a crackfic written by me lolz. keep in mind i’m using the phrase “this is why we can’t have nice things” ironically.
by the way this is a suju prompt writing challenge :D
warning; there will be cursing, and since this is a crackfic it will be written by my crackheaded ass
genre: crackfic sorry buddy
pairing: SuJu as a group / platonic
word count: 3789 oof theres part 2 for this 🤡
“how do we keep getting into these situations?”
“we’ve been working together on and off camera for almost 30 years and you still don’t know?”
“see — see this is why we can’t have nice things.”
“come here you piece of shit—“
“alright both of you quit it, we need to figure out how we managed to lock ourselves in this set before our managers come to get us.” heechul says, growing tired of eunhyuk and yesung’s banter.
currently, 9 members of super junior are stuck in what seems to be a pantry of some sorts. it was quite small, barely managing to keep all of them inside, but it was filled with food, so… none of them were complaining about the lack of space… yet.
siwon stared out the steel window. with strong hands he attempted to shake the bars open, struggling a little as he tried to pry it open.
giving up, he turns to look around the room even more.
below him, kyuhyun and ryeowook were fixated in a padlock and a chair with a uniform draped across from it neatly. the two maknaes have tried reaching for it, or have tried connecting pieces of sticks to grab the uniform, but have failed in all 10 attempts.
the group was divided into people who were goofing around, confused, and who were actually desperate to leave; however one singer particularly was standing in front of the camera. his face contorted with many emotions— a glint of betrayal and amusement in his eyes as his lips maintain a small “o” formation.
“i hate owl PD sometimes, but most of the time i want to know how his brain works.” he utters, eyes still staring at the camera.
shindong manages to silence the rest of the members.
“what do you mean, hyung?” donghae asks, slowly eating a pocky stick.
“this feels all too familiar… and i don’t want to assume that it is, and i really don’t want to believe that it is the case.” shindong laughs nervously.
“i think owl PD placed us in a set for The Great Escape.”
the pantry was suddenly filled with darkness, and just like that, all nine men seemed to have huddled together in a form of protection… of some sorts. oof.
“hello, super junior.” a voice calls out in the darkness.
“I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!! I WAS SO AFRAID TO SAY IT OUT LOUD THINKING SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN BUT I KNEW IT!!!” shindong yelled/whined.
“in order for the lights to be turned on, we need you to sing only the first verse of the nursery rhyme ‘nabiya’ with one syllable per person, according to age. once you do, the lights will then turn on, and you must escape within the next 24 hours.” the voice says.
everyone groaned, suddenly activating their ‘broadcast’ mode as they shuffled around. “alright get in line everyone. i'm near the steel windows.” leeteuk calls out.
behind him he feels heechul grip his shoulders. then yesung, shindong, siwon, eunhyuk, donghae, ryeowook and lastly kyuhyun.
“we’re struggling to turn on the lights. this is why we can’t have nice things.”
“can you stop saying that?”
“what and kyuhyun can have fad words but i can’t???”
“shut up lets try it one more time.”
“did donghae and eunhyuk just dance to otra vez…?” heechul asks in the dark. “wrong that was ryeowook and kyuhyun.” kyuhyun answers. “anyways. nabiya?” he throws out. “alright i’ll start again.” leeteuk warns.
“let’s do it in one go okay?” shindong calls out, making the rest of the members agree.
silence engulfs the room, and leeteuk slowly starts the game once more.
the lights were suddenly back on. each releasing their own sigh of relief, and broke their line as they all went back to where the previously stood.
“i still can’t believe we’re in the great escape? i loved that show…” yesung comments, dumbfounded as he tries to look for each and every camera inside the room.
“minus kang hodong.” he mutters, making sure the cameras haven’t heard him. beside him, leeteuk, shindong and heechul snickered.
with a clearer lighting, the members could now see that this looked like a warehouse of some sorts. the hallway in front of them seemed to be nothing but a dead end, however they could see stairs leading down to what seemed to be a lower floor.
“hyung, we’re four floors up.” siwon notices, as he continues to look outside the barred windows. “so that means there are four levels of this thing?” he continued asking.
