#theandrofile

[theandrofile]

"Yo, dude! It's Eddie. Uh, just wanted to let you know I'm runnin' a little late for your surprise party tonight, had to pick up the cake. Wait…ah shit…you're not…damnit!"

Click.

I was just tryna be nice, do a little somethin' for my best bro's b-day. Oh, wait..bbb-day? That's fuckin' hilarious, he's gonna love that one! I mean, I hope he does. I still don't know what he's into, like, bro's always in his room, just kinda rotting, I guess. Doesn't wanna hang out, doesn't wanna go to the gym, doesn't even say hi when my bros come over. Guess he don't gotta lotta friends? Besides me, I mean.

Man, birthdays are, like, so cool! Uh…like it's a whole 'nother year, and the earth and the sun, like…move…? And you're older, which is cool, too. And you get a bunch of presents, too…

Shit! What am I gonna get him? Think, Eddie, think!

Nope, nothin.'

Ugh, why's he gotta be so…complicated? Bro's got too much goin' on.

And where is he?

I'm startin' to get hungry. Hope he doesn't mind if I take a piece…

[theandrofile]

I've always found it easier to make friends than to keep them.

People come and go. They switch majors or find new apartments, take jobs in different cities or jet off somewhere to reinvent themselves.

I would know something about that.

I want to keep in touch, of course.

Good luck in New York!

It was great working with you. Call me if you ever need anything!

A summer in Portugal? Wow!

I just…don't. But then:

1 NEW MESSAGE: RYAN BIO heyyyyy!!! how r u???

Huh.

Hi, Ryan! I'm doing well. It's been a minute. How are you? didnt think u saved my number lol. I did. We had a project together.

I didn't have to scroll up far to see our last conversation. It was rather one-sided.

yeh u helped me out. If by "helped" you mean did the whole thing for you. lmao no way ur still pissed about that? I mean, I remember it. I don't know if I'm "pissed." why u textin lik its an essay bro??? That's just how I type. ok smartypants lol!!! So…you were saying hi? yeh dude!!! u wanna catch up or somethin??? About what? i dunno. stuff. kinda had a ? 4 u. Okay. can i ft u? just got hom from gym. Sure, just give me a…

"Yo!"

"Hi…"

"Damn, dude, did you lose weight?"

"Yes. I don't want to" -

"Nice, dude, niiicccee!"

"Right. Well, you look…bigger?"

"Yeah, I got this whole new routine now. It's pretty fuckin' awesome, hahaha."

"You had a question for me?"

"Yeah. So, uh, how'd you know you liked dudes?"

"What?"

"I dunno. You like dudes, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay…so, like, how do you know that, though?"

"Please don't say you have a crush on me."

"Nah, I don't. I'm just askin' for some advice." He paused and pressed his eyelids shut for a moment.

"I don't really know how you know," I said. "One day, I just knew. I mean, it took years for me to come out and say it."

"Ah, okay. 'Cus I'm tryin' some stuff…and, uh, it's hot. Like, hot hot. Not gonna lie, bro, it makes me pretty har" -

"Alright, I get the idea."

"Right…But yeah, it's fun. Makes me feel…good."

"What exactly is it?"

"I dunno what you call it. But, there's these guys who just…really like guys like me. Big, dumb" -

"Who says you're dumb?"

"Bro, you carried me through bio. You don't gotta be nice. It's cool." He laughed. "But, yeah, these guys like me. And…I like that, them likin' me, I mean. They tell me how big I'm gettin', and how dumb I look, and how I'm just a big, dumb, bro…" His cheeks reddened. "And it's not just that. 'Cus, like, they want me to keep goin'. Dudes are buying me gear and protein powder and shit. It's…cool. Really cool."

"Who are these guys?"

"I dunno. Just randos, I guess. Some of 'em are pretty chill, some not so much. But I don't really know 'em."

"Well, that's the internet for you."

"Umm…"

"Yeah?"

"Would you wanna tell me some of that…stuff?"

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Just…call me a big, dumb, bro."

"I don't want to yuck your yum, but…"

"Just once? You're, like, helping me explore my sectsuactually."

"It's sexuality."

"See what I mean? I'm dumb as fuck. Bro, please…just once?"

"You're a big, dumb, bro."

