#stalkeyes snippets

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Stalkeyes Snippets: Played You Like Chess

[After Ford learns of Bill's manipulations]

Ford: "FORGET IT! IT'S OVER! I AM NOT WORKING WITH YOU ANYMORE!" Bill: "Eh, it was a worth a shot. But how about one last game of chess, just for old time's sake?" Ford: "NO!" Bill: "Awwww, pweeeease?" Puppy-dog eye Ford: "………………………Fine."

[Twenty minutes later]

Ford: "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! HOW ARE YOU BEATING ME?! YOU NEVER BEAT ME BEFORE!" Bill: "Oh, that's 'cause I was playing by the 'Stanford Pines Always Wins' rule. A little house rule to make it, yanno, an actual challenge for me. I could tell you've never played chess in your entire life, 'cept with that sweaty twin you kept whinin' about. An' he always let you win, so, yanno. Nostalgia." Ford: [F U M I N G]

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Stalkeyes Snippets: Eye See What You Did There

Stan: [Pops his glass eye out and turns around to see his niblings staring at him] "…What? Oh, thoughtya knew already. Still, can'ta been that hard to figure out. Why d'ya think I added an eye patch to my get-up?" Dipper: "Huh. I thought it was like, that old pirate thing where you switch which eye has the patch so one of them is always adjusted for darkness." Mabel: "Don't be silly, pirates aren't real!" Stan: "Yanno, yer takin' the fact that I have an empty eye socket remarkably well right now." Dipper: "We've seen Mr. Tummy, nothing much can top that."

[Credit for the 'Stan has a glass eye' idea goes to @mother-ofthe-universe ]

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Stalkeyes Snippets: How To Encourage Overworked Money-Obsessed Old Men To Eat

Wendy: "Headin' into work, doot-doot-do-do, places to not be, things to not do-" Mabel: [Is putting those 90% cocoa chocolates in the cash register] Wendy: "Um, what are you doin', Mabes?" Mabel: "Oh hi, just putting chocolate in the cash register. As you do." Wendy: "…Chocolate money?" Mabel: "Nah, chocolate not-money. It's healthy chocolate, though! It's got, like, all of the cocoa." Wendy: "Oh. …Can I have some?" Mabel: "NO. It's for starved old men only!"

[Earlier, at the Pioneer Day festival...]

Stall operator: "HEY, that little girl is stealing all my candy!" Mabel: [Gasp] "How DARE you make such baseless accusations! You can't prove anything!" [She yells as she dramatically points and flings about six candies out the top of her sleeve]

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Stalkeyes Snippets: Low Grow

Mabel: "Yeesh. When did we turn into gross, hairy, stinky grown-ups?" Dipper: "Mabel, we're only 18. We're only, like, technically adults. We still can't buy alcohol. …But we can vote and buy guns in most states, soooo… dunno what's up with that." Mabel: "Blehhh. Not helping. Look at me, I'm huge. An' I had to shave this morning… shave! Can you imagine me shaving five years ago?" Dipper: "Way to rub it in," [idly flicks the sparse stubbles on his chin] "I swear you have even more body hair than me." Mabel: "Hehe, prob'ly. …Omigosh, what if…" Dipper: "What?" Mabel: "Okay, hear me out here. You've been chasin' weird stuff for five years now, but have'ya ever seen Bigfoot? No? PLOT TWIST - it was me all along!" Dipper: "Huh?" Mabel: "Yeah! With you gone, I'm totally just gonna go nuts and live in the woods, an' all this body hair's just gonna go 'whoooooooooooooop' an' I'll be the crazy Sasquatch lady of the wilds!" Dipper: "Hahaha! Heh… yeah, could be." Mabel: "An' who knows, maybe puberty's just been holdin' out on ya! Maybe you'll wake up one morning to find ya've turned into an EIGHT-FOOT-TALL MOUNTAIN MAN, with a beard that goes down to yer knees! An' then you'll go completely cray-cray tryin' to shave it all an' you'll come live with me in the woods, an' we can be BIGFOOT TWINS!"

Mabel would later write a children's book called 'Help! My Sister is Bigfoot!'

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Stalkeyes Snippets: The Scottish Triangle

Dipper: "You know you can say Bill's name, it's cool." Ford: [Gets splashed by a passing car] "No, you really can't." Dipper: "What, say Bill's name?" Ford: [Garbage can falls over and hits him on the foot] "Stop saying it!" Dipper: "Saying what?!" Ford: "BILL! …Bah, now I've said it." [Gets struck by lightning] Mabel: "See, this is why I always call 'im the 'triangle guy' or 'isosceles jerk'." Dipper: "Or 'piss-coloured toblerone'." Mabel: "Shhhh! Grunkle Ford doesn't need to know about that one!" Ford: "What was that he said, Mabel?" Mabel: "Uh- peach! Peach-coloured toblerone!" Ford: "What on Earth is a toblerone?"

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Stalkeyes Snippets: Like Grunkle, Like Grephew

Dipper: "Doot-doot-doo, doing math homework, doot-doot-doo, getting it out the way…" Mabel: "A-HA! You were doing that thing again!" Dipper: "What thing?" Mabel: "That thing when you sing to yourself when you're super-focused on a task, just like Grunkle Stan! Now yer never allowed to complain about me singing!" Dipper: "It's nothing like that, it's much quieter for a start-" Mabel: "NEVER, I SAY!"

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Stalkeyes Snippets: The Mason Scene From Journal 3, Extended Edition

Ford: "You know, I'm rather curious, Dipper. What got you so interested in the paranormal in the first place? You already know of my fingers, now I'd like to know your… uh, finger moment." Dipper: "Well… I mean, you've seen my birthmark, I guess. Mom and dad used to tell me it made me special. That I should take pride in it. And yeah, I guess they were right. …But kinda feels like a dumb thing to believe, in hindsight." Ford: "How so?" Dipper: "Well, mom's a private investigator. Not like, film noir style, one of those boring ones that investigate insurance fraud. She doesn't believe in the paranormal; even when we played D&D&MD together, we used to argue about it. And my dad… well, he used to tell me these bedtime stories about how he used to be a space pirate, and my birthmark was evidence of my 'cosmic ancestry', and I believed him. Really believed him. I didn't take it well when he told me it was all made up. Go figure." Ford: "I see… well, you could certainly do a lot worse…" Dipper: "Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, they're not horrible parents or anything, it's just… I wish they understood. Like, they're what got me into this. It might not have been real to them, but it was real to me. And I just, I really wanted it to be real. It was kinda all I had. I mean, I didn't have any friends besides Mabel. If all that stuff wasn't real after all, I… I dunno what would have happened." Ford: "I think I know the feeling. Well, perhaps if your parents come around one day, I can make your father a space pirate for real."

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Stalkeyes Snippets: Critical Dissonance

Ford: "Gah, what do film critics know, anyway?! Waste of a career!" Stan: "That's rich comin' from you, Mr. I-can-see-where-R2-D2's-head-comes-off-so-the-actor-can-get-out." Ford: "How'd you know about that?! That movie came out after the- incident." Stan: "Ya watched it with Dipper, remember? He told me." Ford: "Did he now?" [Turns to face the poor kid] Dipper: "O-oh, heh… wouldya look at that, bedtime's only… two hours away, better go brush the ol' teeth."