#tequila weasley

[rhombusgirl]

Ginny in all her glory <3 Based on @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin ‘s fanfiction

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

I really like Tequila from Lee's world. What would that weird Tom/Ginny combination be like if Lee had never returned to the HP universe? Would they become more like October Tom? Or something else entirely? How would Tequila handle the mad creature their main soul has become?

Oh man, you give Tequila far more credit than I do.

For simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to Tequila below as “he”, mostly because it’s really Wizard Trotsky at the wheel in “Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds”. He just happens to rock Ginny Weasley’s adolescent body.

Tequila’s a hot mess, a dumpster fire, and it doesn’t matter if he’s pining after Tom Riddle’s childhood friend Ellie Potter, if Tom is stuck in a diary only to be released to confront Ellie/Harry Potter, or if he’s stuck in a diary and released only to find out Ellie Potter isn’t even there. Tequila will always be a mess.

Let’s say Lee never showed back up. Tequila’s life would be one of hilarity and woe.

Wizard Trotsky likely would have continued masquerading as Ginny, i.e. being Tequila, out of a sheer lack of ability to answer the question “what the hell do I do now?” That’s why he stuck around as Ginny in the first place. 

So Tequila goes to Hogwarts, milks “I’m an invalid, woe is me, I can’t go to class cough cough I am traumatized by snakes on planes” excuse for as long as he can get away with it (which is forever) and ends up with decent marks (having gone through Hogwarts twice now) but not nearly as good as he once had or, say, Hermione has because he’s gotten profoundly lazy. Sadly, this still puts him ahead of 50% of Hogwarts’ population.

Similarly, Tequila’s effort at impersonating Ginny Weasley is half-assed at best. However, because Ginny went through an incredibly traumatic experience, no one gives him shit for it or wonders “Hey, is this really Ginny?” Due to this, Tequila’s soul is dying inside even more than usual. He doesn’t even have to try around these assholes. He could walk up to the wall, spray paint “I am Voldemort, bitch!” and they’d probably just try to console him.

Lee showing back up out of the ether is the most exciting that has ever happened to Tequila possibly ever. It’d be better if Lee wanted to do epic ninja battle, so Tequila could prove how cool and not useless he is and defeat his prophesied enemy, but even Lee just being in the castle, insulting everybody, and lighting all of Hagrid’s pets on fire is amazing.

But anyways, Lee never shows up.

Tequila gets a pretty good idea of who the original Death Eaters were thanks to gossip but there’s not much he can do about it as all the Death Eaters (aside from the ones in prison) have disavowed Voldemort out of self preservation. His showing up as an adolescent schoolgirl just doesn’t have the same effect  and it’d be a little hard to prove who he is given that he doesn’t even really know these people.

Not to mention that Voldemort was this distant thing in the future for him and he has no idea how to actually go about doing any of that. The actual Voldemort has many years experience on him in recruiting, guerilla warfare, logistics, etc. 

Tom Riddle was in dueling club one time, it was great, he learned things.

So Tequila likely wiffle waffles a lot, telling himself, “One day, I’m going to run out on all these assholes, return as Voldemort, and then Granger will cry” only to sigh and realize it’s far more realistic to start from fresh. Besides, why just try to redo what his other half did, he wants to be his own person (a better more competent version! He won’t get blown up by any toddlers!) and that means finding his own cause. And if he can make Dumbledore’s Order his Order, then great.

Not to mention there’s the disturbing possibility that Voldemort’s not quite dead. Now, Tequila can give this credence as being the horcrux, he knows that Voldemort’s not really dead. He’s amazed Voldemort managed to blow himself up with a baby, amazed, embarrassed, and offended, but Tequila isn’t willing to completely throw out the idea that Voldemort’s this evil wraith who occasionally possesses muggle studies professors. Not exactly on Tom Riddle’s bucket list, but clearly, the original screwed up everything and doesn’t even deserve Tequila’s respect.

(Tequila went through a brief, extremely brief, period of wondering if he should seek out the main soul and help him return it to power. Being the horcrux, technically, he should probably serve the original soul.

Then he remembered that asshole had one job, only one job, and he ruined it. Tequila was shoved into a diary for nothing and look what happened. Now there’s a national Harry Potter Day. Clearly, the wrong half of Tom Riddle was put out of commission and if you want it done right you’ve got to do it yourself.)

