Better off alone? | Self-para
Loneliness was a million times worse when you had come to know love. Years of keeping people at bay had saved Squall like that. Left him blissfully alone, with only his memories of sis leaving reminding him of that immense loneliness. But then things had changed. His closed heart had been pried open, and he had been...thankful for it. Not wanting to get hurt, what a lonely way to live. Oh, he had always been afraid. But the silver-haired ravager had showed him what he would miss if he kept at it.
And now he was sitting here, in the cool darkness of his abode, alone and bitter.
He had been right after all. It was better to be alone than to be left behind.
...No. That wasn't true. He had been distraught when sis left, but he had also been young. And his young mind had been unable to comprehend fully what had happened. So he had convinced himself that he had to get stronger, so that sis would return. It had been all he could cling on to. Self-pity and that one hope.
But the silveret had taught him the value of friendship. Of love. The pain of being left alone stung, but he could not forget that. He wasn't a kid any longer, and a part of him knew that being left behind was probably inevitable, but that closing your heart did no good. You would be alone either way. Just blissfully unaware in the latter, and there was no way he could go back to that state. Pretend none of this had ever happened.
But there, the clarity of thought ended. Nothing made sense. What he wanted, what he should do.
There had been that apology. 'It's not your fault. I'm sorry.' Gentle words. No explanations. What was the point? It left him as confused as ever. An apology did nothing to take away the guilt and the pain.
Irrational. Feelings hardly were rational, were they? Guilt for something that was no one's fault. That feeling that maybe it had been something he'd done. What was he supposed to do with these feelings? How was one supposed to live with this bitterness? It should have been easy, with all his years of experience coping with sis' leaving. But even the pain from that had been dulled with the passing of time, leaving only the strongest feelings of determination and being completely alone. How had he coped? Squall didn't think he had an answer.
Better off alone. Was he? Hands curled into tight balls as he leaned further back into the sofa, head thrown back and eyes staring into the silent darkness of the ceiling.
