#surgery thoughts

[traveledlight]

Walking Towards the Knife

I’m walking toward the knife,

a reminder of hospitals past—

my thoughts pacing

like the nurses

keeping me alive.

Tomorrow,

I will bleed.

Mortality steps into the room again,

pulling up a chair,

sitting too close.

But I know I’ll see you—

in the moments before I’m put to sleep.

You’ll be there,

a reprieve from my racing heart,

a calm I cling to

in my worst moments.

I’ll hear you in the haze,

medication curling through my brain,

whispering it’s going to be okay—

that I’ve got this—

in your voice,

that warm command

that makes fear flinch.

And I know

you’ll be waiting on the other side

to make sure I’m okay.

The thought alone

is anesthesia.

[becomingal3x]

Top Surgery

Top surgery in 2 days. The excitement is starting to get real, even though the General worry about surgery is still there. I can't wait to: - wear tshirts more - learn to swim (comfortably) - be able to go to sleepovers and not stress about taking off my binder - not have to have my binder scrunch up all the time if I move to much - flat - really start working out without stressing about exercising while in a binder - less layers - just wake up in the morning and throw a shirt on and go out - bring in the trash cans without having to get a binder on first - stop wearing a big hoodie around the house cause I don't bind there - tuck in shirts comfortably - tank tops - tattoos on my torso - maybe a spray tan eventually??? - can go sky diving without worrying about the binder - roller coasters will be more comfy - look in the mirror better - be happier - less stress about 2 am fire drills at college - less stress about dorm life period - less stress - etc etc etc

[topsurgeryrecovery]

Some hospital tips

This is the third time I've had some type of surgery, so I thought I'd share a few tips for getting through anesthesia: 1) Be honest about your health and habits with the medical team. They are not gonna care if you smoke or whatever, but it's incredibly important they know of anything that can cause complications. 2) If you need something to make you comfortable, ASK. Here's things I regularly ask for: * Anti-anxiety meds before going into the operation room. (This is usually standard, but not always. Just ask!) * That the IV never go in my hand. * Extra blanket when I wake up, preferably heated. * That I wake up in a reclining position and with my knees up. * For a little understanding that I might fight when I wake up. (Bless the nurse who had to struggle to put my knees up.) * A barf bag. * Water. I also ask random questions about machines, medicine, etc. When I was getting prepped in the operating room, asking "what's this?" and "what is that for?" helped me stay calm. Going UNDER isn't bad -- when you start to get groggy, you will not care, and then suddenly, you are asleep. Waking up is a little tougher (not nearly as bad when I had scalp surgeries 25 years ago) and reactions will vary. If you think you need something special when you wake up, just ask! Even something like a stuffed animal or music can probably be brought up pretty quickly for you by your caretaker. They want you out of recovery as quickly as possible, anyway. ;)

[becomingal3x]

1 Week Post Op

Had my first shower since surgery, and while it was terrifying for the nips it felt great overall. Little tough to wash under my arms and my hair, but I managed well enough. Took longer then usual though unfortunately. I made a separate post ranting about my surgical binder if anyone wants to read it. It got to long to be put here. In short I hate the thing with a burning anxiety-dysphoria filled passion. I'm gonna drop a class at uni because if involves a lot of movement. I'd have trouble with it while healing so since it's offered every semester I'll just push it off till later. Plus I'm really not fond of taking acting so like no biggie. I get tired sometimes during the day, but I refrain from napping. I can't wait to sleep in my bed again. Nipples are looking better than yesterday already. Might just be my optimism though. The right one definitely looks better then the left but I'm sure they'll catch up to one another eventually. I'm changing dressings twice a day now which isn't terrible. I usually give them a few minutes of air too. I miss going to the gym, but not to much luckily. Once in cleared for exercise I'll go to the one at school and start gentle. Maybe I'll focus on legs for a while and work the chest up slowly. I'm going to get some scar strips and cream to try and help make them fade and stay smooth. My right scar again looks better then the left. They're starting to bruise some, but that's normal. Tomorrow I'm 5 months on T so expect an update on that too.

