Don’t let the anxiety win!!
As a dyspraxic, sport has always been a source of shame and embarrassment, especially because of the aggression and competitively, combined with ‘setting’ for PE, in school. As someone who struggles with coordination and reaction times, sport has never been easy for me.
However, as is the case for all human beings, I enjoy exercise. In my seratonin starved brain, the mood-lifting endorphins released by exercise are very much welcome. So I have always had to grapple with a) the need for fitness, b) my enjoyment of exercise, and c) my hatred of the humiliation and self-esteem destruction usually wrought by sport.
So with that context, I suppose it is hardly surprising that I generally avoid sport, and find sport situations highly anxiety inducing. However, rugby is a sport that I enjoy watching, and which runs strongly in my family. So if I was going to try any sport, it would be rugby.
Earlier this evening, was a tag rugby session ‘for all ages and abilities’ at my brother’s club. He encouraged me to join him for the session, as he has done for a few weeks now. Finally, I plucked up the courage to accompany him. A forward pass at the commencement of the game was hardly a promising start; a panic response to a shouted command with too-slow a reaction time, as my anxiety about being in a team-sport situation overtook me. However, this was the slap to the face that I needed to shake the anxiety and live in the moment. For the remainder of the game, I only paid attention to playing, and the anxiety quickly slipped away. It was the most grounded I have felt for a long time. The coach commended me for my ‘good hands’, and I scored three times, as well as successfully weathering a shoulder to the face from the biggest bloke on the pitch.
I know that I have to be aware of not only focusing on positive encouragement from others, as this is something I am overly-dependent on, as a result of my poor self-esteem and confidence, as my counsellor highlighted. So that’s why I’m writing this entry, to congratulate myself for dragging myself over to a session I was utterly dreading, to something that is a known trigger for my anxiety, and for refusing to crumble. Because my heart was racing and my breaths were short before even starting, and that first forward pass raised a lump in my throat. So well done me, for pushing onwards regardless, and for actually enjoying myself. Who knows, perhaps rugby will be my saviour?
To summarise: note to self, never let anxiety defeat you, because it can be beaten.