Co-workers have often lived vicariously through me, it’s a bit of wistfulness for a loss of freedom but mostly it provides them security that they made the correct choice to have a stable life. When I was asked about my last weekend I gave the following embittered answer;
I went to a book store, later I walked in a park.
That was it. There was no story, there was zero chaos, no mammoth bar bill. I knew where my wallet and phone and person were the entire time. My weekend plans now are to watch pretentious movies on the Criterion app.
It’s kinda boring isn’t it? You work, you go home and sometimes you get to stay home for longer.
I found a new, cool bar that serves $5 cocktails on tap that I won’t being going to for a long time.
Day 2
I worked from home and took edibles, watched El Chapo, those guys were drinking the whole damn time.
Day 3
I fantasized about crashing a plane into the CN Tower.
Day 4
Two drinking buddy co-workers berate me for taking time off drinking, they are not wrong. At lunch I go to a Irish Pub and start sweating. Ordered a Ginger Ale. Booze is free at 3pm at work today, I am pounding water. There is a Texas Mickey that is unguarded and available at all times, that bottle incessantly taunts me.
Day 7
I went to a local book store, that is the entire story of my weekend.
Day 9
I swear while brushing my teeth this morning the toothpaste tasted of falernum.
Day Something?
I can no longer delineate dates, all days are the same. Before there was a rhythm to my life. Monday and Tuesday I felt awful, Wednesday I assume is how normal people feel. Thursday I would be primed, Friday hungover and little wiser but ready to drink at lunch. Saturday was a bacchanalia and Sunday an echo of Saturday. Sober now there is just drudgery, I feel the same each day and each day is the same. Every morning I wake up in the place I intended knowing the location of my wallet. There are no clues to find, there are no hints of a secret life found in bank statements and my phone camera. Everything is perfectly in place, there are no adventures or mysteries there is just the deliberate march of time moving forwards orderly in identical increments.
Day 15
I broke a water glass at my desk at work. The co-worker who sits next to me quipped, “you weren’t clumsy when you were drinking.” She is right.
Day 16
I bought and consumed an entire bag of wine gums.
Day 17
Friday is the cruelest month. Ginger Ale again at the Irish Pub.
Day 18
I skipped two parties and two groups visiting the Tiki Bar.
Day 19
I took shrooms all day, it was fun. You need to vacation from your own consciousness one way or other. Ideally a fun way. Shrooms are super fun but it was very difficult to not pour myself a gigantic glass of rum while coming down to enjoy the sensation.
Day 20
Why?
Day 21
I accidentally posted a tweet from the company account telling quite a few of Toronto’s politicians and businesses to go fuck themselves for being ignorant morons. 4 people in the company noticed, a drinking buddy here was able to help undo everything and I escaped being reprimanded.
Day Booze Eid al-Fitr
I have been making ice all month in preparation. Booze has been stockpiled, I did laundry. Essentially my teetotaler self is a millennial to my drunken baby boomer, the baby boomer consumes all the resources the millennial provides while smirking in a superior fashion looking down upon their benefactor for being so pitiful, so easily abused and so buttoned up.
The amount of money I saved is basically all my money. There is almost zero spending without booze. I easily paid $2200 for a destination wedding I have been summed to this April (screams into pillow). I think I am spending roughly $350 a week on drinking which seems high.
My first drink back will be a Dark N Stormy at this Bangarang Bar for a work event. The second will be a Mezcal Margarita. A normal person would be concerned about at open bar work party with a drastically reduced tolerance but I am not. Today feels like my own St. Patrick’s Day, I woke up this morning hopeful for the future for the first time this year.
I’m in another clean and dry phase. Two days down and two weeks left of mostly raw foods and no drinking. I’m trying to do this once a quarter as a way to focus though this is the longest version I’ve committed to and I’d be lying if I didn’t cop to finding it intimidating. I have two outs for 16 days but they’re later in the process and in the meantime it’s a test of discipline that’s never come naturally to me.
For as long as I can remember, what I get to eat next represents the highlight reel of my day. I’m not so much trying to train that out completely, but it’s an interesting challenge to find ways to keep myself busy and social without resorting to something decadent. Decadence being a personality trait lately.
What I want to avoid is feeling guilty when this period is up and I bake again. I love making things and I have no desire to sell anyone on vegan ice cream or pie crust. I’m still an appetite-driven tourist, I just need to find a way to do it that doesn’t put my body or long-term health on the line.
That means finding rewards that aren’t edible or drinkable--new for me. Going to the movies, a yoga class with a friend, a trip to the bigger farmers market (food but not necessarily the gut-busting variety). Trying to turn a walk into the reward itself. I’ve tended to do a lot of shopping when I’m cutting back and I’m trying to avoid that as well or ensuring it’s purposeful, not just anxiety.
Even writing this, I’m aware that the whole thing is so incredibly boring. There’s nothing more inane than someone laying bare their food insecurities and diet patterns. But I need to write this down in a place I can find it later and some of you may have good ideas for getting the mental part in hand. So I’ll apologize but I’ll ask for help anyway. What do you have for me?
You know you live in the Bible Belt when your town has a music festival and then the masses take to Facebook to bitch about the presence of alcohol.
It was a highly publicised festival. IN A WET CITY. Our town had a wet/dry referendum at least twice before we went wet. Yes, that means that it was held to popular vote whether or not we could sell alcohol in our city. I explain this because this is (usually) a completely foreign concept to the rest of the country and the world. Before the vote, it was a madhouse around here. Church signs said VOTE FOR JESUS, VOTE NO TO ALCOHOL. Teetotalers gave the excuse that it would increase drunk driving. I mean, anyone who wanted alcohol could simply drive five miles to the top of the mountain and purchase it, and that city would get the revenue. Also, it took us going wet in order for us to have any decent restaurants come to town. We have a city of about 25-30,000 and before the referendum there wasn't squat to eat. I have gone to a liquor store with a friend who said, "I really hope I don't see anyone I know in here!" Why? They would be in here too? Is it THAT shameful to pick up a bottle of butterscotch schnapps?? I just don't know what people expect out of a music festival in a wet city. I swear I don’t get why people are opposed to the consumption of alcohol. ANY consumption, not just to excess. Can someone on here give me some Scripture that backs this up? And I don't mean the scriptures against getting drunk. Of course it's bad to get stinking, sloppy drunk. I come from a Southern Baptist family with Church of God extended family. I have never understood the opposition to alcohol. In youth group we were taught two crucial tenets of the faith: no premarital sex and NO ALCOHOL. Not even a taste. The strange thing is, we were never given any explanation as to WHY. The explanation was, "It's sinful." I now live in Scotland, where the moment you step in someone's home, you are offered beer/wine/whisky or whatever they have on hand. When I have explained to our family and friends what it's like to live in a place that had to fight tooth and nail for YEARS for the right to purchase even a beer, they are totally amazed.
I'm sorry that this turned into a full-on rant, but come on. I am so SICK of this even being an issue. I am not a heavy drinker at all, I do enjoy a pear cider or a Jim Beam and Coke every now and then though. Shouldn't people have the right to purchase alcohol without being made to feel like they are going to burn in the fires of Hell?