"I'm a big, dumb, bro. I'm your big, dumb, bro."

"...Where did that come from?"

"I…dunno." He blushed. "Umm…damn. Maybe I do got a crush on you?"

"Oh?"

He smiled. "Yeah, maybe I like seein' how smart you are. Makin' you do all the work while I'm just your big, dumb, bro."

"And this is all coming out now…because?"

"I dunno, dude. But, like, I wanna do it again. Talkin' to you. Talkin' about this. Maybe meetin' up?"

"In a way…I guess it was nice? Catching up, I mean."

"Yeah," Ryan said, his smile wider. "And we can do more than that."

[theandrofile]

Saturdays are for the boys.

Logan didn't have ideas very often, but I can still remember how his eyes lit up, the way his lips curved into a megawatt smile when he said:

"Bro…what if we hung out, like, every weekend? Just you n' me?"

Another week had passed, and another "day of the dudes" dawned. Logan popped open the passenger door of his car, quickly tossing a tub of protein powder behind him.

"Ah, sorry, dude! I know you're, like, a totally neat freak, huhu. Just, uh…don't look in the back seat."

I waved it off as I twisted myself around a few tubs buried in the footwell. "It's fine. Do I want to know?"

"Free samples…gotta sponsorship deal. Whaddya think?"

"Oh, damn! That's great, man."

"Yeah, huhu?" The megawatt smile flashed again.

"Can I ask you something?"

He nodded.

"Why do you care what I think? I mean, you ask for my opinion on a lot of…stuff. Like what you should wear…"

"Uh…"

"And what exercises you should do…"

"Right, yeah…"

"But like, come on! You really want fashion and workout tips from me?"

"I…uh…"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to interrogate you. It's just…been on my mind."

"What's…that...word mean?"

"Interrogate?"

"Yeah, you're, like, asking me all these questions, dude!" He laughed. "Don't make me think…kinda distractin' while I'm tryna drive n' shit…"

"That's what it means."

"What what means?"

"Interrogation. It means asking questions."

"Oh…gotcha. So…"

"It's okay."

"No…it's cool. I wanna answer. Uh…how…words…" The car slowed to stop at a red light, and Logan turned to me.

"I…don't like havin' to make decisions. That shit's hard, y'know? Like my whole life, parents, coaches, whoever. I just had somebody tellin' me what to do. Go to class. Get to practice. Put your uniform on. Whatever. So…I'm just…used to it." He inhaled. "I can throw on some shorts, or bang out a set, no prob. But when somebody tells me to do that? I like it. And when that somebody's you, bro? Fuck…I like that a lot."

The light changed, and he turned away from me.

"Oh. Oh."

"Yeah," he said, eyes locked on the road. "Yeah."

The rest of the drive was silent until he parked and looked back at me, arm draped over the center console, fingers dangling above my thigh.

"Whatchu thinkin'?"

"I think…I like that, too. I like it a lot," I said. "I like it when you listen..."

"I was hopin' you'd say that, bro. It's kinda…"

"Kinky?"

He blushed. "Uh…it don't gotta be. But, uh...it can be? Do you wanna…?"

"Saturdays," I smiled, "are for the boys."

[theandrofile]

People wanna know my secret: "Luke, how are you so happy?"

I dunno? I guess I just…am?

Like, yeah. It's nice bein' that little ray of sunshine for my bros. Cheerin' 'em up when they're down in the dumps and all that.

I don't think about it too much, y'know? I guess it's like, I don't got room in my brain for, like, all that sad stuff? I gotta lot goin' on up there!

Like, where are my macros at? What pics am I gonna post to socials? When's that party tonight? Yeah, just no space for gettin' sad or angry or whatever. Or if I do…it's pretty easy to hit the gym and work that shit out. Like, there's nothin' throwin' some weights around can't solve.

Pissed off at work? Lift.

Your bro or babe or whoever just broke up with you? Lift.

Just not feelin' it? Lift.

It's kinda crazy how good it feels. Bet there's some super science-y reason, but like, whatever? Endorphins, smorphins, hahaha! Long as it works, y'know? And that shit works.

Uh, what else makes me happy…oh, my bros! Duh. Like, I know so many people who are fuckin' awesome. Don't matter if we're just chillin' or clubbin' or hittin' the gym. It's just good to be around them, 'cus they're just good dudes. The best! And like, they're funny as fuck.

