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It's Gonna Be Me - *NSYNC
Can we just talk about how inherently creepy this song is?
Baby when you finally
get to love somebody,
Guess what?
It’s gonna be ME
There comes a day
when I’ll be the one:
YOU'LL SEE
It’s gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna
It’s gonna be ME
My point is: I think I've just found my wedding song.
Stalking Song #2
"The cops tell her to stay 500 feet away. She's sleeping on my doorstep, she hasn't hurt me yet."
Today's musical instalment is the song Stalker by Goldfinger. Although it is less well-known, this song has no shortage of awesome stalking material. Written from the point of view of someone's victim, this song allows a stalker to be able see things from their true love's point of view, which is a necessity. Generally the goals of stalking may be selfish, but sometimes it serves one well to wonder if a victim actually wants 10 photos of themselves from across the street delivered to their doorstep... The song is also a beacon of hope for all of stalker-kind in that the lead singer proclaims, "I want to marry my stalker." at the end of each chorus. This just goes to show that jail is not the only way out of stalking, and that dreams do come true!
Stalker Tip #15
Throughout your career as a stalker you may sometimes find yourself in uncomfortable situations. No, I’m not talking about that time you were in a tree and got a kink in your neck from trying to see inside your victim’s window, I’m talking about something much scarier than that. Talking to your true love. Although it may seem impossible, it’s not an uncommon occurrence. If you’re adamant about your stalking, you’ll probably be spending 15-18 hours of the day in the same venue as your victim (not including their closet), which is bound to generate some interaction. Talking to your love can be a great thing if you are prepared, so here are some Do’s and Don’ts for conversing with a victim.
Situation #1
You’re sitting in a café a few tables away from your true love, subtly watching their every move, when suddenly they get up to go buy a coffee. You automatically get up and stand behind them in line, despite the full cup at your table. Then, out of nowhere, your love turns around, stares deeply into your eyes, and asks if they can borrow a quarter. What do you do?
Don’t: Give them the deer in headlights look. This strategy may work in class to simulate stupidity or deafness in order to avoid answering a question, but in the real world you just look plain crazy. And the only type of insanity you want your true love to see is how crazy in love you are with them… Another don’t for this situation would be using the line, “The only currency I use is sexual favours.” Although this may seem like it would be alluring and mysterious, it often has the opposite effect, causing your lover to run away.
Do: Smile sweetly at your true love and offer to purchase the coffee for them. You can then invite them to your table and laugh the afternoon away over how much you have in common and are seemingly meant to be together. And if you happen to slip something into their drink in order to “persuade” them to come home with you, then so be it.
Situation #2
It’s nearly dinnertime and you’re following your love home after a hard day of watching them work. You’re being careful to keep at least one arm’s length between you and them at all times, don’t want to get too creepy. Suddenly, a crack jumps up from the sidewalk and trips you, causing you to vault forwards, and knock your true love over. They then turn around and say something along the lines of, “What the hell?!” What do you do?
Don’t: Take this opportunity to pin them to the ground and smother them with a chloroform rag. There’s a time and place for everything… Another don’t would be to place your ear to their chest and say, “Your heart is beating so fast, are you excited to see me?” or to bury your face in their jacket, deeply inhale, and say, “This is my favourite scent on you, did you know we’d be meeting today?” Although these may seem like cute things to say, they could result in physical harm done onto you courtesy of your true love.
Do: Quickly pry yourself from the entanglement of limbs and offer your victim some help up. You should then ask them if they’ve been harmed in any way (if they have, then you get to spend a couple of hours in the hospital together!), and if they’d like you to walk them home. If they say yes, remember to comment on how nice their house is, and not on how they moved that flowerbed from the windowsill to beside the door. And if you do walk them home, make sure to be extra careful when you’re watching them sleep that night, your face will be fresh in their mind.
Situation #3
It’s a Friday night and you’re at the bar your true love works security at with some friends (they’re more just props than anything, really). You would never be dumb enough to actually intake any alcohol, you need 100% focus in order to concentrate on your true love. Your friend, however, has had a few too many and is stumbling around making a fool of themselves. Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder. It’s your victim. They say to you, “You should probably get them some water, or take them home.” What do you do?
Don’t: Scream. The thought of actual physical contact may be terrifying, but screaming will just lead your victim to believe you're crazy, which, as we learned before, is a bad thing. It could also lead to you getting kicked out of the bar, distancing you from your lover. Don't put your hand on theirs, lace your fingers together, squeeze their arm, grab their face, smell their skin, lick their fingers or do any other sort of reciprocal action. A hand on the shoulder might be a proclamation of undying love to you, but to some it's a simple, meaningless gesture (crazy, huh?).
