#thbt

[mmmmalo]

[sapokanivan]

so the saga continues

he stole my friends

i regret so much its scary

god i wasted so much time in a relationship

and what am i left with? nothing.

my cope is that i am never happy with what i have

and that i was doing the best with what i knew

also hes shite and also you didnt waste it

why did i doubt our relationship so much???

i was so stupid

a connection like that doesn't happen every day

i need a fresh start

he always had to be right, it was frustrating

i always keep a distance from everyone

i should've drank more

REGRETS ARE JUST LESSONS

I HATE THAT HE STOLE MY ONE FUCKING THING

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

i feel like ive thrown away every opportunity ive been given

i wish medication didnt make you gain weight

i need a fresh start

i need to leave those fuckers in the past

[sapokanivan]

today i miss him like crazy

all his bad traits can be explained away

who cares that i have no life

if having a life involves cj then i don't care for it

so worried about spring semester

but taking the risk is the only choice

terrified of casual sex

only because i've never had it

i was terrified of sex before i had it too

terrified of having sex with the same person forever

actually i'm not scared of the last one i'm scared of choosing the wrong person to spend the rest of my life with so i refuse to communicate and push them away until they leave

i'm living the post grad life that my friends have been telling me about and its different and its a huge adjustment

i definitely miss connection

watching a movie at night with friends is fun and i miss it kinda

luckily i can still do that i just don't make plans enough and i always take the friends i have for granted, i'm so lucky to have them

what sucks about my brain is that i always want what i can't have, and when i get it and it doesn't meet my unrealistic expectations, i am disappointed

ill get drunk and dance to tula with the dems and ill be alright

nobody cares about anyone but themselves, also you needed to break up bc he's just not right for you and you always knew it

i put so much pressure on myself to live correctly, i hate it

i'm definitely not living the cool worthy life right now

i would like to just relax my brain and allow life to happen more, I used to do that, but now I put this ticking clock on and I stress myself out

i don't like how I look at life like a checkbox now, what do i want and enjoy vs what do i do for the sake of doing it?

i enjoy good conversation and wine

i enjoy outdoor sports and conner o malley live

i enjoy kissing someone who smells good

i enjoy getting drunk and dancing

i really enjoy when someone makes me laugh

i enjoy when TM works

i enjoy a really busy service job

i enjoy showering and watching a funny show in bed

you let me go

good, i become a wreck in relationships

good, i'll make the absolute most of this spring

good, i know what i want now and i wouldn't have if we never met

bad, i miss my beautiful best friend

good, there is something incredibly off about you

you are poison

one day i will be free

until then the future is completely unknown

and im thankful for this

[sapokanivan]

i haven't slept in 48 hours

i was doing so so so well, better than i even was with you before i saw you

last night was amazing, i felt overwhelming happiness for the first time in ages, i miss my R friends but seeing them includes the risk of seeing you and your new friends :(

maybe i'll just go on friday nights? i don't know. i won't go until cj is gone. this sucks. i will disappear all spring basically, why not? besides the shoot and jorgar, what business do i have there? i miss steven and aj but i can't go to their house its so depressing.

why did you have to look at me like that, why did you have to look at me like you were still in love with me bitch, why did you look so happy to see me. no, you're just really happy in life, i mean nothing to you.

i feel completely disconnected from all of humanity. you made so much sense to me but i took you for granted. i wish i could do it all over again.

new york is an awful place and so is my school. i doubt i will find even one person that i click with there. i will surely try but i highly doubt it.

you supplied me with such interesting ideas and facts, i feel so deflated now.

i wish i could go back to when we were in love.

my life just straight up sucks without you.

my life is so awful right now, i have no one.

i just want love again, fuck what i thought mattered!!!

i want love i want love i want love

but i really don't!!!

i'll make the very very most of the spring semester

pray to GOD i meet some people who make me laugh

but in the back of my mind i'll be thinking of you

and how no one has ever made me feel like you did

i really hope i prove this wrong, really really hope

and top it off in france

it really fucking sucks how nobody compares to you

ugh you're kind of annoying though

and the way you changed makes me sick

you need to get off the pedestal

its over forever and i'm trying to do things with this life i have

[sapokanivan]

sometimes i feel so overwhelmed by how awful i was around him, so many things triggered me that shouldn't have, at least he grew with me and now he has his dream life, its not like i ruined the rest of his life, and i have my "dream life" now too, so its not like being a misery caused me to have an awful life, but fuck why couldn't i have been normal, i can't tell if hes a bad person or not, i judge people too, i am so far away from his mind, tuesday will be a day in my life, i am strong, i feel so blessed to be single and at peace, i miss the comfort/safety of a relationship but they make me mentally ill so it cannot be.

[sapokanivan]

i wonder what my life could've been like if i had a normal brain

our situation was so incredibly unique that i cannot relate to anyone else on their breakups

i wants heaps of perverted casual sex followed by a healthy long term relationship where jealousy does not exist and trust/honesty/communication is abound

i wonder so hard what we could've been if i wasn't mentally ill

if that one huge problem for me didn't exist and i gave us my all

but i was so scared of wasting my life with the wrong one, i sabotaged until the inevitable ending

the movie is right, it really is complicated

i jumped in because i thought, whats the worst that could happen?

what happened was my life and the way i think was completely changed forever

and the weird part is i loved you but i don't even like you?

throughout our whole relationship i never really liked you but i kept going until i loved you and formed a toxic attachment

life really never turns out how you think it will, i never expected any of this to happen in my life, i couldn't have guessed it in a million years

people destroy my peace, thats why this solitude has brought me peace i truly have not known since aug 2021, but solitude doesn't bring me my favorite memories

my mission in life is to find people who bring me peace and laughter! not feelings of inadequacy and stress about endings!!!!!!!

i always thought we would break up

i never thought id get to experience what happened between us

love brought me the worst pain i've ever felt in my entire life

i am so so scared to love again, and feel the clock tick after it begins

but thats if i even find someone i like which who knows

also i need to be ready and have my <experiences> so who the fuck knows!

shit im a lovergirl at heart im a lovergirl i just have issues!

i just need to be happy alone brother, need to start snowboarding too

2025=things

[sapokanivan]

i cant believe i spent two entire years of my life with the wrong person

i became the worst version of myself with him

i knew he was bad news from the get go but i stayed

but also i hurt him so much because of my shit i never dealt with

when i think of all the ways i fucked up i can see that i fucked up

i want to live a life where i don't get triggered or jealous

those two things are the most fucking useless emotions i've finally realized after 22 years of life

emotional regulation is the key to an unwasted life

i need life experience and more than anything maturity, until i have those things i will sink relationships

i need to stop wanting what i can't have and being happy with what i do have

he had many bad traits that i chose to ignore, he was no angel

but i feel bad about the thing not so good things i did

and i miss the good times like crazy but they're lost in the past now

and of course it hurts to know you moved on, but thats life

heres to hoping this next year brings independence, experience and joy

this has happened for a reason, it needed to happen, i needed badly to be humbled by life tbh

i want to be content

[sapokanivan]

i am capable of change

i am capable of change

i will not succumb to misery

i will knock down my walls

i will fight the negative thoughts

that i never questioned and

always let win for a decade

and fighting them feels extremely uncomfortable and wrong

undoing ten years of damage doesn't happen overnight

i will think less

i will make plans

i will talk to strangers

i will keep improving myself

thoughts are passing clouds

do not let them control you

my life is always good but i overthink it

i've decided im too young to continue to live like this