So, in 1994 without Lee’s involvement, Voldemort returns from the grave. Because I’m realistic, Neville probably dies. Sorry, Neville, you lived a good if short life and I’m sure you gave it the college try. Dumbledore falls into despair and “THE WORLD IS DOOMED!” mode now that all his even remotely prophesied children are MIA and immediately gets the Order of the Phoenix together.

Ginny, being thirteen at the time, isn’t allowed because that would be ridiculous. Despite it being ridiculous to include thirteen year olds, Tequila is pissed that he’ll have to wait another god knows how many years before Molly lets him do what he wants.

Offscreen Dumbledore probably goes through varying levels of extremely horrifying solutions to the Tom Riddle problem.

First, he probably goes horcrux hunting. Unfortunately for Dumbledore, in “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” and “Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds” there are only two horcruxes and only one was intentional. Tom had originally planned to make seven but the hangover from the first one was so mind breakingly awful he went “New plan, I will make one horcrux, and then I will think of something else”. He never really got around to thinking of anything else.

Dumbledore, however, doesn’t know this. So he dutifully collects memories, banks on Tom’s ridiculously romantic nature, and starts going to places of importance. Not to reveal too much, but Tom actually laid several traps around for those poking their nose around looking for his horcrux. Dumbledore steps into several of these with not so good results.

Given that one of the horcruxes is Ginny and the other is still stuck in Konoha without any access to magic, Dumbledore is 0 for 2.

More, given that only Neville Longbottom was prophesied to have the ability to defeat the dark lord either Dumbledore has to somehow resurrect Neville or else get himself a new Neville. Because I love terrible, but funny, things let’s say he does both and we get a round of Pet Semetary (sometimes, dead is better, Albus) and pulling in Harry Potters/Neville Longbottoms from other dimensions (but miraculously not Eru Lee somehow, which is great for her because she’s busy having a terrible time in the third shinobi war). 

Back to Lee for a bit and why Dumbledore’s first solution isn’t just to desperately try and find her.

First, she is completely off the map and has been for years. She isn’t even registering as “dead” or “in mortal peril” she’s just gone. Somehow finding her and hoping, miraculously, for her blowing up Voldemort a second time just isn’t on the table.

Second, Lee’s involvement in the prophecy is... a bit wonky. This has been noted a bit in “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” but the prophecy in “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” and “Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds” actually explicitly does not refer to her in that it specifies a male child born at the end of July. This is because the universe is falling apart and we’re all doomed, doomed, doomed, but that’s a different story. Point being, especially in this Lee-less version, Albus has no idea what’s up with Lee but he’s putting his money on Neville. Poor, dead, Neville.

Tequila meanwhile gets to read news of how everything’s going to hell in the dumbest way he can imagine. Voldemort clearly came back wrong and missing a lot of brain cells, even with a body he keeps not taking over the ministry even though they’re practically begging him to do it, and everything he does is not only a) very embarrassing but b) it prevents Tequila from rising into power and becoming amazing.

Clearly, he must be stopped, there can only be one Lord of the Rings.

Well, destroying him completely means destroying Tequila first, and we can’t have that. So Tequila comes up with the only reasonable solution: they have to seal Voldemort’s evil spirit away in some magical artifact.

Tequila drops out of Hogwarts, goes adventuring for a few years, finds some exorcism sword or something and learns how to use it. Comes back and anticlimactically defeats Voldemort while everyone else was busy panicking and Hogwarts was being invaded or some nonsense.

Nobody, not even Tequila, knows how to handle Voldemort’s sudden and very anticlimactic defeat.

Then Tequila recovers and shouts “Weasley is our king!”

Tequila, probably eighteen around this point, is voted the youngest Minister of Magic ever. With Dumbledore dead, Tequila strongarms his way into taking over the Order of the Phoenix, and everything’s coming up Tom Riddle. 

Only then Tom Riddle has that terrible sense of deja vu as the, “What now?” question hovers in his brain. Once again, he has absolutely no answer. Tom is the dog who has caught the car.

Congratulations, Tom.

TL;DR: Without Lee, Tequila would probably end up dealing with the original Voldemort himself/herself. He’s still a mess, he’s learned nothing, and at the end just finds out that actually, he didn’t want to be in power, being in power is stupid.

