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My Bi Identity Journey

So this is my first time doing one of these Bi Talks topics, and I'm sorry if this is kind of late and I ramble a little too much.

When was the first time you questioned your sexuality? What prompted it?

I think it was around the time I was fifteen or sixteen, probably. I always knew I liked boys, but I think that was the first time I ever really thought about girls that way. I know a lot of people know from a much younger age, but I guess I'm a bit of a late bloomer. I remember really liking my tenth grade world history teacher, although at the time, I couldn't tell if it was because I admired her as a teacher or because I was actually attracted to her in a different way, because I had not really ever thought in those terms before. The next year, I also remember I was watching Hellsing, and I really liked Integra, although the first episode or two, I thought she was a man, since everyone referred to her as "Sir" and there are an awful lot of very pretty men running around in anime, so I was already used to that. However, I remember when I found out she was a woman, I found myself even more attracted to her than I was before which, as silly as it sounds, was one of the things that led me to start to question my sexuality, although I didn't think too hard about it at first. Mostly, I just spent the next few years watching Takarazuka (Which mostly just confused me even more, since it's an all female troupe with ladies aiming to portray the "perfect man," so trying to figure out whether I was viewing them as ladies or as the "ideal man" messed with my head for a little while) and browsing lesbian media websites like AfterEllen and Autostraddle. It took me a while to figure out whether I was attracted to girls or just attracted to the idea of liking girls, which brings me to the next part.

What were the defining moment(s) of your journey? Did you have any support from someone? Share some nice stories with us, please :)

Ah yes, everything changed for me sophomore year of college when the fire nation attacked. Really what ended up happening is I figured out that I had a crush on one of my best friends. Up until that point, this all felt very theoretical to me. Figuring out that I had feelings for her kind of solidified it for me, that this was a concrete thing that was happening in real life, not just with some ladies in tuxedos on my laptop. I remember the "aha" moment happened while I was taking a walk on a snowy night in the middle of January by myself, and that's when I kind of sorted out my feelings and came out to myself. It still took a little while to come out to any of my friends, and it kind of slipped out almost by accident. I remember hanging out with some friends and someone said they were questioning their sexuality, and I half-jokingly said "me too" and high fived over it, but a very literal minded friend took it more seriously than I was expecting and pressed me about it, which was how I came out the first time. Actually, most of my coming out stories have been pretty accidental and anti-climactic. I'm really bad at figuring out how to bring it up.

Anyway, I guess the other part of this story is kind of nice, in its own way. So back to my friend I had the crush on, I still hadn't told her for a while. The breaking point happened one night when I had a dream that I told her how I felt, and she was cool with it, although that's about as far as it went. So I took it as a sign that I needed to say something, because my dreams are almost never that literal. So I ended up telling her about my dream at breakfast, and my other best friend pressed and asked me if I really did have feelings for her, and I said yes, which I think made things very awkward for my crush. I already knew ahead of time that there was no way she was going to return my feelings, but it was a relief to tell her because I didn't want to feel like I was lying to her. I was mostly just worried that telling her would distance her from me, but she was cool about it, and to this day she's still one of my best friends.

What, if any, other identities you considered before your current one(s)?

Well, I thought I was straight when I was very young, until the liking girls thing came into play. I do think a few of my friends in college thought I was a lesbian for a while, although I never really thought that about myself. It's not as if I had a ton of crushes in general, and I'm mostly pretty quiet about it unless it's serious. I guess the pansexual label works too, although I've always found the separation between bisexuality and pansexuality to be kind of nebulous, because I can't think of a real situation I've encountered where the "difference" between the two has mattered in any practical application. So I guess identify as both, it just depends who I'm talking to and what lingo they're familiar or comfortable with because it doesn't really matter to me.

How figuring other parts of your identities related to figuring out your bisexuality?

I think it did kind of lead to me also questioning my gender identity for a bit. Part of that I think actually came from my ex questioning my gender identity, but I think that was more of a projection on their part, since they're genderfluid and were still working out things with their own gender, but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm a cis lady who likes to feel handsome sometimes.

If you’re in the middle of your journey and are still figuring yourself out, where are you at right now? What things are troubling you? What are the part(s) that you’re sure about?

Mostly I guess I'm trying to figure out how to be out. As I mentioned, I'm really bad at bringing up my sexuality in general. My immediate family and close friends know, but it just doesn't seem relevant most of the time to bring it up with anyone else. (And even then, I barely bring it up with my family.) It's not that I mind people knowing, but there never seems to be any reason to bring it up, and it gets kind of frustrating sometimes.

#bitalks #tako time

Changed my theme for the first time in ages, wooooo!~ So we're going to be Nana for a little while because I'm a little obsessed right now. Discovering fandoms ten years late is my specialty.

#tako time #nana #if i'm feeling adventurous i might even make an about me page