summary: harry’s girlfriend is a roaster in The Roast of the Sidemen. (2.4k words.)
pairing: reader x bog (W2S.)
notes: LIL DRABBLE !!! so many of you were after this and desperate to see what type of shit our girl would say as the most ruthless sidemen gf 🤣🤣 so here you go! [warning! brutal. if you take offence suck it up.] let me know what you think and don’t forget to reblog!! <33
TODAY WAS A DAY YOU FELT like you were back in school again, having to perform a presentation at the front of the class — ‘cause that’s exactly what you were doing. Today, you were taking to the stage and roasting the 7 figures (including your boyfriend) sitting at the front, The Sidemen.
Truth be told, you were half expecting, half not expecting to be brought back after your first performance - for the simple fact you were highly praised online for it - the other the fact that you’d brutally left your mark and exposed those 7 boys. But you were a fan favourite and when Tobi called and asked to see if you were willing to do it again almost 4 years later — how could you have declined?
You’d spent the previous days thinking of what to write, and when Harry came home and saw you looking smug, scribbling notes down on paper having just been told another roast was coming up — he dreadfully groaned with his face in his hands, exclaiming ‘FOR FUCKS SAKE!’ after thinking through all the things you could bring up. Last time was horrific — he didn’t want to imagine what Friday was going to be like. So much had happened in between those 4 years — for starters – you’d had a short break from him a while back, and boy oh boy . . was he bracing himself for the shit that was going to be said to him whilst you were in the room.
But here you were. Friday, now sitting in the audience, watching Bambino Becky leave the stage with an applause after giving it to the boys. To be honest, it wasn’t just the boys who had got it today — all your friends and people tied to your circle in the crowd were getting it — including you. You were such a target this time ‘round, insults meant for Harry involving you which had the audience cringing from the tension they could feel being created. You just had to sit there and take it like a champ — poker face on and not batting an eye when your name was brought up in an insult made against Harry.
Callux’s was brutal and he was the first one to start:
“Harry’s Mrs is here, y/n y/l/n, or as we all know her as, Mrs Wroetoshaw,” he held his arm out to you in the front you, and then looked to your boyfriend. “Don’t know why we still call her that though . . surely it should be MountToØdegaard now?”
You know when you want to die but you don’t want people to know? So you just sit there like the unbothered queen you are? Yeah that was you, although a smile did break out onto your face because ok Callux, that was clever.
The low oo’s that filled the crowd and the amount of knuckles in mouths had Callux getting the biggest ego boost for that one. Mic. Drop.
Truth be told — you were expecting these. Jokes made from the . . allegations from the year you briefly split from Harry, and while he was in his single era, partying with the boys . . so were you . . in Mykonos . . with a few professional footballers.
You just didn’t know everyone was in on them . . . and neither did Harry.
“Harry, how you took back y/n is incomprehensible to me - you’re a brave man.” Stephen said softly into the microphone. “You see, when Harry and Y/n split, Harry went back to his ex!” The audience were trying not to laugh so hard already, especially with Harry’s awkward demeanor shining through in his drinking state. “Had to go back to someone he’d been with before – someone who’d seen his penis and was willing to give it another go — too scared to let anyone new in!” Stephen looked at him while everyone roared. “Y/n, on the other hand, was shagging Harry’s favourite football players in Mykonos! Go you girl!” he snapped his fingers and pointed to you front row. “I don’t know how our boy had the strength to be with you after that. Christ, I’d shrivel into a ball at the thought of all the 8-packs and 8-figures you seen. Oof Bog, how have you not almost pulled an Ethan?” He shook his head with a jabbing of his thumb. “If you were insecure back then, I can’t imagine your mental state now, mate!”
And then Becky:
“Everyone gives Harry a hard time for his drug abuse, I, however, don’t really blame him. I’d do them too if I found out my girl shagged the captain of the Arsenal team.”
It was one photo! You had one photo snapped of you sitting at a table with him on holiday! And yes! You were smiling adoringly! Because it was a famous, professional football player! Giving you his time! And yes, he was so sweet and so humble! And yes, he liked you telling him all about London. God forbid you looked like you were in love speaking to him!
I mean it was the least he could do . .
Deji ended you. Well, ended Harry, but ended you, his unfiltered aura shining through:
“Harry! The Premier League ain’t the only thing Martin Ødegaard dominating on top of the table!”
