been feeling sick with guilt over underperforming. it comes and goes, i guess. i'm just so afraid of the unkind thoughts other people might be having about me. i do a lot of contorting trying to stop anyone from disliking me or the things i do. it's exhausting. so much of my self-worth sits on the delicate branch of another person's fleeting thoughts. or at least the thoughts i think they're having.
fucked up thing is those unkind thoughts are technically my own. a bunch of people live in my head to tell me what i'm doing wrong. it feels inescapable so much of the time.
but sometimes i can imagine a version of myself who knows nothing could ever stop her from loving me. she's a part of me so devoted that her love is unconditional. i don't have to be kind, smart, successful, reliable, or anything for her to love me. other people don't have to accept me for her to love me. somehow, after everything that's happened, she's still here with me, unwavering and stubborn.
i'm trying to listen to her voice more than the others. i think she's my only way out.