This one time, Chad was like…and I was all like…and then he…ah, guess you kinda had to be there for it? But dude…it was hilarious!

Anyway…it's like havin' your own, uh, support network? Just people who care 'bout you, like you, want you to succeed and shit.

So, yeah! It ain't that hard to be happy, bros. Just be like me.

[theandrofile]

There were years when I called Los Angeles "the Coast," but they seem a long time ago. -Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem

I never did understand California and its people, the dreamers of the golden dream, the spellbound and the slack-jawed who made their way West and never looked back. The whole thing should've been good. Great, even. Never mind that it wasn't. It could have been.

"Dude, I thought you hated In-N-Out. You really want this to be your last LA meal, like, ever?" Brandon rubbed his hands together, eyeing his sauce-slathered fries with anticipation. "Damn…can't believe I just said that. You really gotta go?"

"Oh, I can't stand it here. But I thought all the grease might help wash it down."

He pursed his lips. "Uh…I don't think you're supposed to…drink…grease?"

"It was supposed to be a joke." I frowned. "Sorry."

"Oh. Oh! I get it. Yeah, guess they are kinda greasy, haha."

"Yeah."

"Yeah…"

"So, you all set? Like, need help or anything?"

"I think I'm pretty much set, really. But…thanks."

"Any time, dude!" He smiled, bits of burger stuck between his teeth. "Best roommate I ever had."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"You know what's funny? I'm not sorry about leaving, no offense, but…I don't feel bad about it? I mean, should I feel about it?"

"I dunno. You tell me?"

"Maybe I'm just worrying too much. About…everything."

"Yeah." He slurped some of his milkshake. "Yeah, maybe?"

[theandrofile]

Everything happens for a reason.

But how I ended up at the University of Alabama? Well, I'm still making sense of that. And I'm still making sense of Beau...

AUGUST 15, 2025

"C'mere, dude! It's nice to meet 'ya!" He said, pulling me into a hug. "Been waitin' for this all my life, hahaha. How 'bout you? It's gonna be a helluva year, yeah?"

"Hey," I squeaked. "Yeah…same...? I'm Alex."

"Ooo…nice. You n' me? We're gonna be, like, total Bama bros, hahaha."

"Uh…, okay?"

"So…ya like football? 'Cus I'm on the team!"

"Oh? That's...great."

"I know, right? Gotta keep the tradition alive, hahaha. Dad was on the team, n' I think I gotta an uncle or somethin' that was too."

"What, uh, position do you play?"

"Tight end."

"Oh, okay." I paused. "And…what do they do?"

Beau smiled. "You gotta lot to learn!"

"Right. That's why I'm at college. To learn."

"Yeah, me too! I'm majoring in kinny…kines…kenny-sea…uh…"

"Kinesiology?"

"Yeah, that sounds about right. It's all about, like, exercise n' stuff."

"And stuff?"

"Yeah, like what tight ends do." His smile shifted into a smirk. "How 'bout you?"

"Journalism," I said. "Don't take this wrong way, but are you sure you're supposed to be here? In this dorm, I mean. Surely there's some kind of special housing for you guys on the team, I mean. Especially…here." I threw my hands up, gesturing to the sprawling campus around us.

"Uh…you're kiddin', yeah?"

"What?"

"Dude, this is the athletic dorm…you didn't notice all the guys luggin' gear around here?"

For a journalist, or an aspiring one, I guess I wasn't very observant.

"How am I supposed to live here? You're all…you. And I'm all…me."

"Uh, what's that s'posed to mean?"

"I don't…I don't think this is going to work out."

"Did I do somethin' wrong?" Beau's smile dropped into a frown. "Look, if you're worried about somethin'…you can tell me."

He leaned in closer. "We're roommates, y'know?"

"Oh, I know."

"Well, roommate to roommate?"

"I'm not a weight-lifting, football-playing, beer-chugging, cross-wearing, Jesus-loving, Bible-quoting kind of guy," I gulped. "Pretty much the opposite, actually."

"Okay. So…you think…that's what I am?"

I nodded. He was quiet for what felt like a long time.

"Uh, I don't drink. Not really."

"I'm sorry, Beau." I paused. "That was…pretty judgmental."

