#stage4

[theenlightenedoutlaw]

[aggressivelymovinginsilence]

mood.

[touhou-memories]

Lotus Land Story stage 1, stage 3, stage 4 and extra stage midbosses.

[wodeworm]

Lance Stage 4

some old doodles

[this-will-be-what-kills-me]

Today the exhaustion felt like it had seeped into my bones and even to have my eyes open was fighting the greatest war. I did the things I had to do and inbetween I lay in bed and prayed for sleep to take me under, just for a little while.

I wonder if the exhaustion is linked to the sadness. That wasn’t in the self help books or on the Google results when I researched what to expect when your mum is dying. I read all about the changes in breathing, the change in skin tone, changes in eating and drinking and sleeping habits. Change, change, change. I close my eyes and wish it would all stay the same. Even in this moment where she’s the worst she’s ever been and I feel like I’m made up of 50% worry and 50% grief, she’s here.

I’ve poured my heart out on these very notes pages more times than I can count… screamed about my hurt from the rooftops. I cried about everything and now none of it seems worth it. In all that time, I never once doubted my strength or ability to carry mountains on my back. I thought that’s what I was doing. But this has taken me down, day by day, minute by minute. I feel this physically slice through my heart 700 times a day and my legs go so weak that I have to sit down and I never know which will be the time I don’t make it back up again.

I just downloaded The Carpenters because she listened to it when I was growing up and I know even now that it will take me years to press play. But if life is all about those little threads and invisible strings then mum, I want spider strength to tie me to you forever and ever and ever. I want to see your face in real life, I want your smiles and your sarcasm and your sharp tongue to be the reality instead of the waking up in the middle of the night with your sadness haunting my dreams. I want it all to be over so badly that I’ll never stop feeling guilty for wishing time to move faster when you have so little of it left. And if we had a thousand or a million seconds to go, I know it would never be enough.

How am I supposed to ever fall in love or buy a house or get married or have a child without you being a part of it. Who do I call when I can’t call ‘mama’ from my phone. How am I supposed to go on living when you’re not here? Up to now, it’s been 18 months of grieving for someone who still takes breaths. Not once in those 18 months have I felt true joy or happiness, not once have I laughed without thinking of all the jokes you’re going to miss. And mum, I am so, so scared. I’m so terrified that I feel sick so often, I cry when I’m on my own for more than 5 minutes, I never put my phone down when I can help it. TV lost its interest a long time ago, songs that I loved became reminders of the biggest loss I’ll ever know. I’m scared because I know what’s coming and I know that I’ll never be ready. All of this I guess is just to say, that if this pain is the price for getting to love you extra these past 18 months, if this pain is punishment for all those years of conflict, if I have no choice other than to sit here and take it then I want you to know that I’d hurt and bleed and cry for you a billion times over. If there was any way on this earth that I could help you to stay then I’d have already found it. And I love you, I love you, I love you. You are a part of me forever ❤️

[blackwidowyael]

ahhhhh mg so excited for the release of Wandavision!!! Have already watched the releases episodes twice lmao- they r amazing 😊🙃

[s-byrne]

[s3809917]

Reflection/ feedback

I put this poster up in my local shopping centre and watched people as they viewed it. Most people smiled, which I’m glad it sparked a positive response in them. 

I’ve learnt a few things from this independent project, but most of all, I learnt that I can come up with an idea for something quite cool (in my opinion anyway) out of somewhere completely random. I really enjoyed the process of this task. I think each stage was relevant to the final product and it was exciting coming up with new ideas.