All he figures out is that he has no idea what he wants.

On the plus side, at least Dumbledore’s dead.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

I can’t pronounce Ginny (or Lucius) to save my life so I’m glad that you have given me an alternative. I’ve been using Tequila for Ginny and my friends are not pleased

I am proud that this is my internet legacy.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Straight Eye for the Queer Girl: Episode 1: A Girl Schemes and Dreams

I have no excuses, only words, and a haunting idea that would not go away but doesn’t actually deserve to be made into a story. 

The premise: For whatever reason, Wizard Trotsky and Ginny are still going at it in a sixth year that’s remarkably similar to Harry Potter’s sixth year in Hogwarts, but in the “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” universe.

“I’m not sure I understand,” Tom finally said, and it was with a certain air of reluctance, as if he’d rather not say this but felt he had little choice otherwise. Ginny, of course, wanted to hit him.

Part of the trouble of having a voice in your head though was that you couldn’t hit him. Just like you couldn’t get rid of him or really do anything about him. Terrible as it was though, Ginny had kind of gotten used to Tom over the years. Oh, certainly the crush and idolization had faded, and there had been about a year of grumbling bitterness that nobody but Lily had even tried to do anything about it (not that she’d gotten much of a reward for her actions) but that in time had faded too.

Truth was, given a bit of time, Ginny realized that she and Tom actually had a fair bit in common. Well, not quite, they had one very specific thing in common. And, while at first it made her uncomfortable and then a bit hostile, being stuck in the same body having the same goal wasn’t such a bad thing.

Simply put: Tom Marvolo Riddle wanted Eleanor Lily Potter as much as Ginny ever had.

He also had a more intimate, well, perhaps a different understanding of her than Ginny did. Truth be told, thanks to Tom, Ginny had never gotten much of a chance to know her or to see much more than the golden image she presented. It was Tom who made it a point to know her inside and out, to see her heroism and nobility for what it was, and to call her only by her middle name with an almost heartbreaking fondness.

So, all things considered, by Ginny’s fifth year she didn’t consider Tom Riddle, her reluctant brother in arms, that bad of a source when it came to things like this. And it wasn’t like she could ask Ron on how to seduce Lily, but, still, that didn’t mean she didn’t want to knock his teeth out every now and then.

Ginny, on the train to Hogwarts, separated by several compartments from Default company and Ellie Potter (not that Lily was likely to be riding the train anyway, she’d probably show up in the middle of the feast sometime looking like hell itself was on her heels). This wasn’t necessarily great, but it gave Ginny some time to think and scheme.

“What’s wrong with my idea?” Ginny spat back.

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with it, per se—” Tom started, which of course meant he thought everything was wrong with it.

“Look mate, we’re not doing too well. The Cedric thing, that whole Cho Chang thing from last year, that can’t happen again! At the rate we’re going Lily doesn’t even know we exist!” Ginny had just about died when, after showing up for every single Rebel’s Alliance meeting, she’d had to watch as Cho Chang asked for Lily’s personal help in creating a patronus. And with Lily’s lean body, her red curls, brushing over Cho’s shoulder Ginny had had to bite her lip to keep from spewing profanities that would make Fred and George blush while cursing Cho Chang into the next century.

“Oh, she knows,” Tom replied ominously, with that smug masculine pride which really was not helping their case. Because if she knew she sure wasn’t showing it, she’d spent the last three years barely glancing at Ginny or else looking sort of awkward about Ginny’s whole first year.

Which, Ginny got, it was a rough year for her two, but Lily could at least look at her!

“No, but she will know!” Ginny said, a grin growing across her face. She stretched, kicked her feet up across the bench in her compartment, letting the planned future sink in.

She’d already done good work over the summer in the burrow. Lily had shown up in the last few weeks, looking very uncomfortable with everything, and Ginny had made very sure that Lily knew exactly where Ginny was and where to find her.

And that those hours Ginny had watched femme fatales and sex icons in every major muggle film Tom could think of hadn’t gone to waste.

When Ginny smoldered, damn, she smoldered.

“I just don’t see how throwing ourselves at Dean Thomas will lead to anything productive.”

Obviously, it was going to make Lily extraordinarily jealous.