Even that had you biting your tongue to stop the laugh getting out.
Fucking hell . . how you prayed that guy never heard these . . rumours . . involving him . . .
You didn’t need another footballer to add to the list.
After closing your eyes embracingly and telepathically communicating with Harry with your eyes during each roast — it was eventually your go to to take to the stand.
You walked up, hiding the slight shake in your hand by flicking your hair over your shoulder while Tobi introduced you. “Everyone, if we could please welcome, Mrs Wroetoshaw, Y/n Y/l/n!”
The applause that filled the room was encouraging, despite the light shake in your finger from the realization of having to speak in front of this big crowd, but other than that, the game face was on. You inhaled a breath and dropped your face. You were not breaking until it was over.
“Thank you everyone, thank you,” you cleared your throat, taking the stand. “Not the footballer last names I want, but hey I'll take it for now.”
Oh you were off to a good start.
The discomfort you could feel because people were afraid to laugh was fueling. You couldn’t even make eye contact with Harry yet, but you could sense that stare and everyone was watching him. He was so uncomfortable.
You loved it.
“Uh, thanks for having me back guys. Don’t know why,” you looked at them and shrugged, “I fucking hate being associated with you. As does the rest of the world,” you flicked through your page of notes while everybody laughed at the seriousness of your tone. “For all you who don’t know, I’m Harry’s girlfriend. The big one in the middle.”
He shook his head while the others laughed. Laugh after laugh. Calfreezy’s stuck out every time as you jumped straight into bullying the clan.
“Uh, yeah, been together almost 10 years,” you started and received a round of applause for that milestone, “yeah, yeah, hold your applaud, Jesus Christ. Not something to go bragging about.”
It was your tone that was funny - how serious and how genuine you sounded - how angry you really came off — it made it all that believable.
“But for those who don’t know, Harry and I split for a bit a few years ago,” you raised your brows to the crowd, “you see he was doing ket more than he was doing me—” Freezy’s laugh, it was Freezy’s laugh that screeched above everyone else's gasps and uncomfortable laughter, “—and also being a massive dick, as you can see,” you held your arm up to the projector showcasing those famous pics from the the night of the split - where Harry hauled abuse in your face, “only type of dick I was getting for a while to be honest. Could never get the other one up with all the mad shit he was on.”
Harry’s head was hung so unbelievably low, hands covering his face, shoulders fully slumped. He actually wanted to crawl into a ball.
The others were living for it, it was fucking ruthless. JJ was screeching from the top of his lungs, kicking and squealing like a little girl, he was loving every second of it. Everyone took ages to calm, so casually you took a drink from your water bottle, waiting patiently, you casually added, “it’s funny ‘cause it’s true.”
They were feral - losing their breath, you had this audience in a chokehold. “So yeah, I mean we’re back again and all is good - still working on his problem. He gives me his credit card to get off his back but all the powder stuck to the bottom just makes it hard to get past,” you tucked your hair behind your ear before holding up the card, “luckily, he’s started to blow it off before handing it to me,” you fake celebrated before flicking the next page. “No, but in all honesty, he’s good to me and here we are 3 years later. 8 all in. But don’t ask when the wedding is or when Baby Lewis is coming along–” you pulled a wide-eyed face, “people like Ethan and Faith only have to worry about their kids running the risk of obesity - and even still you can always get rid of that. My kids are destined to inherit the autistic gene,” everyone exploded into hysterics as you tried to stay composed. “I mean just look at the dad,” you held your arm out to Harry holding his knees up to his chest, laughing with his face hidden.
You watched him and how he was just about taking it like a champ and smiled brightly, before finally moving onto your next victim. “JJ! Good to see you finally making an appearance in a Sidemen video! Dad give you a day off from throwing you about?”
Yep, yep you expected the painful blows. It was Callux who helped you with that one. Even you closed your eyes after saying the sentence.
JJ nodded, expecting that kind of shit after his documentary release with a tight smile. “No but seriously, was it Simon’s guilt-tripping or sucking your cock that made you do this?”
Yep, give them some time to collect themselves again . . .
“No but honestly, JJ, I applaud you for all that you’ve accomplished these last couple years. My heart swells to see you happy in yourself and being your true authentic yourself . . unlike in 2015 when you were welcomingly letting the Sidemen whitewash you.”