[becomingal3x]

The nerves are setting in for top surgery in 8 hours. Gotta try and sleep but I have to wake up at 3 am to shower and leave so hopefully it goes well 🤞 It's strange. Almost surreal. Like, I'm so used to them /being/ there that it's strange to picture the weight not on my chest, or seeing such a sudden change in the mirror. Idk. I'm not going to regret top surgery for sure, but it'll still take some mental getting used too on my part.

[uisce-portaigh]

.

It’s hard taking care of yourself. I need to care for my body. I need to go through something awful to heal my body. After I’ve just begun sorting out the pieces from the last surgery. I have time to prepare this go around— last time I only had about 18 hours notice. But I’m not so sure this much time is actually making things any easier. It’s just time for me to think about all the moving pieces, all the different things that need to fall into place for everything to be ok. It’s all just a lot. It’s a lot to have a body, a family, a community, support, to feel held, to feel violated, to feel isolated while surrounded by people because no matter what, at the end of the day, nobody else is going into surgery with me and it’s just me coming out.

Idk. Gesturing vaguely at the concepts of all of these things to document that I’m feeling stretched pretty damn thin here.

[branches-and-thorns]

So one of the weirdest things I didn’t expect about figuring out walking post-surgery is that it’s actually easier to walk if I put my crutch behind me? Like the issue with walking is lifting my left leg and therefore putting pressure on my right leg and my body often won’t. (Even tho it’s fine my body is just. Bad.) and it’s easier to get it to do it if I have the crutch behind me?? Even tho that’s not supporting it properly??

[werevulvi]

Surgery woes, ranting, venting...

I'm not ready to say this on facebook yet, cause with my current indecisiveness I might change my mind on it again and keep going back and forth for a while, and my dithering might confuse or worry some of my friends on fb. So I'd rather wait with that kind of announcement there when I actually know for sure where I stand on this matter. So this is more of a vent than an announcement. For anyone here who knows me on both sites. Tumblr is for venting, facebook is for announcing relevant stuff. Kind of.

But anyhow. I have been planning to get lower surgery (SRS) as part of my gender/sex transition and have been on a surgeon's waiting list for a good bunch of months now, and I was sure all that time of booking appointments, having consultations and dealing with practical issues around it, etc which all started a little over a year ago. I knew that I wanted it and I was sure, but for the past 2 months I've been having doubts about going through with it.

I still have dysphoria about my female parts, but I also have a certain fondness for them. Especially the pleasure they can bring me. I've been very ambivalent about it, and holding contradicting opinions at the same time towards it. But when I've thought more deeply about having surgery and what it would mean for my future and sex life, my gut feeling has been starting to all the more loudly scream "no" to surgery. I don't understand most of my emotions as well anymore, or know how to interpret them, but that particular one has been very clear like a deafening alarm being set off.

I don't dare to ignore that anymore. It could mean that me having the surgery could be making a huge mistake, and that's the last thing I'd want cause it's very irreversible. But at the same time I don't know if I can trust my gut feeling, cause it tends to be wrong as much as it tends to be right. At this point I'm still somewhat unsure, but leaning towards canceling surgery. If not else, cause when being uncertain it would be wise to not go through with it, as in a "better safe than eternally sorry" kind of approach.

My new perspective on this is both giving me some sense of relief over coming to some kind of peace with that part of my body; and anxiety over not knowing what's the right decision or how to shape my future positively. Cause my p*ssy is both a burden and a source of pleasure for me, so it's very much a double-sided coin. And I don't think there is an easy solution, but I'm sure there are numerous ways to make it better. Now I'm trying to figure out, yet again, if I can in some capacity live "happily ever after" as a man with a p*ssy and not have surgery, or if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I'm very frustrated over this, but do keep my chin up. No need to worry about me. Worst thing I might do is getting a little drunk and rant online. I try to motivate myself enough to go swimming, but those damn opening hours don't agree with my sleep pattern... I'll figure things out somehow, I hope. But a swim would be nice, to hopefully ease some of these tensions. At least temporarily. I've still got some time to decide, but there might just be a couple of weeks left until I'll get a date set for surgery, and by then I kinda need to know what to do.