he’s feeling the steel spirit of a righteous man as it shatters, and he doesn’t gloat. doesn’t experience even a hint of pride or satisfaction. he stands silent to mourn the death of justice in their hearts.
tecchou could’ve pushed jouno off, easily, and yet he doesn’t. he trusts, stays in the hold that guides him to the ground. and it’s debatable whether he even understands the scope of the situation. justice seems a pure, untainted thing in his eyes, whilst it’s bloodstained to everyone else.
he’s atoning, laying the highest level of his respect down just as it were when he promised to uphold the honor of his sword. both him and teruko had intentions of dying for or alongside their commander, an honor which is refused to them.
both times he does this, jouno is the one at his side to behold it. there’s a significance to that, the lack of satisfaction it brings to him, the inevitability of the way he perceives things. “i knew this would happen”, he said in the cafe as tecchou made his promise. he knew here, too.
[♡] dazai always wingmanned you. you weren’t sure where this sudden enthusiasm of finding you a boyfriend had come from. all you knew was, ever since you left the port mafia, dazai was hell bent on finding you a boyfriend. your meetings with each other had become quite rare with him being an executive and you being… well, an ex-executive who was on the ‘good’ side now and all you wanted to do was unwind about your lives to each other but no! he had to ask you if you found anyone ever single time you both secretly met up, followed by him listing a string of guys he thought would be a great match for you. and you entertained him for some time until hastily changing the subject because you had a secret that would probably go to the grave with you. you loved osamu dazai. as much as a bitter truth it was, you couldn’t help falling in love with your best friend. the port mafia had always been a dark world and the only light that ever bothered embracing you was in the form of the man now sitting opposite to you in the bar, once again trying to set you up with ‘a fine police officer with a rather promising promotion up his sleeve’. finally, unable to bear the man you love go on about how you should be with someone else, you blurted out, ‘why are you so insistent of getting me a boyfriend, osamu?’ at this dazai freezes, eyes widening at you like a deer caught in a headlight. ‘insistent?’ he sputtered, and you could see the gears turning in his brain as though trying to find an answer to your question. looking away from you, he replied. ‘i just- i just want you to have a better life. to get away from this darkness. to get away from… me’. your clutch around the drink in your hand tightened, but you didn’t say anything. oh how you wanted to tell him that if anything, you wanted to be with him.
[♡] whenever you struggled to put on your clip, chuuya helped you. it wasn’t like you both were close; on the contrary, you both barely saw eye to eye and yet for some reason, mori often paired the two of you up for missions. it was true that both of you worked really well, your skills covering up his weak points and vice versa but it was like cooperation between the two of you started and ended within the fight to destroy the enemy. the port mafia was a dark world you had been thrusted into suddenly, and the only grasps of your previous life you had were the clips your father used to buy you regularly as a little girl. so as though to remind yourself that not everything was lost, you always wore childish clips during the missions. so here you were now, checking yourself out at the side view mirror of the car parked beside you as you attempted to put a pink strawberry clip on to your hair (without making it look like you had a balding spot). “what are you doing?” you heard chuuya’s voice come from behind you, breaking your concentration. closing your eyes you sighed, before turning towards him to glare at him. “trying to put this clip?”. chuuya raised an eyebrow, an action that always caused butterflies to erupt in your stomach for some reason. truth be told, chuuya nakahara was a beautiful man. and by that you didn’t mean only on the outside, but even in his actions you could see the remnants of a kind and caring person who just happened to be loyal to the port mafia. “well i guess it won’t hurt the enemies to see a beautiful person before they die,” he said. for a second you thought he was talking about himself and nearly hurled out another insult but then you realised he meant you, and you froze, unsure how to respond at all. he sighed as he walked over you, gently reaching out to take the clip from your hand. “here, let me help.” he murmured, leaning in closer as he held the back of your head with one hand and slid the clip on your hair with another. you could almost feel his breath dust your cheeks as time halted around you, you staring at his scrunched up concentrated face to get it right in one go. satisfied with the position, he looked back at you and gave you a smile, causing time to flow again. “there, you look even more beautiful now.” he took a step back and turned away and you slowly raised your hand to touch your clip, where the ghost of his touch still lingered. the port mafia had trained you to lie well but if anyone were to look at you now it would be a bit too obvious how much you liked chuuya.
[♡] somehow jouno was always the one who happened to be there when you were crying, offering you the comfort you needed at the moment. maybe it was his super hearing. or maybe it was his instinct. (or maybe, he was the person you desperately wanted to see whenever you had a breakdown and the universe decided to toy with you each time). but embarrassingly enough, jouno would always appear out of thin air whenever you were crying, whether you were in an empty room or a public place. no matter how embarrassed you were that someone, especially saigiku jouno, had caught you crying, you couldn’t stop yourself from being a blubbering mess to him. there was something about the way he would patiently listen to you, softly pat your back and whisper consoling words as you rambled on and on about what made you cry. then when you would have finally calmed down, he would tease you, much to your dismay because the last thing you wanted your crush to remember was your embarrassing moments. and yet, when you would start becoming hard on yourself or start apologising, he would become serious and scold you, telling you that it was natural to feel conflicted about whatever situation you were in. the first few times it was awkward to have the guy you liked see you like this but soon, he became the first thing that popped up on your mind whenever you felt down. and you could swear to god that he could also hear your thoughts because no matter how much he teased you, he was always there for you. ‘you have your ears out on purpose to listen if i’m crying and that’s why you pop up everytime, don’t you?’ you accused him one day when you were crying, but this time because you just had a realisation that he would probably never see you the way you saw him. jouno just sighed, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you into a hug. ‘i don’t need to listen to you cry to know that you are upset’. you froze in his arms at his words, trying to understand what he meant. but your mind was so muddled up with sadness, and him softly patting your back was not helping the situation either, so you just found yourself sinking into his touch. maybe you would break over his words later on.
