I don’t really know how to explain the repetition cycle that happens in my head. I feel as though my brain is physically deteriorating year by year(probably from smoking and bashing it against walls) and it’s come to a point where it is VERY obvious I cannot be without medication or I am subjected to severe delusions/disassociation/psychosis. This last time really opened my eyes as to how far the mind is willing to convince me things that are not real, are real. My irl family was begging me to get help because I believed they were conspiring against me. Now I see, I just keep falling for the same trap.
I want to feel happy, my brain thinks medication takes away my happiness. Really it doesn’t, it takes away the imaginary fog I drown myself in, where it’s okay to do and say horrible things because the fog says consequences are for fakes, normies and shitbags. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up in jail next time because I no longer square my rage up in little fandoms or comics. It’s fully bled into every aspect of my reality and I’ve lost so many good jobs and friends, simply from not taking my meds or utilizing healthy coping skills. What’s worse is I get them completely free right now and I STILL have to make myself take them. The 2-3 weeks of extreme euphoria is just not worth losing the months of consistent stability I keep rebuilding over and over again.
This last time I was out of it, I didn’t have internet or any devices (still don’t have a phone/have to use hotspot) and I just started reading JtHM again. Armageddon is more than just a fan comic to me. I keep coming back to it because I can fundamentally see the connection to this story and my past trauma. I still want to finish it one day, for my childhood self- who created it in turmoil. It is for no one else but me and I keep restarting it because the fandom causes me to fly off the rails with new ideas/concepts, which is nobody’s fault and really fun sometimes, but it always changes what the story is actually about.
I don’t fully intend to continue it right now, but I have condensed it to a much more realistic timeline/story and I wanted to do some pages to see if I can finally capture the feeling I want so badly to see. This page is very close, but there’s quite a few flaws I’ve already spotted. I’m working on a different page right now, hopefully this one is even closer. If I’m satisfied, I’ll just keep making them. There’s only 10 pages for each issue now and I’m still writing the script but I’m not rushing and just going at my own pace and also writing for my other comics. This is technically page one, again I’m not totally satisfied with it but it’ll do I think.
I don’t want to bother anyone with my presence in the tags again so I’ll just post this one page and the rest will be on my blog under #jthmaau. Thanks for readin’