“yeah, that seems like it.” shindong says as he pokes around each corner, trying to look for hidden clues.
“found it!!!” leeteuk says in a corner.
all eight heads whip to the direction of their leader, who seemed to have managed to rip off the lining of the room’s wallpaper.
in leeteuk’s corner, a small door could easily be seen. and just like that, siwon, donghae and shindong started to push the tables and boxes to the side, revealing the doorway. eunhyuk and ryeowook have ripped off the wallpaper, and with the help of heechul, kyuhyun managed to pry open the door.
“yah, hang on, this is going better than expected?” shindong comments. “we quickly managed to find the escape for the fourth floor and i don’t know if its the desperation speaking or if we’re all smart when we really need it to.” he added, receiving a smack in the head from heechul.
“took us about an hour but okay” ryeowook mutters, munching on a candy cane.
“before we go down though shouldn’t we search for clues or things we might be able to use along the way?” eunhyuk asks, opening boxes and checking shelves that were untouched.
“smart idea, we’ll never know what we might need so let’s just bring necessities.” leeteuk says, grabbing a flashlight from a shelf top.
super junior worked quietly, occasionally asking one another if they needed something. however, one member seemed to be eating quietly in the corner.
“donghae hyung... when will you finish that one box of pocky sticks?” ryeowook asks.
“why? do you remember that pocky game we did where you and kyuhyun became the highlight of-“ *SNAP*
“holy shIT RYEOWOOK BROKE A SHELF-“ siwon comments, watching his dongsaeng run after his hyung.
“HAJIMAAAAAAA” ryeowook chases donghae around the room.
“this is why we can’t have nice things!!!” eunhyuk calls out from one corner, looking at the broken shelf.
“oh my god there’s a strawberry flavored pocky. i call dibs!” he says, dashing to get the box.
amidst the chaos, leeteuk and shindong stared at the group from a distance. well, pretty much just two meters away from everyone else since the room is messy and small.
the moving camera panned to look at the chaos that is super junior, and slowly panned to where leeteuk and shindong stood.
noticing that the camera was looking at him, leeteuk began to host.
“alright, everyone as you have witnessed earlier, super junior is now currently in the famous reality show ‘the great escape’! shindongssi is one of the main casts in this show and we all know he’s been doing well. however right now we all seem to be in a bit of a loss as everyone—“
“hYUNG, you’re not supposed to talk to the camera— you’re supposed to focus on escaping please stop hosting.” shindong says as he pushes leeteuk away from the camera.
“don’t mind him.” shindong says to the camera as he looks at everyone.
“we’re all going down! come on, ryeowook stop clutching on donghae’s leg, donghae stop munching on a pocky stick and save that for later.” shindong says.
“fuck- where is everyone else?” leeteuk asks, scanning the room.
“heechul hyung is lying down. siwon is sitting near the exit we found earlier and yesung is trying to look for phone reception.” kyuhyun answers, on the floor eating raw ramen.
“damn you were eating the whole time and you never asked if i wanted some?” shindong asks, making grabby hands at the small ramen pack.
“get your own hyunggg i’m starving and we’re in a pantry.” the maknae says, handing shindong his own ramen pack.
pocketing the ramen, shindong grabs kyuhyun and forces him to stand up.
“let’s start heading down, we’ll never know how long we might take to finish the other rooms.” ryeowook says, acting as if nothing happened between him and donghae a few minutes ago.
siwon stood up, and slowly walked down the stairs that led to the third floor. heechul crawled his way down, munching on what seemed to be canned bread, and leeteuk had to stare at him to make sure he wasn’t loosing his mind. “this is why we can’t have nice things.” the leader muttered to himself.
as soon as everyone has reached the third floor, the lights all have turned on, revealing a wider room. it was an office type, similar to their set when they recorded for their chinese single ‘swing’. the walls and desks were all painted white and had accents of yellow and black sprawled about.
