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#126 Making an Entrance Like the Entire World is Watching

Thomas Jefferson once (probably) said “Every impression you make is a new first impression.” Meaning that every time you meet someone or arrive somewhere, you have a new chance to stick out and establish yourself in their hearts and minds forever. That’s (presumably) why Jefferson always carried a lot of glitter with him that he could throw into the air whenever he walked into a room. All of which is to say that every first impression you make counts. So let’s go over some basics on how to make a dope entrance.

The perfect superhero entrance all comes down to the three D’s, Daring, Dangerous, and Dazzling. Ideally your entrance will leave your colleagues rolling your eyes, your enemies seething with jealousy and rage, and the innocent civilians who really should’ve been evacuated from the area a while ago applauding like they’ve never applauded before. The perfect entrance will leave people wishing you’d just leave already because they can’t wait to see what you’ll do when you come back. The perfect entrance will cause small children on the internet to injure themselves as they try to imitate your inimitable glory.

For starters, you never want to do something that’s been done to death. The perfect entrance laughs in the face of clichés. It does a backflip whilst flipping double birds in the face of cliché. So that means you can say goodbye to doors. Walking into places through doors has been done. They’ve taken you as far as they can, you’ve outgrown them. Ideally you’d teleport into different places whilst striking a cool pose (more on that later but for a an in-depth study on poses see here) but if you don’t have access to a teleporter (or you’re still not over your horrible teleporter accident. Yes, we get it, you used to be Full-Face McGee, it’s been like six months, get over it!) then you’re going to have to get creative. Somersault through doggie-doors (yes, doggie-doors have been done too, but dogs are 23 times cooler than people so it’s still cool to use them). Cut a hole in the roof and then stand on the cutout as it falls into the building below. Dive through windows. Rappel down chimneys. Run straight through a brick wall leaving a cartoonish outline of your body! Really freak someone out by popping out of a drawer you logically shouldn’t have been able to fit into! Go the extra mile and remove all of the doors from your hideout so you’re forced to make cool entrances into your own home even when there’s nobody around to impress!

A minor issue with this method of making an entrance [aside from the unnecessary damage to yourself and tons of property?] is, as with all things, supervillains. Supervillains are, on average, 8 or 9 times more dramatic than superheroes (everybody needs to just trust our math always or get out). So they’ve dreamed up every conceivable way you could dramatically burst into their lair plus dozens more that you never would’ve thought of. (Our supervillain correspondent, Dr. Brainwave, told us he once electrified every surface in his lair in case a superhero came in so he could zap them. He had to putter around with a jetpack for weeks. Nobody ever showed up.) Wait our supervillain what? (Our supervillain correspondent, you know, he gives us the inside scoop on supervillains, and in return we let him live in our basement since his lair is one big bug-zapper.) What are you talking about? (Why did you think we had all those mutant alligators in the basement?) All those WHAT? (I feel like we’re losing focus.) You’re right, anyway, so they’ve thought up every dramatic way you could burst into a room and they’ve set traps on all of them. Which makes apprehending supervillains kind of chore. That’s why we usually just suggest you wait for them to come outside to throw them in jail or punch the evil out of them. But for the moments when time is of the essence and you absolute need to get into a lair your regular levels of daring, danger, and dazzle simply won’t do. You can dial it down, and just walk in through the front door -9 times out of 10 they’ll have dismissed the possibility that you’ll walk into a room like a person and leave it trap-free- but that’s a bit lame no? So you need to dial it all the way up! You’re gonna have dazzle coming out of your ear. Try slipping a tiny pocket-dimension generator on every bad guy you fight so if you ever need to break into the lair you can just activate your generator to the same dimension, and enter their lair through a giant portal while riding a majestic horse and playing the electric guitar while your jetpack choir flies in behind you singing your theme song. Tunnel into the lair using a diamond-studded luxury drill tank (*sigh* we’re still trying to get that Drills for Thrills sponsorship? {Oh sorry are we boring you?}). Or, my personal favorite, don’t even enter at all! That’s right! Fly over them with an airship, rappel down, attach a bunch of hooks or harpoons to the lair or the patch of land surrounding it and just rip it right out of the ground while you fly away. Then you can just drop the entire lair into a prison yard and let the correction officers sort it out from there.

But an entrance isn’t just about bursting out of or through something the common folks wouldn’t. Sure it’s daring and dangerous, but is it dazzling? Is it dazzling enough? Trick question, there can always be more dazzle. We’ve already mentioned some ways to make your entrance more dazzling. There’s the Jeffersonian method of throwing glitter everywhere but glitter is gross and gets everywhere and that’s really more hassle than dazzle. Music is always a must. The louder the song, the phatter the beats, the cooler the choreographed dance, the better. You should start making a dazzling entrance playlist now. Even if you’re not a superhero. (Though I’m not quite sure why you’d be reading this blog. I’m sure there’s a blog that teaches you how to be a bland normal person somewhere.) Everyone can use a dazzling entrance playlist.

You also want to try to say something cool when you make your entrance. In general, I would suggest waiting outside until you hear someone drop the perfect set-up line. Don’t try to force something that isn’t there. Unless lives are at stake. Then I guess you’ve gotta do your job. Try saying something like “Didn’t you hear? They outlawed crime.” Or “Are you an evil doctor? Because it hurts when I do this,” and then punch Dr. Brainwave or whomever right in the sternum. (Hey Dr. Brainwave is part of the How To Hero family now!) We will discuss this later! If you can’t think of anything cool to say, you’re better off not saying anything at all. Just spin around, give a thumbs up and flash that beautiful smile of yours. Unless you’ve just gone a couple of rounds with Shimbob, Collector of Teeth, then two thumbs up will do. Or even double finger guns. Double finger guns are always cool.

When it comes to grand entrances, nobody should ever be grander than you. I want you to hold to world record for grandest entrance. I want you to redefine the word. From now on when people make a grand entrance they’ll say that they’ve pulled a (I wanna say Sherwin? Your name is Sherwin right? Ah I’m terrible with names, sorry Sherwin).

#126 Making an Entrance Like the Entire World is Watching

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