The first three weeks of rehearsal fly by. You and Steve have spent time together, maybe too much time. It’s to the point that you’re comfortable with him, he does drive you to work almost everyday. The two of you often pick up takeout on your way home from the theatre and on those nights you tend to invite him to join you for dinner. He doesn’t always, but enough where you’re comfortable with one another again.
After that first day Quill had sent you several long texts reminding you how hurt you’d been when Steve had broken up with you and to remind you not to get attached again. You know he means well but you don’t need the reminder. You would still like to be able to have a comfortable and friendly relationship with Steve. So you ignore Quill.
You really like the company they’ve put together. Shuri’s older brother T’Challa is a serious but funny man, he plays well off of Scott and Viz the two other men you’ve worked the most with. Okoye and Angie are both really sweet girls and you’ve enjoyed your time working with them and your understudy Maria.
Things are progressing quickly and you can’t believe that opening night is only a week away. You’ve got most of your lines down, and almost all of the scenes feel okay, there’s just one that’s been bugging you. It’s the big scene with T’Challa’s character, the first kiss, and it’s just kind of awkward.
You’re sitting on the edge of the stage, feet dangling over the side as you read through the script. “Hey Sammy?” You call not looking up from your script.
“Can you come here please? I wanna go over this scene with you.”
“Which one? The first kiss?”
“Yea, it’s just, awkward,” you tell him with a sigh as he stands on the floor in front of you.
“Okay, let’s walk through it.” Sam offers, he joins you on the stage and you run through the scene and when you get to the spot, where T’Challa’s Daniel is holding your arms in his hands he winces. “Yea, it’s weird.” He admits.
“I think it’s like the blocking or something.”
“Yea,” Sam looks over his shoulder, “Steve. Need a favor!” He calls moving away and you grasp at his arm knowing what he’s doing. But you’re not fast enough to stop him.
“I need to see the scene, play Daniel for me.”
“Come on man! We need to iron this out, I need to see it and you’re the only one here.” Sam snaps and Steve bites his cheek but nods once. Sam hands Steve as script and you move to your spot.
You can do this. You’re a professional. It’s fine, 100%, totally fine.
“Ready?” You ask Steve and he nods and you take a deep breath before starting.
“Captain. What are you doing here? I don’t have time to fall in love.” You sigh turning away from him and heading to where the small cot will be.
“Nurse Carter.” He says softly, and a corner of your mouth quirks up. “I’ve got some pain in my chest. There’s this ache Sugar, one that won’t go away.”
“I’m afraid,” you say crossly, “that you’ll have to go to the nurses tent. As you can see I’m off duty.”
“Afraid I can’t, pretty sure you’re the only one who can help me.”
“Daniel.” You huff, unable to keep the smile off your face. “We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I’m too tired, too cold, too broken and I can’t keep losing people. I can’t care about more people only to have them die too.” You admit softly and Steve just stands there, watching you, “I’m, I’m sorry Daniel.” You stutter.
“Move to me. Slowly as you say these next few lines.” You instruct.
“I’ll protect you while you sleep, hold you close to keep ya warm. I’ll help you put yourself back together. Peg, we can’t let them take this from us too.” When he stops talking he’s close enough to you to just lean down a little and kiss you. Your hands have somehow ended up in his.
“I-I can’t. I can’t do this I’m sorry.” You say breaking away from Steve and moving rapidly backstage. Your heart is racing as you lock yourself in your dressing room. When he’d looked down at you like that, your hands ending up in his, it just brought back so many feelings you weren’t prepared for.
And as much as you hate to admit it, you hate that he didn’t kiss you.
There’s a soft knock on your door and when you don’t respond Steve’s voice comes through the door.
“Doll?” Steve’s voice is soft and despite what your head is telling you to do you pull the door open. “I’m so sorry Doll. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He says running his fingers through his hair.
“It’s alright.” You mumble, “I was being kind of a spaz.” You bite the inside of your bottom lip, a habit you developed to keep yourself from blurting things out that, usually, didn’t need to be said. Of course Steve notices.
“What is it Doll?” He soothes, “What’re you keeping from me?”
“What happened Steve? One day we’re happy, in love, moving to LA. Chasing the dream together and then,” You snap your fingers, “Suddenly you’re calling me and saying it’s over. That you’re not coming to LA. What happened?” Steve looks down at you sadly but doesn’t say anything. “I think I deserve an answer Steven.”
“You do, I’m sorry I can’t give you one.” He says gently and you let out a heavy sigh.
“I think this was a mistake, I’m gonna ask Sam if he can give me a ride home.”
“I’m sorry.” He says catching your hand as you go to walk past him. His touch causes you to freeze but you don’t look at him. “I wish I could give you the answers you want but I can’t.”
“I still do Doll. I never fucking stopped.”
“Then why did you break up with me? Why didn’t you come to Hollywood with me?” You demand gently, forcing yourself to look up at him.
“Doll, I-.” He stops himself then closes his eyes, “Please, you know me. Please trust me when I say I didn’t have a choice.” Your brows furrow in confusion and Steve turns to you. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.” He mutters and you stare up at him puzzled.
“But you did.” You whisper back, sliding your arm from his grip, tears pricking your eyes you leave him standing there. You can feel those eyes on you as you walk away, unshed tears gathered in the corners of your eyes.
Thankfully Sam doesn’t ask why you suddenly want him to take you home and not Steve.
It’s not until after a hot shower and crawling into bed that the wave of emotion hits you. You’re sobbing, the full body kind of sobs, just clutching to your pillow. It takes almost a half hour for you to calm down before you can call Carol. You just need to talk to your best friend, needed to hear her tell you it was going to be okay.
“Carol,” you choke out, “he still loves me.” Apparently you still have more tears to cry.
“Oh honey.” Her voice is soft and reassuring, “Do you want me to come out there?”
“Okay, I need you to take a deep breath for me. Can you do that?” You can faintly hear the sound of keys tapping in the background as Carol looks for a flight. You suck down a couple lungfuls of air, your body shuddering at the change of pace. “What happened?”
“Sam-Sam asked Steve to fill in for T’Challa. First kiss scene. It, it got too real. Steve admitted-” you break off attempting to take another calming breath.
“Sam is such an idiot. And where the fuck does Rogers get off telling you that?” She says angrily, “Jackass.”
“I still love him.” You admit softly and she sighs.
“I know honey. But if he loved you what happened?”
“He told me he didn’t have a choice. He- and he just asked me to trust him.” You tell her between shuddering breaths.
“I don’t know. Just, don’t make any decisions tonight okay? I’ll be on a plane first thing in the morning. Get some sleep.”
“Anything for you honey.” You hang up with her then and crawl out of bed, pulling open one of the blinds you stare out at the part of the city that you used to know. The city you’d shared with Steve. You’re not going to get much sleep tonight.
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