“I don’t want to not tell you that anymore.”
jeonghan x reader genre: fluff; angst word count: 4.1K
a/n: Hi lovelies! Here is the long overdue part 2 of “I know, but don’t say it.” It’s been a few weeks since the events of “I know, but don’t say it” and Jeonghan has been doing some thinking and is ready to take some action. I know 4,000 words is a bit long but I hope it’s worth the read. Thanks for waiting for this, thanks for reading, and I hope you all enjoy :))
p.s. In this fic you can decide for yourself if you want Jeonghan to be an idol or not- I mention that he travels for work and has busy schedules but I never explicitly state what he does so it’s up to you! <3
Heart beating twice as fast as when you walked into the corner store, your eyes studied the brightly packaged snack foods that lined the checkout lane. You had a strategy, or a plan, rather: if you stared into the varieties of gum and treats with deep interest instead of looking forward in the direction of him then he simply wouldn’t notice you.
Isn’t it strange how someone can be so familiar in one environment, and with a change in setting they can suddenly become so foreign? Like seeing your teacher inside a café when you’re thirteen years old, the distance from the classroom making it feel as though you’ve never actually met this person.
Inside the walls of your apartment, between your bedsheets, you knew Jeonghan very well. Deeply. Intimately. You even knew him at gatherings amongst your mutual friends. That was where you met, after all; friends of friends. As much as you wanted to know him in every environment, the nature of your relationship simply didn’t allow for that. He didn’t allow for that.
Just last week he watched fondly as you made grilled cheese for you both and served it on your old Mickey Mouse shaped plates, which Jeonghan didn’t miss the opportunity to poke fun at. “I’ve had them since I was a kid, you jerk,” you had defended yourself through an amused smile. And yet, spotting him two people ahead of you in the checkout line was so unfamiliar it felt as though you two could be strangers. Your heart was aching with anxiety, and perhaps with longing that you weren’t ready to address. Questions ran through your mind as you scrambled to figure out how to handle the predicament, and you wished there was some sort of handbook for navigating a very public run in with your friend with benefits. What was the protocol for running into your fuck buddy out in the wild?
And why was it so nerve wracking to see him like this? Was it simply the unfamiliarity? Or was it seeing him live the life you weren’t part of? Of course you knew he lived a whole life outside your apartment walls. Every time he left, he shut the door behind him, effectively shutting you out of his world. Seeing him now gave you a glimpse of that world; perfectly mundane and real. Suddenly, there he was, charming as ever as he flashed a sweet smile at the cashier. You were jealous that someone else got his public smiles.
Despite your attempt to avert your eyes in hopes he wouldn’t notice you, pulling your gaze away from Jeonghan turned out to be quite the challenge. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to you, considering you couldn’t help but observe him as he dozed off against your pillows each night he came over. He was beautiful and enigmatic, making him an attractive and enticing mystery that you were always trying to figure out. You peered over the person in front of you and watched as he placed his card back inside the wallet sleeve. Such a mundane action but you were fascinated by the movements of his fingers. Your focus was so fixed on his hands and delicate wrists that you didn’t notice Jeonghan looking down the line casually. Glancing back up at his face, you found his eyes on you as realization hit his features before you could divert your attention elsewhere. Your jaw dropped open slightly as his eyes widened with surprise. You wondered if he was also confused as to how to handle the situation.
It was him, after all, keeping you separate from these moments of his life. It was complex because he made it so. Jeonghan had been betrayed in the past, and with his frequent trips abroad for work and his busy schedules even when he was home, he was resistant to committing. Those were the excuses he used, at least. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t questioned whether he was just avoidant of committing to you, specifically.
As you both stared at each other, a small part of you hoped he’d wave your way quickly before exiting the store. A bigger part of yourself called that smaller part of you a fucking liar because if he left without addressing you, you’d be crushed. A faint smile appeared on his mouth as he waved cutely at you. You nodded your head at him coolly, biting back a smile that had to have been beyond obvious judging from the way he chuckled at you.
Instead of leaving the store with his single bag, he backed away without pulling his gaze from you and crossed his arms over his abdomen and just… waited. He waited for the person ahead of you to finish buying their items, and when it was your turn to check out, Jeonghan shrugged at you as if to say, what are the chances? And then he stepped toward you slowly, a small smile curving on his lips once more.
“Well hello,” he whispered to you, leaning toward your ear as though the greeting was a secret. There was an edge of familiarity in his voice, despite the unfamiliar circumstance, your clandestine affair clashing under the grocery store’s fluorescent lights.
“Hi,” you smiled, a bit awkwardly, still unsure how to handle the situation. However, he didn’t seem to carry the same nervousness, the man reaching for a couple of your bags. “No, no, that’s ok, I can carry them,” you tried to refuse his help.
