#superfuckingpersonal

[iam-atree]

(PSA-I’m an emotional wreck so sorry for sharing too much information)

I made the dumb decision to look through my old blog from years ago and I’m honestly so upset about how much hasn’t really changed about my mental health. 

Here are some pros;

- I am not in a toxic and dirty house anymore. I live somewhere clean, quiet and inviting. 

- I’m not dependent on medication anymore. 

- I’m not abusing drugs or alcohol anymore.

- I haven’t sliced my skin open in a couple years. 

- I have three amazing pets who take care of me when my anxiety levels rise high.

the cons;

- I’m still struggling to leave the razor alone. I have picked it up too many times. 

- I can’t trust anyone, ending in many more failed friendships.

- the voices are still in my head, still taunting me. I think they got louder, and even more mad since I’m constantly fighting them instead of giving in.

- I disassociate way more. 

- I’ve gone from no appetite to too much of an appetite. Instead of closer to anorexia, I’m closer to being overweight.

- My parents live out of state, instead down the road. 

- I am tilting on the edge of abusing alcohol again. (or at least wanting to..)

- I now physically live farther away from everyone, making me even more lonely. 

Reading some of my old posts, I meant a lot of what I said. And so much has changed in my life since those posts. 6 years have gone by, my heart is still latched on to many things from then. 6 years ago me, I wish I could tell you how to stop leaning on others for support you should be giving yourself. Because 6 years ago me, they all left you. And you will spend the next few years recovering from that. Some of it is still heavy on you. Be patient with yourself, and remember those who truly matter will stay with you through it all. It won’t matter if it’s only two or three people. Those are the important ones. Those who left you like trash on the road, they don’t matter anymore. No matter how much they meant to you back then. You DO learn to live without all of them. You do. It becomes tough sometimes, but you learned a lot from it and it made you wiser and better for others. 6 years ago me, you get your BFA degree. You move into a loving home. You meet someone who treats you better, and when he doesn’t- he tries to learn from it. Because you mean THAT much to him. Your best friends stick by your side through thick and thin. You get better at your job!! You own your own business. You become a senior manager in the field you love. You travel. You still are living, and I’m proud of you for not giving up all those years ago. Those who sent you down that pit, they will try to tell you they are sorry. You forgive them. You never forget though, your heart has been heavy for this long- it’s not going away after a few words. But you have a partner that’s helping you carry that weight. You learn that many things you blocked away in your memories are real events that happened to you- not just nightmares. But you’re safer now. Yes, it’s hard to handle all the heavy truth but you are so much stronger than you are now, 6 years ago me. You have a problem with love- because you never stop loving anyone, no matter how much they hurt you. Even those who physically hurt you, you still left a little place for them in your heart. That’s your biggest flaw- your heart is on your sleeve at all times. You still haven’t figured out how to stop that. But now you have the choice to say no to people and mean it and hold a strong head up. You’re not as obviously unstable anymore,  you’ve gotten better at hiding it. Sometimes you even convince yourself. Just know that it’s okay to not be okay. But your life is worth living. You’ve always been worth it. Even if no one else can see it. 

[blackbeautifulandunbothered]

I actually want to mean something to someone and not be played so for the rest of 2017 I am not hooking up/ dating anyone. I’ve been spending too much time invested in people that don't care about me. That energy will be spent on school, getting a good job, growing my faith, getting back into hobbies and discovering new passions.

[blackbeautifulandunbothered]

I find myself wondering why we never worked out. Why we never went on dates. Why we never talked on the phone for hours. Why we never took our feelings to the next level. It's hard to remind myself that God has a plan for everything and he put you in my life for a reason, even though I wanted more, that was not what happened. You taught me what it feels like to be wanted and called beautiful. You taught me to not settle for someone who doesn't deserve me. I still hope one day we can give it a shot but if it never happens, I wish you the best in life.

[blackbeautifulandunbothered]

I really feel like I'm never gonna find a boyfriend

[themotherfuckingnighthawk]

Yo no sentirse amado o apreciado . En casa soy maltratado, física y verbalmente , por lo que eso no la mierda puta ayuda. Sólo que no creo que pueda hacerlo más. yo sólo quiero poner una pistola a mi maldita cabeza y acaba de BANG ! Termine esta farsa

[bruton-gasterr]

like ffs

the unknown is the fucking WORST

not knowing anything is worse than cheating to me

cuz it's like, at least i KNOW why you left/want to leave 

like fuCKL

whY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME IDGI

[soulsalvation]

I didn’t expect anything that day; nothing in comparison to you. I didn’t expect us to meet again, especially. But as fate had it, as if I had no control, you landed right in front of me- unexpectedly. Or maybe it was me that had landed, landed right into your hands. I never expected you to message me, text me, call me; relentlessly, almost religiously, everyday, there you were, making conversation. I blew you off, never expecting anything to come of it; anything to come of you. Days went by, weeks went on, and now it’s been years since that day we met on the sidewalk in the dark. Dark, but just enough light from the sunset to see your hair, your shoes, your smirk. The only time I had a photographic memory was when I was with you. But the day came when I needed you most, when I relied on you and solely you, and I felt myself ripped away. All conversations lost, all memories turned into faded, decade old polaroids. Where did you go? What were you thinking when you left me alone with nothing but a handle and a bottle of pills? Maybe you were just as surprised as I was when you realized I had moved on. Maybe you thought “Shit, I guess I didn’t fuck her over enough. I guess I didn’t break her heart into enough pieces. I guess I let her off to easy.” Truth be told, I surprised myself at the end of everyday when I lay in bed and realize that I had actually gone the entire day without thinking of you. That still counts, doesn’t it? Does it still count even though you’ve suckered me back into your life? Does it still count even though I’m still sitting here waiting for a text from you? Does it still count even though I’m writing this tangent to you on a site that you’ll never see? Truth be told, I miss the old days when it seemed that you were the one waiting for me to answer your messages or texts. But I’ve already told you that it’s going to be different this time around. I’m different this time around. My emotions haven’t changed, but the way I’ll let you handle them has. Don’t make me regret taking back what I said all those months ago. Don’t make me regret risking the trust that I’ve gained in the past year. I’ve come too far to let you mess this up. To let myself let you mess this up for me.

[fearing-freedom]

i want to take you outside and lay under the stars. you can be weird because you are weird. i want to curl up on the couch with you while we watch adventure time and the avengers. i want to go ice skating with you, but not mess it up this time. i want to be with you. i want to figure out why you liked me in the first place so that i could make sure i kept that up. i dont know why you dont like me the way you used to, but i miss it. if i could have it all back i would, but for now i know im just lucky that you were amazing enough to stay my friend. im even luckier that we became best friends all over again. i know youre still you, but youre different. and i know that im still me, but im different. you said you thought you werent good enough for me, but i dont think thats really the reason. i just want to figure out why you liked me and why you stopped because im still in love with you. i wasnt in love with you durring the short time that we went out, i fell in love with you after, when you became my bestfriend. and im sorry for that, but i cant help it.