#stfu laura

[jimincer]

i’m so fucking confused and i hate it i wish i could just say for certain that this is what i am but i can’t and i don’t even know anymore fuck me

[lauristical]

happy 2023 my honeys, agaves if you're vegan

[lauristical]

when i was 6 i drew a realistic portrait of lindsay lohan that i would sleep with and somehow I didn't realise I liked women until almost a decade later

[lauristical]

if they wanted to they would

[lauristical]

the thing that drives me insane about french ppl is that they're picky eaters to a point where they're gaslighting themselves and making it everyone's problem

i feed french people garlic and onion the same way i feed children vegetables: without their knowledge

[lauristical]

the fact that the new hp game seems super cool is absolutely destroying me

[lauristical]

as a smallville veteran I was already familiar with the homoerotic implications of having a super and a luther together and it being gut-wrenching but not in an obvious romantic way, so i knew supercorp was never going to happen

[lauristical]

Dream Diary

I was hanging out at uni trying to attend a really exclusive lecture on Ghost Law because apparently in my dream we managed to prove that there is an afterlife and ghosts are real. For some reason I was with my friend's boyfriend and he gave me a brownie. Later on I started feeling weird and found out I was pregnant. I thought "This is impossible, I'm a lesbian! I'm married to a woman" (none of which are true statements in real life) and consequently thought "I'm the new Virgin Mary" and started hyperventilating.

Then he said to me "I'm so sorry, but that brownie I gave you was part of an experiment and you got pregnant through the WiFi because someone you're attracted to is around" and I was like "what?" because again, I was a lesbian teenage bride in this dream. But then this guy I've been dreaming of constantly for almost a month showed up and I put two and two together and thought "Okay, so he's the dad. Now what?"

Apparently I did nothing about it because there was a flash forward of 20+ years and there I was: A milf dressed in a tasteful suit, with a daughter who happened to look like a paler, taller and green-eyed version of my mum (so me, basically, but also not me). She had hot-pink straight hair and was having a panic attack outside a room full of people, because she was about to receive an award for a Marvel movie she directed, but was apparently tricked into going because she was wearing a colourful poncho and baggy jeans, so she wasn't dressed for the occasion. My now ex wife (I guess things didn't work out but she loved our daughter nonetheless) was like "You deal with the crying, I'm gonna go find her a blazer or something" and went away.

The trippy (or rather trippiest) part was that I was like "oh no my baby girl my beautiful wi-fi child she's suffering" and not for one second did I question whether I was dreaming or not. I was a Mother™️ so I put my calming-people-down skills to the test and it worked because she calmed down. There weren't any clothes so I put on her pants and gave her mine, then my ex wife changed shirts with her and we all looked a little bit dressed down but not excessively so. We were like "We're so proud of you, honey!!" stroking her arm and fixing her hair and makeup. 10/10 mothers, very cute.

I also love the fact that in this alternate reality I married someone who loved me enough to be okay with me getting pregnant through the WiFi and then raising our daughter. I wonder if we ever told her or if we just said we did IVF. Why did our marriage not work out? Also, that's like the fifth time I've dreamt about the kid's dad. There's lots to unpack there.