Do: Smile politely at them and tell them that you need some assistance because you can't possibly handle your friend alone (PSHH, YEAH RIGHT!). This is a foolproof way to get alone with your love because if they don't help you, then you can get them fired! Get them to help you bring your friend out to your car, all the while being sure to keep the conversation flowing (remember, the fact that they like to sing "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias in the shower every morning is NOT a good topic of conversation). Once out to your car, maybe try to slip them your name/number or get theirs. If you're really bold no one is saying you can't take measures into your own hands to get them back to your house (the trunk has air holes, right?)...
So there you have it folks, some basic things to do and not to do when interacting with your love. Who says all conversation has to be painful and awkward? Oh, and if your victim catches you watching them from their closet... There's no talking your way out of that one. Sorry.
Stalker Tip #13: Silk screen a photo of the person you are stalking onto your pillow case, so as to create the impression of intimacy.
Stalker Tip #7
Two words: lip reading. Three words: it is awesome. Four words: learn to do it. Five Words: you will discover so much. For real. Listening in on the conversations had by the person you are creeping can be very advantageous. This is an excellent way to feel like you are getting to know your true love without actually having to get up the courage to talk to them. However, due to noisy atmospheres or distance sometimes you will not be able to hear what they are saying. Fear not, though! This is where lip reading comes into play. This technique has the added bonus of getting to fixate your gaze on your love's tender lips, as well as being able to gain valuable information from their conversation. Once you have mastered the skill, even across a crowded cafeteria you will be able to learn all about how your love's day was, how they did on that last exam and what their plans for the weekend will be. Careful, though, if you see their lips shaping out the phrase "why is that creepy person staring at me and taking notes?" then you may want to take a break and go for a little walk to throw them off your trail.
Stalker Tip #6
You know you've done it before. Stared at that cute guy or girl across the room for an obscenely long time until they finally look at you, make awkward eye contact, and then look away. It's probably the worst (not to mention most embarrassing) possible outcome that could occur in that situation. All you wanted was to memorize every minute detail of your true love's face so that when you get home, you can add that freckle just above their left eyebrow to your cross-stitched pillowcase of their face. Well don't worry my fellow stalkers, this problem can be avoided. With the simple application of the phrase, "Take a picture, it'll last longer!". That's right, no longer is this sentence reserved for sassy preteen girls, you can now use it in your everyday life.
All you have to do is locate your target, get a good, hidden vantage point (such as from a balcony overlooking a cafeteria, or from a tree branch), and click the pic. Now, just like that, you have a permanent record of your true love that you can use in any way you want. Want it as your phone background so you can look at them every time you get a text? No problem. You can even screen print it onto a shirt and wear it under all your clothes everyday so you're always close to them. If you're feeling really creative, you could even play around in photoshop to create the perfect couple picture of you and them together! Feel free to use this technique as many times as you'd like. We have created many fun scrapbooks of all our past lovers, it's great to have all those memories in one place!
Stalker Tip #4
When you are caught off guard by the sighting of the person whom you have decided to stalk, it is very important that you carry on as usual. Stopping mid-sentence in conversation and staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed at your victim while they pass by is a very dangerous thing to do. This kind of action can draw attention from bystanders and, depending on how much you are drooling out of the side of your mouth, they may begin to view you as creepy / weird / threatening. While you may or may not be creepy / weird / threatening, this is NOT the image you want others to have of you. As such, it should be one of your top priorities to practice your poker face, and always be mentally prepared to quickly carry on with any conversations* you were having or any activities** you were doing when your victim appeared so that your stalking does not become evident.
*if you were previously talking about your victim, we would advise that you casually change the subject, or at least stop using their name. **if you were previously drawing a picture of your victim, looking at pictures of their house, or smelling an article of their clothing that you stole, you should try to inconspicuously hide the evidence and pretend to tie a shoelace or something that is distinctly not related to stalking.
Stalker Tip #2
Never ever give up. If the person you saw while walking to class really IS your true love (and you should trust your instinct on this one - they probably are) then you must not relent until as much information about them as possible is found. Don't know their name? No problem. Just log onto Facebook and don't log off until you find them and memorize every fact they have available for public viewing. This can be achieved through examining photo albums of people who may be connected to your true love, searching through groups they may have joined, and even randomly clicking on friends and hoping for the best. Whatever you do, though, do not give up. Work through the night sifting through the piles of information available to you. Watch the sunrise and think about how nice it will be to wake up next to this love in the future when you two are happily married. Skip class to keep researching because the most valuable thing you can learn is what elementary school your victim - er, true love - went to and whether they 'like' Twilight or not (an automatic deal breaker).