Jeonghan sighed before speaking your name with a smile, amusement in his breath. Smirking at him, you pulled a few of your bags off the counter. “I’m stronger than I look,” you teased, an attempt to find some comfortability. Eyes scanning his delicate features, you found yourself suppressing your desire to kiss the man like you wanted to. Like he was very much not a stranger, because he wasn’t.
“You don’t look so weak,” he tilted his head in a flirty manner, his eyes traveling along your stature as he flashed you a cheeky smile. It was the kind of smile that said, I’ve kissed up and down those arms, and suddenly you were transported back to being in your bed last week, the last time you saw him, when he did just that. It was before he got up to make you both grilled cheese sandwiches, and he was lying next to you, trailing his lips along your upper arm, complimenting how beautiful you were, his eyes heavy with sleep. The way he watched you made it seem as though he was lost in the memory too, and you wondered if he wanted to kiss you in this store too. This man, a non-stranger despite the unlabeled relationship, knows you—even in the new setting. “Just let me help anyway.”
“Fine,” you relented, nervously watching him as he scooped the groceries up and you both started leaving the store. Together. “So, this is unexpected, huh?”
“I was thinking more like a pleasant surprise,” he grinned. “I like seeing you out like this.”
Stealing a glance at him, you found him watching you with a small smile on his face as you walked down the sidewalk in the direction of your apartment. He had a key to your door, you thought. Yet you were being so awkward. “What, at the grocery store?” You asked, lifting your eyebrows in question.
“Outside those four walls,” he spoke quietly through a smirk. Your lips twitched slightly, despite your fight to keep the smile off your face, but you were sure he noticed anyway. There was a piece of you who found his comments so cruel, so careless, as though he was either oblivious of your feelings (which was doubtful-or really, impossible) or he simply didn’t care about toying with them. He used to be cautious, watching his words, holding certain feelings back. You used to wish he would stop being so controlled, but now you were realizing that Jeonghan speaking and acting more freely was a double-edged sword. “If I had known you needed some groceries I would have picked them up on my way over.”
“Oh, so you were on your way over?” You questioned with a scoff, but not without obvious amusement. “This is news to me.”
“I could have been,” he smiled mischievously. Speaking with Jeonghan sometimes was like communicating through riddles. There was often a second meaning to the things he said, and you were left trying to decipher them. “Or we could have gone shopping together.” So careless.
As you walked the short distance to your apartment, you allowed your mind to conjure up a scenario in which you were shopping with Jeonghan. You could picture him grabbing an extra container of ramen with the justification of, “I know you get hungry late at night.” Jeonghan knew these things about you.
You chose not to respond to Jeonghan’s comment. The idea of doing normal mundane things with him was exciting to you, as well as painful when you remembered that the terms of your situationship didn’t include picking out fruit together. You didn’t want to let him in on either of those feelings.
“Are you going to carry those bags all the way up to my apartment?” You asked him when you arrived outside the complex.
“Of course, I’m a gentleman,” he told you, flashing a flirty grin.
“That’s not the first word I’d use to describe you,” you teased him, watching as he widened his eyes playfully.
“Whoah, are you finally loosening up?” He asked, his voice light with surprise as he poked fun at the tense and awkward demeanor you sported since spotting each other in the market.
“No,” you said stubbornly, “But I can get this. Really,” you nodded at the bags.
“Hey, just let me help you,” he said more seriously. “It’s the least I can do,” he added, and you felt it was another one of those double-meaning comments.
“Your key or mine?” Jeonghan teased you when you approached your front door, making you shoot him a glare as the metal jingled in your hand.
“That’s strictly for when I don’t want to get out of bed to come let you in,” you joked as you pushed your door open and stepped inside, Jeonghan giggling as he followed behind you.
Setting your gaze on him as you both kicked off your shoes, you exhaled slowly, suddenly feeling much more relaxed. As though any remaining anxiety over your surprise run in with the man melted from your frame the moment you entered the familiar space. This was how you knew Jeonghan. You knew how to handle him here.
He lifted his eyes from the floor and caught you staring at him, though before he could question you on it, you nodded at the bags in his hand. “You can just bring those in here,” you told him, starting toward the kitchen.
When he set the bags down on the counter, he instantly began sifting through them, pulling out items and navigating your kitchen to put them away. The various snacks went in the cupboard next to the refrigerator, and when you opened your mouth to tell them, you quickly closed it again because he already knew. Of course he did. He knew this kitchen.
“Hey, you shouldn’t have bought these,” he held up the package of cookies before placing it into the shelf.
Smiling at it, you raised your eyebrows in an accusatory way. “But you finished them all last week.”
“Exactly,” he giggled cutely. “That’s why I bought them for you.” Jeonghan reached into his own grocery bag and pulled out the same cookies.