"Ain't journalists s'posed to be open-minded?" His smile was back as quickly as it faded. He sighed. "Coach says I should be more, uh, 'well-rounded.'" His fingers curled into air quotes. "So…you bein' here? That'd be good. Real good. 'Cus you could help me write my kinny…kines…kine…ah, whatever essays. And I can help you with…uh…"

"Football?"

"Right!"

"So…maybe you chill out a little, yeah? Getta know me a little more?"

"I'll give it a shot," I said. "We've got a whole year..."

[theandrofile]

Life comes at you fast as a student journalist. One moment, you're cranking out a column. The next:

"So…football. What's that like?"

Lord, help me.

"What's it like? Uh…cool. I mean, I like it. So…yeah."

Football = cool, I wrote in my notepad.

"Oh, could you just say and spell your name for me?"

"Uh, it's Zack. Z-A-C-K. Carver. C-A-R-V-E-R."

"Thanks! I know it's a little…anyway, I just like making sure all that stuff's right for the article."

"Nah, it's all good. Oh, sometimes the guys call me Zack Attack." He paused, staring at me. "You should write that down."

ZACK CARVER/ATTACK, I wrote. "Nice."

"Yeah. So…what's this for again?"

"An article. About you."

"No shit, for real? That's pretty cool."

"My editor seemed to think so. But yeah, just a feature on you."

"You're gonna make me look good, right?"

"I'll do my best," I laughed. "Honestly, I don't know the first thing about sports."

"Damn, you been missing out! Football's life, dude. I just love everythin' about it."

Football = life. "Have you always loved football?"

"I dunno, I guess so?" He leaned back in his chair, fidgeting a little. "Uh, does everythin' I say gotta go in the article?"

"Are you asking to go off the record?"

"What's that mean?"

"It won't be in the article. At all."

"I used to get bullied a lot. Bad. Like, my parents almost pulled me out of school. I dunno if it's 'cus I was heavier, or kinda nerdy or just pissed somebody off. But, like, elementary, middle, high school? Shit sucked. I didn't wanna be the kid everybody picked on. So…I busted my ass the summer before freshman year, n' Coach took a chance on me…"

"Wow. Wow."

"Yeah. I'm just better now. Like, people can call me a 'dumb jock' and shit…but like, whatever? Y'know? Guess I kinda made my peace with that. Like, I know what I'm meant to be."

"Which is?"

"A fuckin' god, dude!" He thumped his chest. "Nah, I'm kiddin'…kinda. But, like, when I'm out on that field or runnin' drills or whatever, I don't gotta stress, don't gotta worry. I just do. I dunno if that makes sense? But it's like…no brain, all body."

"Sort of like instincts, or muscle memory?"

"Yeah, maybe? I don't really think about it. Whatever it is just happens, and…" He paused, that same blank stare coming over his face. "Damn, dude, you got me thinkin' hard!"

[theandrofile]

Liked your photo. You could be a perfect match!

damn u gotta be smart as hell cus those are some long ass answers...didnt read em but ur pretty cute lmao

Damien

Hey! hey ;) So...do you say that to every guy you meet on here? lmao maybe??? why, u mad? cus its true ur cute all lil n nerdy lmao Well, it's true that you're cute too, haha. nah i dont wanna be cute n shit i wanna be perfect Perfect how? like...i wanna be a beast a monster a god just make me fuckin big as hell n dumb as hell just meat and muscle for my bros wdyt ;) Oh... u like that? bro i kno u like that hahaha I do, yeah. so...u gonna make me perfect? I hope so. You seem to be really into the idea...? its not a fuckin idea dude its like...a way of life, yeah? eat big lift big get big but like...ur brain gets all small n shit hahaha feels fuckin awesome tell me what to do bro i wanna get big for u pls bro just tell me bro... bro???

Sorry! Had to step away for a minute.

okay no prob u wanna see my pump? gym went crazy today Sure haha!

gotta get bigger for u bro ;) Well, I think it depends on what you want, like are you happy with your progress? Because you're already pretty big. I don't really know about gym stuff, sorry... thats okay but it doesnt matter not what i want its u dude u gotta make me perfect tell me what u want bro make me do it make me perfect make me urs make me a bro

Are you sure? bro...i am 100% this is what im meant to be dude i just need help please bro make me perfect