“this looks like the set for swing!”, siwon says, stepping down even further to look for more clues.
eunhyuk looked around and started pushing the corners of the walls, hoping to find an exit somehow.
everyone else started messing the set up, looking for clues and materials they could use to escape the third floor.
heechul sat down on a chair, pulling open random drawers of the desk and started opening folders and clearbooks that were arranged neatly.
on the other side, shindong did the same. “oh? this desk is locked.” shindong says as he tries to open the desk once more. “honestly its times like this where i need strength like hodong hyung’s.” he mutters as he tries to jiggle the locked desk even more. snickering, heechul agrees.
yesung on the other hand stepped in another room. accompanied by eunhyuk and kyuhyun, the three started opening what seemed to be lockers and closets for the ‘workers’ of this office. “shouldn’t there be a story for this?” yesung asks, opening a cupboard and finding nothing.
“oh yeah like the set is usually based off a movie or has a storyline.” eunhyuk agreed, opening a locker.
“isn’t it scarier if its just random though? like in the pantry it was literally nothing but food and a few boxes that held more food and papers.” kyuhyun asked. “i doubt that, since escape rooms usually tend to have a storyline.”
the maknae found what seemed to be a fire alarm, however, he was too scared to press it, so he just left it alone for now.
“everyone! come here for a bit!” they heard leeteuk call out.
dropping everything they were doing, the rest of the members gathered around shindong, heechul and leeteuk near the desks. “we figured out the storyline.” leeteuk said as soon as everyone was gathered around.
“we’re apparently in some sort of laboratory for some sort of gas? i found a map for the building and upstairs was their pantry. we need to look for keys to the exit upstairs though because apparently the stairs that lead down there is another link to that place over there.” shindong points to the right wing of the room, where a large glass window that held what seemed to be more files.
“then, this place is the research area, and where yesung, eunhyuk and kyuhyun were in earlier was their locker room. the second floor is the laboratory, where all of the ‘gas’ is made, and the first floor is the office/reception area.” shindong finished explaining.
“we have to figure out what makes this gas special though. is this even allowed to air? we’re discussing things that sound like drugs.” siwon asks, looking around the room.
“we had an episode where a teacher was actually a cult leader, i think this will be somewhat fine.” shindong shrugs, pocketing the map.
behind them, they heard what seemed to be a loud bang, followed by a groan, and a roar of high pitched laughter.
“what on earth were you two doing???” leeteuk asks. “donghae hyung tried to break the glass wall but turns out its one of those thick ass glass so he hit himself with his shoe instead.” ryeowook explains, tending to donghae’s shoulder, giggling.
heechul looked closely at the window, amazed at the noticeable scratch on the glass. “no wonder everything seemed to be heavy duty. they knew we’d get chaotic sooner or later.” he laughed.
“this is why we can’t have nice things.” kyuhyun says.
“that’s my line.” eunhyuk pouted, throwing a crumpled paper at kyuhyun. sticking his tongue out, the maknae retorts: “well sucks to be you.”
“hyung, i think i broke a desk???” siwon calls out from another side. “what do you mean you think you broke a desk?” yesung asks, going over to where siwon stood.
“jackpot” shindong says as he grabs the keys and folders from the locked desk siwon just broke. “you are a master of strength, choi siwon.” shindong compliments, sitting down to read the folder. “seems like we found the keys for the steel door upstairs and for some of the lockers in the locker room.”
“captain shin.” yesung randomly blurts.
“do you seriously watch the show, hyung?” shindong asks, amazed. “pfft yeah, its interesting and funny.” yesung shrugs.
“gay.” heechul snorts, receiving a slap in the arm from leeteuk. “this is why we can’t have nice things.” he scolds.
“i just said gay???” the gangster questions. “yeah no this is how the world works you either kill or be killed.”
kyuhyun starts tapping to the beat just like that one vine video. “whats it gonna be? *drumming* whats it gonna be?”
“are we gonna continue the search or not?” kyuhyun asks after a few moments of silence.
“GUYS I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING!” donghae calls out from the locker room.
everyone flocks to where he went. “you know donghae’s doing pretty good for a reality show.” leeteuk mutters to shindong as they stayed behind.
