Turns out even if I forgive him and all that warm fuzzy shit, karmic clean up doesn't work like that.......I have to be able to SEE him.
Jesuschristonamotorbokeridingbackwardsuphill!? 🤯
So my stoned ass asks Erik why and he responds with some shit like:
Seeing him makes me depressed and emo because I'm reminded of all the pain and bullshit I went through trying to find him. Finding him was the reason I stayed alive. There. I finally said it. I dealt with depression my whole life. I nearly killed myself when I was about 6 years old. I already knew life was bullshit by then and wanted out.
I was constantly bullied, rejected, and misunderstood because of all my issues INCLUDING tourettes and being on the spectrum. That's all I looked forward to. Mostly being screwed over on way or another. I was always the last person to know of course. My childhood was alright inspite of it all. But years leading up to 2009 were absolute hell. I couldn't deal with my intuition. I was seeing glimpses of the future. I would see and talk to dead people (until I was 8). I just wanted to be normal.
So seeing him makes me freak out.
If that's so, we still have karmic work to do and I'm frustrated. I don't like feeling this way; he's the only thing or person that makes me so 😳 <---. Whatever that is. Finding the words right now is hard. Smoking a bowl. No one else alive...well there's been a few. Not just anyone makes me flustered. Not even my bf. Only when he decides to trim his face hedges. 🙄 Otherwise he looks like a bum but, I rather he look like a bum to be honest because I won't get all weird.
So this realization is sort of a blow to my ego I guess...
Thought we were done but nooooooo. I have to not get weird when I see him or on some off chance I see his doppelganger. Oh God nothing is WORSE than seeing Erik's doppelganger in public. I've had to run and hide my face because I'm fair complected so when I go red, I go REEEEEEEDDDDDDDD!! But I don't usually get embarrassed or flustered. I learned how to quickly think of something else or distract myself.
BUT ITS NOT EASY TO HAVE ERIK IN MY HEAD MEANWHILE HIS DOPPELGANGER IS LOOKING AT THE SAME JUNK FOOD YOURE LOOKING AT IN THE SAME FuCkINg AlsLE! 😳🤯😳☠
Something like that has happened. Years ago. Still not over it. I flew off with some random thing and lost Vince in the store. I was not looking my best and I was not prepared mentally for it. For the remainder I was on high 👀 alert like a 🦌 deer. Ready to dive into a plus size women's clothing rack or in the arts and crafts racks. I'm crafty. Graduated top of my class as high school stalker and guys hated me. They all rejected me. Of course was the last to know.
I know this sounds dramatic but I'm also stoned and avoiding Erik rn. Talking about this with him is hard. We keep putting it off because I get funky. Why do we need to do this? Is this necessary? It makes perfect sense so I get why, I just don't want to do it. Of course he doesn't want me to force myself either.
We remember the last time that happened!
(LOL I said we) I ended up confined to my bed hopped up on klonopin and seroquel. Not only am I incapable of dealing with my hurt and frustration, when I set myself to do somethings, it's go big or go home. This was a bad fucking idea. I kept seeing him and seeing him and by the next day I wanted to die. How do I do this slowly? He suggest a quick peek sprinkled here and there. 🤦♀️ Suppose he's right. Doing this slowly is the only way.
As I wished as a kid, I really wish 😪 I had no feelings. It's either too much or not at all. It's one of those feels that I actually wish I was just crazy...if it makes any sense. This suck balls dude.
😘💕 Gonna smoke this here bowl and pass the fuck out! Love peace and weed .