“Oh,” you grinned, walking over to him and grabbing the package out of his hands. “Now we have extras.” We. A slip of the tongue. But at the same time, there was a we. And it was becoming increasingly difficult to stop yourself from grouping the both of you together as a unit.
The carelessness that had developed between you both over the past several hangouts was only complicating things further, and your relief from entering the apartment started being replaced by irritation. We statements, buying snack foods for each other, flirty whispers in public, the spare apartment keys, the near confession of truth while tangled up in sheets a few weeks ago; it was all becoming too much. You wanted it all. And the more you got it, the harder it was to watch him leave again.
Jeonghan lifted his hand and settled it on your hip. The touch, despite being welcome, fuck it was so welcome, seared into your skin and shot a pain to your heart. You wanted more from him. And you didn’t know how long you could keep yourself from asking for it. Once you did that, asked for it, you would either get everything you’d been wanting or you’d have to walk away from all of this. The course of your relationship would hit a fork, leading to two different fates.
“Hannie,” you sighed, glancing down at his forearm, trailing your eyes toward his hand that was gripping your hip and pulling you closer. “What are you doing in my neighborhood?”
“I told you,” he spoke gently.
“You were coming to see me?” You clarified, doubtfully. “Be for real.”
“I was actually,” he told you as his tone became much more earnest and serious. “I wanted to talk.” Your gaze scanned his features, studying, trying to figure out his expression. “The cookies were my excuse.”
Scoffing, you shrugged at him in frustration. At him for coming over like this. At yourself for feeling happy about it. You were annoyed by his lack of commitment because this thing between you both could be so great if only he’d let it be. “What are we doing?” You asked, helpless as your shoulders slumped slightly.
“We’re talking,” he told you, his eyes full of emotion and concern at your crumbling stature.
“No, you know what I mean,” you corrected, taking a step back so his hand fell slack against his side. “Look, I know you don’t trust easily, I know that commitment is scary-” you paused for fear that the tears stinging your eyes would slip down your cheeks. “Your hurt from the past isn’t my doing.”
“I know that,” he acknowledged somberly.
“But you’ve been holding it against me,” you told him sadly. “I know you were hurt, I know it was awful and I’m so sorry that happened to you, but you’re letting someone else’s actions hurt both of us now.” His ex had been unfaithful while Jeonghan was away in another country, his busy work schedules keeping him away for too long. Its effect on Jeonghan manifested in a resistance to commit, but it wasn’t simply because he was scared of being hurt again. Jeonghan was away and busy more often than the average person due to the circumstances of his job, and he believed this to be a killer in relationships. During one of your first nights together, he had admitted that he didn’t think it was fair for him to dedicate himself to others because his partner would ultimately deserve more than he was able to provide. “I can’t really give enough. And if someone is willing to tolerate my life and put up with all the time apart, then they’re probably too good for me,” he had told you early on in your affair. The comment had broken your heart then, and it only became more heartbreaking the closer you got to him. He deserved someone to choose him. And you were trying to.
“I know,” he again accepted his fault, almost too easily. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry, but I can’t carry your past on my back like that anymore,” you shook your head, feeling the first tear fall onto the apple of your cheek. You quickly wiped it away, watching as Jeonghan took a step forward before stopping himself. “I can’t. Not if you’re not going to give me access to your present and future.”
“I don’t want you to carry it,” he shook his head, his frustration with himself coming through in the way he tensed his jaw. “I-” he sighed, giving up on his words as he stared at you, disappointment in himself taking over his gaze.
“Seeing you today- it struck me that you have a whole life that I’m not a part of.” Your bottom lip trembled as you spoke, more tears gathering on your lash line. “And then you say that shit about going to the store together and how am I supposed to hear that and then not want it? I want the responsibilities with you, I want the routines, I want the mundane-”
“I want it too,” he blurted out, panic overtaking his features, the words knocking the air from your lungs. The reality of losing you, and of losing him came crashing into your minds, resulting in a moment of long overdue honesty. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for doing this to us for so long.”
Shaking your head in frustration, Jeonghan opened his mouth to speak again, desperation written in his voice and his rounded eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“We deserve better than this,” you told him sternly, a quiver in your voice. “What she did shouldn’t keep us from being happy, Hannie.”
Jeonghan took another step forward, tentative as he watched how you responded to him. When you didn’t back away, he came a bit closer so he was standing directly in front of you within arms length.
“I can’t take back the way I’ve been treating you,” he frowned. “But I need you to believe me when I say I want you to have my present and future.”
“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it,” you interrupted, giving him one last chance to back out and take it all back. You couldn’t hear these words from him if they weren’t sincere.
“I mean it,” he assured you, his eyes staring deep into yours as he tried to relay his candor. He reached his hand out for yours, waiting for an ok for him to take it. Was it ok?
