Throughout your career as a stalker you may sometimes find yourself in uncomfortable situations. No, I’m not talking about that time you were in a tree and got a kink in your neck from trying to see inside your victim’s window, I’m talking about something much scarier than that. Talking to your true love. Although it may seem impossible, it’s not an uncommon occurrence. If you’re adamant about your stalking, you’ll probably be spending 15-18 hours of the day in the same venue as your victim (not including their closet), which is bound to generate some interaction. Talking to your love can be a great thing if you are prepared, so here are some Do’s and Don’ts for conversing with a victim.
You’re sitting in a café a few tables away from your true love, subtly watching their every move, when suddenly they get up to go buy a coffee. You automatically get up and stand behind them in line, despite the full cup at your table. Then, out of nowhere, your love turns around, stares deeply into your eyes, and asks if they can borrow a quarter. What do you do?
Don’t: Give them the deer in headlights look. This strategy may work in class to simulate stupidity or deafness in order to avoid answering a question, but in the real world you just look plain crazy. And the only type of insanity you want your true love to see is how crazy in love you are with them… Another don’t for this situation would be using the line, “The only currency I use is sexual favours.” Although this may seem like it would be alluring and mysterious, it often has the opposite effect, causing your lover to run away.
Do: Smile sweetly at your true love and offer to purchase the coffee for them. You can then invite them to your table and laugh the afternoon away over how much you have in common and are seemingly meant to be together. And if you happen to slip something into their drink in order to “persuade” them to come home with you, then so be it.
It’s nearly dinnertime and you’re following your love home after a hard day of watching them work. You’re being careful to keep at least one arm’s length between you and them at all times, don’t want to get too creepy. Suddenly, a crack jumps up from the sidewalk and trips you, causing you to vault forwards, and knock your true love over. They then turn around and say something along the lines of, “What the hell?!” What do you do?
Don’t: Take this opportunity to pin them to the ground and smother them with a chloroform rag. There’s a time and place for everything… Another don’t would be to place your ear to their chest and say, “Your heart is beating so fast, are you excited to see me?” or to bury your face in their jacket, deeply inhale, and say, “This is my favourite scent on you, did you know we’d be meeting today?” Although these may seem like cute things to say, they could result in physical harm done onto you courtesy of your true love.
 Do: Quickly pry yourself from the entanglement of limbs and offer your victim some help up. You should then ask them if they’ve been harmed in any way (if they have, then you get to spend a couple of hours in the hospital together!), and if they’d like you to walk them home. If they say yes, remember to comment on how nice their house is, and not on how they moved that flowerbed from the windowsill to beside the door. And if you do walk them home, make sure to be extra careful when you’re watching them sleep that night, your face will be fresh in their mind.
 It’s a Friday night and you’re at the bar your true love works security at with some friends (they’re more just props than anything, really). You would never be dumb enough to actually intake any alcohol, you need 100% focus in order to concentrate on your true love. Your friend, however, has had a few too many and is stumbling around making a fool of themselves. Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder. It’s your victim. They say to you, “You should probably get them some water, or take them home.” What do you do?Â
Don’t: Scream. The thought of actual physical contact may be terrifying, but screaming will just lead your victim to believe you're crazy, which, as we learned before, is a bad thing. It could also lead to you getting kicked out of the bar, distancing you from your lover. Don't put your hand on theirs, lace your fingers together, squeeze their arm, grab their face, smell their skin, lick their fingers or do any other sort of reciprocal action. A hand on the shoulder might be a proclamation of undying love to you, but to some it's a simple, meaningless gesture (crazy, huh?).
Do:Â Smile politely at them and tell them that you need some assistance because you can't possibly handle your friend alone (PSHH, YEAH RIGHT!). This is a foolproof way to get alone with your love because if they don't help you, then you can get them fired! Get them to help you bring your friend out to your car, all the while being sure to keep the conversation flowing (remember, the fact that they like to sing "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias in the shower every morning is NOT a good topic of conversation). Once out to your car, maybe try to slip them your name/number or get theirs. If you're really bold no one is saying you can't take measures into your own hands to get them back to your house (the trunk has air holes, right?)...
So there you have it folks, some basic things to do and not to do when interacting with your love. Who says all conversation has to be painful and awkward? Oh, and if your victim catches you watching them from their closet... There's no talking your way out of that one. Sorry.
