A conversation in the Daily Planet cafeteria
“You know, I think we’ve been going at finding out Superman’s secret identity from the wrong angle.”
“You mean you’ve been going at it. I don’t care.”
“Look, just hear me out, okay? Superman is an alien, right?”
“Yeah, at least that’s what he’s said himself.”
“And he obviously has all kinds of weird alien powers, right?”
“Sure. Flying, super strength, x-ray vision…”
“Exactly. So what if he also has the power to… shapeshift?”
“Shapeshift? How would he…?”
“I don’t know, maybe some kind of weird alien biological thing? Or some kind of holographic super-tech?”
“All right, that doesn’t sound any more implausible than his other powers, I guess. But why do you think he can shapeshift?”
“Well, he’s always flying around without any mask on. His face is always bare for everyone to see. So if he has a secret identity, it would have to have a completely different face, right?”
“Hmm, that would make sense, actually. He couldn’t just… put on a suit and some glasses, I guess.”
“Exactly! But if he can shapeshift, he could look like anyone!”
“Wow, yeah, he could be any guy in Metropolis, for all we know.”
“Yes, any guy… or any girl.”
“Yeah! I mean, if he can alter the shape of his face, and the shape of his body, then why not? And what could be a better secret identity than that?”
“Fine, so he might be a girl. Or look like a girl, or whatever. But why do you think…?”
“Listen, which Daily Planet reporter is the most dedicated to finding out Superman’s secret identity?”
“You mean aside from yourself? Um, I guess… Lois Lane?”
“Yes. Lois Lane. She’s obsessed with Superman. She’s always coming up with far-fetched, ridiculous schemes to trick him into revealing his secret identity. But every time, she fails in some way. All these years, and she’s never come any closer to the truth. Don’t you think that it’s a little strange? Almost as if… it’s an act?”
“Wait, hold on, are you suggesting…?”
“…that Lois Lane… is Superman?”
“That’s my theory, at least. Superman decided that he needed a secret identity. Working at a newspaper would be an ideal way to get information about crimes and natural disasters to stop. And to throw off suspicion, he decided to be a reporter that is… obsessed with finding out Superman’s secret identity. Because who would ever suspect that person of actually being Superman herself?”
“Yeah, only a complete madman would think that.”
“Listen, there’s one big flaw in your theory, aside from it being about as far-fetched as any scheme Lois has cooked up over the years: Superman is always rescuing Lois Lane.”
“I’ve seen it myself. Remember that time Metallo attacked the Daily Planet and pushed her out a window? I saw Superman come flying and grabbing her out of the air, with my own eyes. And there’s plenty of articles about her investigating criminal organizations, or reporting on some earthquake, and getting herself into danger, and then Superman comes and saves her.”
“Articles written by Lois Lane herself.”
“Okay, fine, so Lois Lane made all those stories up to throw off suspicions. That still doesn’t change the fact that I, and you, have seen her being carried around in the sky by Superman. How do you explain that, genius?”
“If Superman has access to super-technology, he could…”
“He could build a robot replica of himself, and then change into Lois Lane, and set up a scenario where the robot ‘rescues’ her. Or maybe if he’s attacked while disguised as Lois, he has a… signal watch or something, that calls for the robot to save her, so he doesn’t have to reveal his real identity.”
“Jesus. I mean, if this was a… a 1960s comic book, I might believe that.”
“Look, some of the things you’ve suggested are interesting, but I think… Hold on, who’s coughing over at the other table…? Hey, Clark, are you okay there, buddy?”
“Uh, yeah, sorry. I just, um, got something caught in my throat.”