“i know right? i might pull some strings for him to join the cast as a guest sometime.” shindong replies.
at donghae’s location, another doorway has seemed to open. “what did you do?” leeteuk asks, shining his flashlight at the dark area. their leader stepped inside the dark room and felt round for a switch.
flicking it on, leeteuk felt his eyes widen as he scan the room’s contents. he shifts uncomfortably, and flicks off the lights. stepping out the room, he lets out a heavy sigh, and shivers. “is everything alright, hyung?” kyuhyun asks, noticing their pale leader.
“that room is giving me ultimate cringe-y vibes. i felt my sins run down my spine.” Leeteuk answers, handing kyuhyun the flashlight. “was that an undertale reference?” yesung asks,
“how do you even know what undertale is?” heechul says, on the ground, munching on donghae’s pocky sticks.
“aren’t those donghae’s?” leeteuk points out.
“he hasn’t noticed yet.” heechul shrugs, eating two sticks at a time.
“lets leave this place now” kyuhyun says, leaving the room he walked in earlier looking pale as ever. “told you it was hell.” leeteuk shakes his head, taking back the flashlight.
“aren’t we stuck here too long though?” shindong asks, watching kyuhyun lock the secret door shut with chains that belonged to yesung’s outfit.
“what did you even see inside that room?” siwon asks, stepping inside the locker room with powder in his face.
“what happened to you?” eunhyuk asked, wiping some of the powder off his face.
“gay” heechul once again comments.
“there was flour in the pantry when i tried to unlock the door on the right wing… but on the bright side ryeowook is in there with donghae and they’re both currently racking that area.
*INTENSE SHATTERING NOISES*
“what the fuck was that?” heechul asks, getting up and checking where the noise came from. “oh my god what on earth is that?” heechul asks, looking at the thing in front of him.
“there are so many unanswered questions right now and i’m here wondering when they’ll be answered.” shindong sighs, leaning on the wall near a locker. “huh? oh shit-!” shindong yells as he falls back, opening what seems to be another room.
“hyung!” eunhyuk calls, following shindong.
heechul stares at the shattered desks in front of him. “the fuck did you two do?”
“there was something sticking out of this desk so i tried to crack it open but i couldn’t so I asked help from donghae hyung and we both managed to shatter the desk instead.” ryeowook casually explains. “on the bright side we found the card to the front door once we escape.” donghae waves the card key in his hands.
“damn you two did this? this is why we can’t have nice things, this is mahogany!” leeteuk cries, looking at the broken desk.
“SHINDONG HYUNG FOUND THE EXIT FOR THIS FLOOR!” eunhyuk yells from the locker room.
everyone gathered themselves and yesung went back up the pantry to grab another canned bread before going down to the second floor.
the second floor was the laboratory. it looked like the type you’d see in a chemistry laboratory at school, but with more equipment scattered about.
in the middle of the room stood a tall glass cylinder that touched the ceiling, inside it is colored gas. it was a pretty mix of pastel colors, and a hint of pearl sapphire blue swirls made it look even prettier.
nine men stared at the glass in awe, admiring the swirling motion of their fandom color. “alright i think we should start moving again.” yesung said, quickly getting bored.
“kyuhyun, what did you see inside that locker room you locked?” siwon asks, pulling kyuhyun aside as everyone else starts to look for more clues.
“it was a white room full of pictures of us during that bonamana stage where leeteuk hyung wore a jacket and revealed his abs while heechul hyung was wrapped like a burrito and we all looked sexy and young and hot.” kyuhyun replied, shuddering.
“ah shit the fashion sense there was so 2010 though” siwon cringed.
“not to mention everyone’s hair.” ryeowook says, appearing behind them.
jumping, siwon and kyuhyun look at ryeowook. “since when were you listening to the conversation?”
“the moment siwon hyung mentioned something about a room kyuhyun locked.” ryeowook replies casually. “also when will yesung hyung ever notice more than half of the chains of his outfit is literally missing?”
“i think the moment he takes his clothes off at his home.” siwon guesses. “what if he notices now?” kyuhyun countered. “we’ll never know unless we provoke him. hey yesung hyung!” ryeowook says, and quickly skips over to yesung.
