountered numerous times since the end of your relationship. you hadnât heard even a bit of it before.
like to be you, itâs the exact dynamic you two always had when you were in a fight; itâs perfect. âjulia michaels!â he had said that evening when he walked in the door. âi canât wait for you to hear this song, honey.â if only you had known.
fallinâ all in you, has you in tears almost immediately: the first verse encompasses what you had, the second verse what couldâve been. you had plans, the two of you, to have a few kids, grow old together. âtrapped up on a tightrope, now weâre here,â shawn sings.
âwhere did we get lost?â you think as the song finishes. you used to be so sure that youâd last, and he was too. you wish you knew when he fell out of love, when that promise of forever became empty.
particular taste, itâs new; you hadnât heard it until now. the girl, whoever she is, you just wish that you could be her, even for only a moment. to have him completely mesmerized, to be that kid in love.
why, youâre not sure why it hurts you the way it does - it doesnât even line up with your relationship, but the feeling it awakens is all too familiar. itâs like your heart had heard it in another world, waiting for the day it would run through your mind like it had your blood. the feeling confuses you, but as the song comes to a close, you close your eyes to cry a bit, too.
because i had you, there it is, that song. itâs so stupid how it breaks your heart - you thought you had gotten it all for yourself, now. yet, the song rips it to shreds, tearing away at the memories youâve tried so desperately to let go of. he did this to himself, you think, but you wonder if you hadnât gone, maybe neither of you would be so broken.
queen, itâs new, too. with every song you havenât heard before, jealousy burns a little hotter. youâre glad this âqueenâ isnât you, but you wish that the songs that were about you werenât so sad.
youth, itâs cute. a nice refresher from the love songs, but nothing worth dwelling on. the message is powerful, but youâre too distracted by the love songs and heartbreak anthems to pay much attention.
mutual, you remember hearing it before. it was always fun for shawn to play with fiction, test his storytelling abilities, so when this song came around, he was more than excited to put it out. itâs a bit more basic lyrically, but the melodies and aesthetic appeal to your tired ears.
perfectly wrong, it seems innocent at first, but as the song goes on, the lyrics start to set in. itâs the story of what you and shawn were before you left - heâd probably written it around the time of the breakup. you just wish he had said it to your face.
when youâre ready, itâs probably the most sickeningly cute song youâve ever heard. of course, itâs familiar, youâd heard him playing the melody, or something similar, just a couple of years ago. itâs clear that heâd written it early in your relationship or been inspired by that time, and itâs adorable, but it pains you to hear how hopeful you both were. you genuinely thought you would last, get married, grow old together, and it seems that shawn did, too.
you know your boyfriend wonât like that youâre listening to shawnâs music, he hates shawn more than you ever could. you canât even say you hate him, after all, heâs the one who fell out of love. you hate that you had to leave, you hate that youâll never look at a piano the same way again, you hate that youâve become the muse of his heartbreak songs; but you could never hate shawn, not when you still love him more than anything.
you think maybe youâll never get over him, they say youâll always remember your first love. but for now you just hope that youâll be okay, youâll be okay like you thought he would be. itâs too late to go back for him, run back into the apartment and beg to fix your relationship. he was supposed to be your forever, but you know that dreamâs long gone, you woke up to hellish flames and the screaming chaos of your mind and reality. shawnâs too far gone, and you need to stop reaching.
youâre happy with your current relationship, aesthetically, anyway. heâs there for you, and heâs supportive, and heâs lovely. his job is secure, you know that you can call and know that âsoonâ means a few hours, not weeks. itâs a storybook romance, heâs perfect for you, and youâre perfect for him. it should be working, and it might be if your heart wasnât so broken, but you still feel the butterflies start to fade, and the sparks starting to cool down.
part of you, somewhere deep down, knows that you and shawn couldâve figured something out, that you shouldâve; but he didnât fight for you when you left, and you didnât speak up when you had the chance. you were only 16 when you fell in love, just high school lovers who thought you could be more. you were young, and reckless, and hopeful. everyone warned you that it wouldnât last, but you wouldnât listen.
you would lie under the stars, shawn would tell you that you were meant to be forever, that those very stars had aligned perfectly for you to meet. one of those nights, you were 18, you sat in the back of his jeep. âhey babe?â shawn said, looking over at you fondly.
âwhatâs up?â
âi think we have one of the greatest loves of all time, truly. like nobodyâs perfect, but weâre perfect for each other, yâknow?â
âyeah, yeah i do know, and i agree.â you smiled, then kissed him softly. in the back of his jeep, under the stars, pretending like youâd go down in history. and for that moment in time, you thought that maybe you would.Â
***
your sister still asks if shawn will come back, sheâs only a kid, she wouldnât know better. but you know that he wonât, he canât. he can write songs thatâll never see the light of day and text messages heâll never send, but he canât come back to you.
he canât come back to your family, to those nights spent all together, teaching him how to make your favourite foods, dancing in the kitchen to songs heâd never heard. he canât come back to sitting at the large, round table to eat the meal that he could never get quite right, but always tasted perfect because he had put so much love and care into trying.
you want to forget so desperately, you canât take seeing his honey eyes staring back at you when youâre trying to fall asleep, the ache you feel when you sit down at a piano. he haunts you, living in the depths of your mind and the sharpness of your breath. you want to tell him to go away, leave you in peace. but he lingers, as does his power over you.
shawnâs trying to move on, too. but in the eyes of every one-night stand, every failed date, youâre right there. youâre not his, and he knows it all too well. he has to let go, he has to, but he doesnât. he knows he broke your relationship, that he was just upset and confused and it ruined his life. he wants to text you, at least tell you heâs sorry.
but right now heâs staring up at the ceiling of his apartment, another woman beside him, curled up in his sheets. sheâs beautiful, dark eyes to match the warm brown of her skin. she glows in the morning sunlight, long eyelashes fluttering slightly with every slow breath.
sheâs kind, and warm, and loving. sheâs supportive when shawn needs her, and she can take care of herself without his constant attention. from afar, sheâs everything shawn needs and has ever needed, but to shawn, sheâll never be just right for him, because sheâs not you.
he looks down at his shirtless chest, gently pulling the covers off his side of the bed. he pulls on his boxers, a pair of basketball shorts next. he looks back at her, watching as she opens her eyes slightly, a small yawn leaving her plump lips.Â
she reaches over to the other side of the bed, but when she feels the empty space, she fully opens her eyes. shawnâs standing in the doorway of the bedroom, now fully-clothed, but exhausted.
âyou good?â she asks, bringing the sheets up with her to cover her bare chest as she sits up against the headboard.
âiâm so sorry,â shawn chokes out. âi just canât love you the way you want me to. i want to but i canât-â he shuts his eyes tightly, â-i canât.â