“Wanting something and allowing yourself to have it are different things,” you pointed out, Jeonghan nodding quickly as though he knew what you meant. Glancing down at his hand, you sighed before pushing yours forward slightly and letting your fingers brush against his own. He quickly wrapped your digits up with his own.
“I came over here to talk to you,” he circled back to the intent behind his trip to your apartment. “I’ve been trying to figure out what to say for the past week, or really month, and- can I just get this out?” You took a beat, your eyes roaming over his face before you nodded. He sighed in relief, gathering his composure a bit by standing up taller and broadening his shoulders. “I don’t want you to think I’m doing this rashly. It’s not spur of the moment, I’ve been feeling this way for a long time and I apologize for the time it’s taken me to get to this point,” he started, your eyes pulling into a focused stare.
“I love you,” he said simply, his voice light but serious. Those three words, the ones you both had felt but left unspoken for far too long, sent a jolt of shock and electricity through your body. Your heart picked up speed as you stared into his pretty features, so stunning and striking. “I’m tired of pretending I don’t, and I don’t want to not tell you that anymore. That night we were in bed, a few weeks ago, I wanted to tell you so fucking bad, angel. I want to say what I feel towards you.”
“Jeonghan,” you whispered, the man shaking his head.
“I love you,” he said again. “I have for a long time.” You felt another tear slide down your cheek and Jeonghan squeezed your hand in response before a humorless laugh escaped his lips. “I came here intending to tell you this before any tears fell but-”
“You love me.” You finally spoke, the air returning to your lungs. His confession wasn’t news to you. You had both been in love for the better portion of your affair, but hearing the words leave his mouth marked something special. A possible new phase in your relationship. One where you both could take the risk and love each other openly, and finally commit to each other. You had met the split in the road, and he was choosing the path where a future for you and him together existed.
“I love you,” he said again, as though he couldn’t get enough of saying it now that he finally spoke them. You wondered if the words tasted like he had been sucking on a sugar cube, coating his tongue with sweetness.
“So- wait- fuck, I-” you stuttered, your thoughts floating aimlessly in your mind, being replaced with feelings of love. “What do you want then, Jeonghan?” You finally got out, searching his expression for hints that this was really happening and it wasn’t some fucked up dream.
“So much,” he gave a single breathy laugh, brushing his thumb over the side of your hand. “But really, so little. I want to walk through this door and be able to tell you I love you. I want to sleep in that bed with you for an entire night instead of leaving like an idiot. I want to kiss you when we leave for work in the morning. I want a little drawer in your bathroom and bedroom for my stuff, and I know you have a lot of shit but I want it anyway,” he interjected, a smile finally cracking through your expression as you shook your head at him in fond disbelief. “And I want the same for your things at my place. I want to go grocery shopping with you and I want to meet each other’s families, I want to tell our friends about us. I want to call you when I’m on the road and tell you I miss you, because I love you. And it sucks being away from the ones you love.”
“You’re rambling,” you giggled, lifting your hand that wasn’t held by his toward him, only to discover the cookies were still in your grasp. Rolling your eyes at the package, you set it down on the counter.
“I want to eat those with you too,” he added, nodding at the package as he wore a sweet smile.
“Are you going to allow yourself to have these things though? Like, really?” You questioned him. You wanted to believe him. And you would if he let you. You’d take his word as truth, he just had to speak them and act.
“Yes. I want you, and I want us together,” he told you. “I’m in,” he let out a breath of disbelief that he finally said it, and relief because he finally said it. “And I hope you are too.”
“Ok,” you simply said, hiding the absolute glee you felt in favor of seeing that glare overtake his features. You smiled at him as he shook his head playfully at you.
“Ok?” He smirked, cocking his head to the side. “That’s it?”
“Well I’m not going to deny you of what you want,” you beamed, watching as Jeonghan’s smirk morphed into a happy grin despite the scoff escaping his lips.
“Angel, don’t play with me right now.”
“But it’s so fun,” you whispered teasingly as he tugged you toward him. Your hand finally raised to cradle his jaw and guided his face to yours, kissing him hard. You’d kissed Jeonghan many times since, but this meeting was something different. Electricity zipped through your frame, making you push yourself further against him until there was no room left between you both. His lips worked against yours with fervor, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip as you moaned against his mouth. And yet, the smiles you both wore made it difficult to keep up your pace, both of you too happy to conceal it.
All too soon, he pulled away with quickened breath. “Do you want all of that too?” He whispered against your lips, both of your mouths, once again, forming into grins against each other’s.
“You know I do,” you replied genuinely. “I love you, Hannie.”
“Say it again,” he grinned, his lips just barely grazing over yours, his eyelids fluttering open as he pulled away to peer at your features.
Sighing jokingly, your hand slid to the back of his neck to toy with the strands of hair that rested against his skin. “I love you,” you told him again with a soft smile. “And I want you, and I want us.”