Laughter. Tobi was slapping his knee and Simon’s mouth was hung open. You leaned on the stand with your lips close to the mic, “seriously, you were the whitest bitch out of the whole clan,” you paused, “which is tragic because MiniMinter was there.” Simon threw his arms up defeatedly while JJ’s high-pitched laugh echoed throughout. Behz was red with laughter and Harry couldn’t believe these jokes were coming from you.
“No but we’re all so proud of you JJ. Especially since seeing you on the big screen, we can’t believe just how famous our friend is—” you held your hand out to the screen projecting his Laid In America movie poster.
“Fuck sake,” you heard him mumble while everyone including the ones on stage rippled with laughter.
“Josh!” He raised his head at your mentioning of him, “Josh. The oldest of the lot still getting told to grow up,” you gave a moment, “seriously, wind your neck in you old fuck. How do you think people are going to react when you —a 30-year-old— still play video games for a living with little kids?” Ruckus. “Mate. It’s time to get a real grown up job — work in a bank or something, be miserable like the rest of us.”
Thank God Freya wasn’t in the crowd ‘cause one shared look with her and you’d both lose it - go into hysterics.
“Vik, same goes for you. A grown man shouldn’t play Minecraft as much as you do. Seriously, it’s concerning. If you’ve Peter Pan syndrome, just say.” The crowd was losing it. The girls were covering their mouth at your accusation and Chip was stomping his feet excitedly from the back row. You scratched your hair. “I’ll give it to you, the DJ thing is a nice career path. More grown up,” you nodded toward him, “following Jimmy Savile’s footsteps, I see!”
Oh how you would be worshipped after this. Everyone liked you before and thought you were cool — but this just proved what made you different from most of the Sidemen girls. You were simply Harry. It explained why Harry was with you: a ruthless and funny couple.
Pushes their luck, too.
“Yeah, I’m sure you’re bummed people have to be over 18 for these kinds of things . .” you pursed your lips after everyone collected themselves. Leaning tiredly on the stand, you proceeds, “you’re work has been praised through, I’ll give you that. Some are saying you'll be performing alongside The Greats soon . . . for our sake, let’s hope it’s Avicii.”
You loved it. You loved the love you were getting and the attention. The clapping and the laughing, the smiles and the slapping of knees — it was just what you wanted to see.
“Tobi,” you dragged, looking at him to your left, “what can I say? Fuck all to be honest. A wet mop is more interesting than you.” You glanced up to the audience, “at least it absorbs drink and gets fucked about at a house party. You think you’re a bigger man for not drinking like the rest of us? Trust me hun, you’re 5’8. No one’s thinking that.”
Screams. Erupted in screams, all their friends were dying from you. How you said them just made it fucking phenomenal.
You were so serious.
You were such a bitch.
Harry felt proud sitting in that chair.
“Behz, you’re from Essex. Simon—”
It was the same. Screaming and cackling, stomping on the floor. Niko’s face made it hard for you to conceal yours.
“No, but seriously, Ethan . . what happened? You used to be funny - it’s a stigma fat people have, they’re funny cuz they need it to make up for their appearance,” you explained to your viewers, “but now . . well, now you’re just annoying. You may have abs but no one fucking likes you. Genuinely. Everything that comes out of your mouth annoys me. Pack the pounds back on, maybe we’ll finally laugh at something.” It was the obvious target and you hated it but it had to be said and hey — it still had the crowd laughing - including Ethan.
“Simon,” you sighed, leaning on an elbow to watch him. You raised a shoulder. “Your name alone should feel like an insult, imagine having sex and having to moan out that name,” you pretended to get goosebumps whilst the chucking and tee-heeing continued. The boys were a big fan of that proved just how shit their humour was because it was something you’d come up with last minute. “A fucking Inbetweener . . .” you looked out horrifically, “your poor, poor lass.” You stated at him. “Talia — it’s never too late to pull out, honey. We’d get it completely.” You finished with a stacking of your notes, the audience clapping and whooping for your oration — standing to their feet, they applauded your disquisition as you stepped down from the stand with a wave of your fingers. The smile wouldn’t leave your face.
Someone pass the trophy.