[♡] tecchou was always on the quieter side, except whenever he was with you. you had known suehiro tecchou since the two of you were kids. you had always noticed how he used to sit quietly in class even during break times so you took it upon yourself to talk to him, sure that this silent boy just needed someone to pay attention to him as long as that person did the talking but boy, you were wrong. he not only talked back to you enthusiastically but ended up becoming good friends with you. it was weird, really. because whenever you saw him hanging out with his other friends, he would barely talk. you even overheard some of the people talking about how silent and standoffish he was, and some of them even had the audacity to ask you how you managed to converse with him. you told them maybe they didn’t have anything interesting to say to him, to which some people would joke that ‘or maybe we aren’t as interesting to him as you are’. you would just shrug (and act like that statement didn’t just cause your stomach to somersault because tecchou treating you differently because he liked you? that was a bit of a leap in your one sided love even for you), thinking back on a previous conversation which tecchou would have brought up himself enthusiastically. one day you finally decided to ask him. “why don’t you talk to others? you’re always yapping whenever you're with me.” the two of you were watching a movie, one of his arms draped over your shoulders as he rubbed mindless circles on your arm (you had no clue what the movie was about by this point). at this, techhou looks gives you a quizzical look, before replying, ‘because they’re not you?’. ‘ah.’ is all you manage to say, feeling a little heat rise up your cheeks. but you also knew he didn’t imply anything in that statement so you just mustered back a smile and turned your attention back to the tv, letting the feeling of his fingers tracing your arms through your shirt satisfy your feelings for now.
[♡] the only person who won against fyodor in chess was you. it was a surprise to you too, to be honest. even though the reason fyodor took you in the decay of the angels was due to your brains, looking at his actions to infect both mori and fukuzawa, and get rid of dazai was enough for you to realise that this man was leagues above you in terms of intelligence. it was almost like he was another species. and yet, you were not sure what had come over you when you barged into his room one fine day, right when he was in the middle of a chess match between goncharov and him, demanding that he played chess with you instead so that it would be an actual workout for his brain. what you were thinking was beyond you too (maybe it was the fact that no one had ever outsmarted you in your entire life and then there was fyodor dostoyevsky, a man who thought a hundred steps ahead of you). at first, when you realised your grave mistake, you were sure fyodor would ask goncharov to use his ability to swallow you whole into the earth and you would never stand a chance because you were never a fighter. but to your surprise, fyodor just smiled, asking goncharov to get lost and indicated at the now empty seat opposite to you. sure that you had just sealed your coffin, you sat down with a gulp, determined to win (if that was even possible). and that was the most brain racking chess match you had ever played. dostoyevsky wasn’t just good, he was brutally amazing. but you didn’t give up. somewhere down the line you realised your life was probably on the line so you calmed yourself down and continued… until you won. and when you did you looked up at him in shock, only to find him smiling back at you, tenderly. and that must have broken something inside you because you jumped up and ploughed him into a hug. soon it became a routine, and not a single time did you let fyodor win. until one day, you overheard nikolai and sigma talking about how fyodor obviously let you win and that was weird because fyodor hated losing. at first you felt angry at this, but then you realised if fyodor wanted to kill you… he already would have done that. you didn’t even contribute anything to the team yet. and so, you let the happy thought consume you as you walked over to fyodor’s room for another chess match, determined to win and see him give you that smile once again.
[♡] nikolai always walked you home, no matter what. it had become almost like a routine now. after your work was over in the rats of the house of the dead (which was…almost never), nikolai, who would somehow know when your work was over, would be found waiting outside your office room to walk you home. at first you weren’t sure what he wanted from you. after all, everyone and their actions had an ulterior motive here. and considering that nikolai was one of the five decay angels (fyodor had introduced you to the group and you were secretly working for both), you were terrified of him. in fact the first few days of walking back to home was just him talking non stop, sometimes in that comical way he had, and sometimes in the philosophical, deep way all the while you silently begged to not be killed by him. but the more you heard him talk, the more you felt how… humanely he was. especially whenever he talked about the birds in the sky, you could see his eyes getting excited, but in a different way than it usually did whenever he was throwing his sudden quiz questions. those times his eyes held true awe and wonder, like he truly wished he could become a bird and fly away from this burden, before his eyes would dim away as usual into the fake smile he always had plastered on his face. and slowly, you began to understand him. you too started quietly giving your opinions in the talks now, laughing a little at times when he was being silly but also enjoyed baring your soul to each other. and then you started looking forward to the walks. looking forward to seeing his smile, looking forward to see his serious face and trying to console him. you loved the fact that he kept his promise to walk you back home daily, come rain or shine. but the day he walked you back home when he was running a temperature, not listening to your protests of you being fine for a five minutes walk all because he promised you was the day you realised you were heads over heels with nikolai gogol. but even you knew, no matter how sweet he was, no matter the reason he first offered to walk home with you, he would never love you back.
A/N || Hi everyone! This is my first time writing for bsd, let alone anime. Do let me know what you guys think! Also I went with whatever names they are referred to in the anime. Comments and reblogs are appreciated! If you want to be added to the taglist, dm me!
A/N || Also, lemme know which all bsd men you wanna read abt (preferably NOT atsushi cus i still see him as a child im 20 cus ive barely read fics in this fandom so im not sure?) and don't ask why only chuuya is on the banner.
A/N 2 || P.S loosely based on my situationship (SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF IT PLS)
