#the physics factor

[scarcelyodd]

So this is happening again...

[scarcelyodd]

Transitions

It’s funny how we hold on to things. I haven’t posted a YouTube video in 6 years, and yet I’ve been planning to make it my hobby again all that time - and stressed out about it at times to boot. But I realized today that I am no longer that person, and I haven’t been for quite some time. It’s a bittersweet recognition: necessary, but painful, with excitement about what’s to come. (I have no idea what’s to come.) I was journaling about this and really wanted to talk to someone about it, but I couldn’t figure out the right person to talk to. And then I thought “Tumblr. Tumblr would understand.”

You see, the idea of running a physics YouTube channel has been on my mind for a decade now. I got the idea at the end of my first year of grad school, which was 2011. And I specifically decided not to pursue it at the time because I was joining a lab and needed to focus on this grad school thing I’d signed up for. But the idea wouldn’t leave me alone, and ideas for videos would often pop into my head - often enough, in fact, that I started keeping a list for when I could make them. In my third year of grad school, the list was long enough and the excitement great enough that I had to act on it. And so The Physics Factor was born. And I enjoyed (and stressed) about making videos for it for somewhere between a year-and-a-half and two years. It was a heady time. I loved thinking about it, and there was such a high every time I posted a video - I’d have trouble sleeping. I went to VidCon twice. For a time, I thought that when I finished grad school (there was never any question in my mind that I wanted to finish), I might want to give being a YouTube creator a proper chance.

And then I needed to take a health leave of absence.

(Of course it wasn’t that abrupt.)

I deal with chronic depression, though I had not properly internalized this at the time. It got to the point that I was no longer able to care for myself, and I needed to take a year-long health leave of absence from my PhD to recover. (Yep. It did take a year, and even then it was more like I was functional than fully recovered.) When I was back in grad school, I had two years to go until I’d be done with my PhD, so naturally I was thinking about what I wanted to do afterwards. And I found that I didn’t want to make a career out of online video anymore, but I still wanted it to be my hobby - a hobby I knew I couldn’t sustain while I finished my PhD, but a hobby I could pick up again in the future.

And so I finished my PhD and was lucky enough to get the exact sort of job I wanted (9-month university lecturer = health leave built in every summer), and there was a video studio in the department too! I could start a group in the department to make physics videos - and I did, my second semester here at UF. UF PhysTube became my new physics YouTube project, but I’ve struggled to do what I want with it. (We have made some videos, but there are also videos I still need to post that we shot a year ago.) I just don’t have the drive I thought I would - I don’t want to regularly work the extra hours apart from my job to build it into what I know it could be. I’m still tired. Not super-depressed, but tired of trying to be...unique, I suppose. I shared with @smokeandsong once that there was a part of me that wanted to be famous on some level - not massively famous, but known at some scale beyond my family, friends, and coworkers. I don’t think I want that anymore. I’m content to do my job and do it well and take in the things other people create rather than be a Creator myself. (Capital “C” because I recognize that we all create things every day, and can do so without being well-known, but “Creator” has been an identity for me for the past decade, and I no longer want it. I’m ok being a Consumer.)

All of this is to say that I am only now emotionally letting go of a project that functionally ended 6 years ago. And that is hard. But it is also good because it is me acknowledging that I am a different person with different desires than I was in the middle of grad school. My health leave changed me. My illness changed me. Grad School changed me. And there are many things I am thankful for in all of those experiences, but in the words of the immortal Miley Cyrus, “It’s time to let it go.”

[scarcelyodd]

Let's chat about physics - and imposter syndrome!

[scarcelyodd]

heyyyyy, it is me again, that physicist-wannabe last time. i checked on the website of my uni's institute of physics and it said they only accept incoming third year students for 'apprenticeship'. on the side note: man, they've gotta work on their website your tumblr looks more neat. on the other side note: maybe i should just adjust myself to my uni first and maybe learn more about the area i'd want to concentrate on. thanks for the advice <33 dftba :)

Awww anon, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you happen to be at a school outside the US? My advice was definitely based on what I know about the US system; I’m not much of an expert on other countries. (I ask because you say “uni”, which I’ve heard most often outside the US.)

But what you said about adjusting to college life is definitely on point. Your grades do matter for getting into grad school; figuring out the balance between time spent on research and time spent on classes can be tricky. I think grades still matter more than research - you need both to get into a good school, but if your grades suffer due to time spent on research, admissions committees might wonder at how well you understand physics. Again, take this with a large grain of salt: I have never been on an admissions committee of any sort! It’s just an impression I have from various interactions over the years. Best to talk to advisors/professors at your school to better understand that balance.

Oh and one last thing: you might be able to find programs that aren’t affiliated with your university - in the US, for example, there’s the NNIN REU program, among others. I don’t know how easy it will be to search out which programs require US Citizenship/residency on these pages (again, assuming you’re international, which may not be the case!), but in case they’re helpful, here are the NSF REU site and the APS REU site.

And DFTBA right back at you! ;)

[scarcelyodd]

heeeeyyyy! I'm a freshman at uni taking B.S. Physics. Have any advice for me? (and for others who also dream of getting their own PhD in the field) p.s. i love your yt channel p.p.s oHMYGOD YOU LOVE LEGEND OF KORRA I LOVE YOU p.p.p.s. YOU'RE AWESOME

Hi anon!

Sometimes I wish tumblr timestamped these things because I have no idea when you wrote this, but hopefully not too long ago…(I took quite a break from the internet over the holidays).

ANYWAYS

(1) You are studying physics AND you are a Legend of Korra fan??? I LOVE YOU BACK (there must be something especially appealing to physicists about Korra…@PhysicistLisa is also a huge fan!)

(2) The best thing you can do to get yourself well on the road to a PhD is to get involved in research early on in college. (I would say the summer after your freshman year, if possible; just use freshman year to adjust to college life and set good habits to do well in your classes.) It can definitely be challenging to get involved in research so early, because you won’t have as huge a physics knowledge base as older students. But don’t let this discourage you: ask around and find out which professors take a lot of undergrads. You would almost certainly be working an experimental job, helping prepare samples and perhaps building things, since you’d likely be underprepared for theory work. I can think of professors at both UCSB and Cornell who have a reputation for taking on undergrads, so hopefully you can find someone similar at your uni! If not, that’s ok, just keep at it - many students are able to find positions after sophomore year.

(3) Thank you so much for your note! :D I’m trying to figure out how to manage my channel this year, since I didn’t do a great job of it last year…research, man! So thank you for your encouraging words - they mean a lot and are hugely motivating. :)

[scarcelyodd]

I'm so honored that Sarah Worsham of Lady Paragons asked me to join her on the first Lady Paragons Podcast.  I really enjoyed our conversation about physics, research, and YouTube, and I hope you guys do too!  (There's even a tumblr shout-out in there!)

[scarcelyodd]

In a few short hours, I'll be in Anaheim to attend this year's VidCon, and I'd love to meet up with you!

The best way to get in touch with me (in descending order) is:

Twitter:  http://twitter.com/@physicskatie

Facebook:  http://facebook.com/thephysicsfactor

Tumblr:  http://muchtoofullofsand.tumblr.com

Hope to see you there!

[scarcelyodd]

Lady Paragons, an awesome site dedicated to building a community encouraging girls and women in science, interviewed me back in February - and here's the link!

A big THANK YOU to Sarah Worsham for reaching out to me for this interview.

(And to those of you that follow my YouTube channel: yes, I am in the process of - finally - getting some new videos out.)