View all 14.8k comments
user1: Y/N SUPREMACY
user2: holy fuck harry was destroyed this roast
user3: 35:48 did anyone see harry and y/n looking at each other? 😭😭 like she was warning him not to laugh with her eyes. 💀
user4: ayo i know my man w2s was crying himself to sleep that night
user5: what are all these ødegaard jokes?? i thought it was mount
user6: i heard it was williamson.
user5: Oh really???! 👀
user7: she was in ramsdales gf’s post w him and her
user8: I THOUGHT IT WAS TIERNEY
user9: smith-rowe follows her on insta 👀
user10: loads follow her on insta it’s y/n y/l/n even grealish
user9: yea but it’s grealish 🙄
user11: SOMEONE SAID SHE HOOKED UP WITH ARTETA IM—
user12: now who sayin ben chilwell . . 🤦🏾♀️
user13: BITCH IT WAS MOUNT
user14: harry a soldier fr fr sitting through that, i would have left the second callux said that shi
user15: ik the drug jokes lowkey hurt our bb 🥲
user16: love how we ain’t mad at y/n just tryna figure out who she did lol
user17: THE VIK PART 💀💀💀💀
user18: the wet mop bit 😭😭 did she lie tho?
user19: she’s such a fucking bitch I LOVE HER.
user20: ok but the way harry and y/n’s laughs were in sync the whole time 😢
SIDE+ Behind the Scenes:
“I was honestly close to tears before I went on that stage. Nerves wracked. I suddenly didn’t want to read out what i’d written down.”
Behind the scenes was rolling and before they called you over after a wrap, they caught your little moment of Harry rubbing your back and praising you, assuring you not to feel guilty. “Harry didn’t know what I was writing but I was having a meltdown in our room like ‘Harry, I don’t want to say this, I don’t know what to write’ and he was like ‘everyone’s gonna go for the obvious points: ethan’s weight; his drug problem; tobi not drinking’ – and it made me feel a bit better ‘cause I was like ok fine. But I really didn’t want to point any of those out ‘cause I genuinely would feel bad. I big up those guys with everything, I love them for what they’ve overcome and their, y’know, their morals and commitment to whatever. I would never want to - I would never intentionally hurt those guys, ever. I love them all individually and couldn’t purposefully hurt them, they mean so much to me! They’re good to me!” You expressed you gratitude.
“I text Behz, he was like ‘dw i’m expecting all the fat jokes tm’ and I was like ‘no please,’ because I know for a fact if anyone poked fun of my appearance, I would rightfully bawl my lamps out. I'm a snowflake in that department. And he was like ‘y/n no bother like suck it up’, but I was really - like that is not me, I would never. I have never made fun of him ever in my life with that, I hate when Harry would do it and always shouted at him for it but it was literally the easy option for - for the roast. So, d’you know what I mean? Had I not spoken on the obvious topics, I think it’d be a little concerning? They might think i’m getting a few things off my chest?” you laughed loudly. “It’s all in good fun. I didn’t mean anything . . mostly.”
“I texted all the boys individually saying like - ‘obvs this is a roast, everything I'm saying is so unoriginal and false and just - please do not take offense in the slightest, please. I genuinely mean none of these words obviously’ and they all wrote back like ‘Boooo’ ‘you’re a snowflake!’ ‘big pussycat!!’ ‘snoreeeee’ like hated that I apologised to them in advance? Like huh? Fuck you guys, fine, you deserve it!” You laughed, “No they were gassed by my speech. They really big upped me so . . hopefully they’ll not cry over before bed tonight.” You finished before wrapping up your little big of extra footage to prove to everyone you actually weren’t a cunt. Harry had your hand and dragged you away so you could all make your way to the mini after party where everyone needed a well-deserved drink — the roasters, and those roasted.
Losing it over the fact that the latest episode started with Laszlo (seemingly) completely dejected and despondent, everyone in the house individually convinced that it’s all their fault, and then halfway through dropped Nadja’s detached “maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if we ended up dying?” like a fucking brick but then devoted the final part of the episode to showing that despite the monotony and endlessness inherent to their lives, these weirdos all have so much care and love and devotion for one another even when it’s in spite of themselves, that they all derive so much meaning from their relationships with each other, choosing to end on the note of the Baron’s “I suppose with the right company, it can be beautiful, this eternal existence.” Screaming crying throwing up et cetera
still recovering from the fact that nandor has the card guillermo wrote him memorised. Like when did that happen?? Has he been reading it every morning before he falls into slumber for the last thirteen years? or just since he started feeling like guillermo was slipping away from him and now he’s clinging to memories of his devotion just to feel like it’s still there?