“Lily does not give a flying fuck about the likes of Dean Thomas.”

No, Ginny thought, now Tom was just willfully missing the point.

“Look, we did step one, right? Step one was getting her to notice us at home, notice that we’re bloody hot. Mission accomplished. Step two is to make her do something about it. She sees us in the arms of Dean and suddenly she’s all hot and bothered and realizes it’s because we’re all over this loser instead of her. She then punches his lights out, sweeps us off our feet, and we are done!”

And then, so to speak, came the honeymoon. Granted, Ginny didn’t know where exactly they’d go inside Hogwarts, they might have to sneak out or else find a broom closet or something but after five years Ginny was desperate enough to go for just about anything.

Including the likes of Dean Thomas.

Tom said nothing for a moment, silently brooding inside of Ginny’s brain, and then his smooth voice sounded once again, “As an admirer of a well-thought plan, I have to say Ginny, that I think we’re skipping over a few vital steps—"

“You’re just a chicken,” Ginny cut in before he could go on whatever eloquent rant he had planned.

“I am not a—”

“You’re just too scared to go making out with Dean Thomas, even for Lily,” Ginny said, and backed this up with the strongest mental image of a chicken she could muster up, one clucking its way in a hen house and looking as undignified as possible.

“Believe me, if it had a chance in hell of working I would be right there with you! As it is, we’re going to sunder ourselves with some Gryffindor blow-hard for nothing! I am not going to be trapped in the Hogwarts whore, Ginny!”

“Well, fuck you, Tom,” Ginny said, throwing her hands into the air and almost tempted to say it out loud, “It’s my body so we get to do my plan!”

Because he really didn’t have much of a choice these days, it generally took more effort possessing Ginny than it was worth, so he’d just have to sit this one out and go sulk when Ginny was proven right and he was proven a brooding loser.

And he was sulking already, disappearing into the back of her mind with a grumble that she never listened to him and this was just going to be so embarrassing, and that as soon as this failed they were going with his bloody plan whether she liked it or not.

Ginny simply stood, pleasantly smiled, and went off to find Dean.

 “You know, I feel like Dumbledore’s just specifically passing me over for prefect,” Lily said to Hermione, once again Default prefect while Lily remained lowly quidditch captain of Hogwarts’ far and away worst quidditch team, “It’s been five years now, you think I’d get it at least once.”

Hermione didn’t even spare her a glance, simply pinned on her prefect badge and made her way to the front of the train with Lily in tow (because lord help Lily if she was just going to sit in the compartment with Zabini and Greengrass), “It would help if you were responsible, and if you could manage to even finish one term.”

“My lack of attendance is in no way shape and form my fault.”

As usual, Hermione didn’t seem to buy that, even though it was very true. The forces of the universe, or Tom Riddle rather, conspired actively against Lily’s education. Besides, it wasn’t like she’d really missed anything important.

It was at that moment that she came to a sudden halt.

“Oh, Tequila,” Lily said, though it came out more of a curse than a greeting.

There, blocking their and almost everyone else’s path, was none other than fifteen-year-old Ginny Weasley eagerly sucking the tongue of some Gryffindor whose name honestly escaped Lily. Ginny’s eyes were half lidded, moved over towards Lily as if watching specifically for Lily’s expression watching whatever the hell this even was.

It was oddly reminiscent of those horrible few weeks where Lily had been kidnapped by Albus Dumbledore to slum it up at the Weasleys. There, every few hours, Lily would somehow find herself walking in on Tequila in various seductive positions and states of deshabille. She’d flutter her eyelashes, in a manner Lily believed was supposed to be read as sultry, and would extend a pale freckled leg towards Lily.

Her dark eyes would glitter in the half-light, and every gesture, every motion seemed to scream at Lily to come hither and fall into her arms.

It had, each and every time, felt staged enough to be a sex dream. Except Lily was never dreaming during these, and rather than being tempted, mostly felt this bewildering sense of doom and a need to leave whatever room she was in very quickly.

Which, in fact, was what she was about to do right now, “Right, bye, Hermione.”

And Lily turned right around and left Tequila and hapless victim number one to their procreational activities.

“New plan,” Tom said as Ginny forlornly tore herself away from Dean long enough to watch Lily disappear back into a compartment, “We murder Cho Chang.”