Journal #who even knows anymore
Hell tumblr, I haven’t really missed you but i mean the thought is there that maybe i could've.
Me and Noah’s relationship is constant. How should i put it... it’s pulsating. His energy runs through me like its mine. Like we share an energy. Like lightening in and green and red and orange and soft pinks and blues my god I love him. I don’t get tired of saying that.
I could go on and say that he makes me skip in my living room and squeal at the thought of him, and say to my friends every field hockey practice that i want cuddles. I constantly want cuddles. But for right now because I am tired, the well rested tired, not the dead inside tired, that I am happy and amazingly content that we are a constant. He is my constant.
Our relationship was never about our bodies. About our wants. Our relationship grew out of just clicking. The moment I met this kid we clicked. I can always tell what he’s thinking, and even though he's oblivious to most things, and forgets every person he first meets, he remembered my name the moment we met.
He makes me so unbelievable whole. Not to say that I am not a whole person, because I am. I don’t believe in “finding your other half” because you are not half of a person. You are a person. But he makes me feel like he is an extension of my heart. My energy. My heartbeat. When we hold each other we breathe together, like it’s second nature. Kissing him feels like Ive been doing it for a million years. His lips and hands and cheeks and eyes his arms and stomach and legs and feet--that he never wants to show because he hates them for some reason--but socks are just fine thank you, especially when they rub up and down my legs.
Our relationship was based off of sheer luck. A 1% chance that we’d even meet, cross paths, say hi, compliment each others hair, get each others numbers-- like you see in the fricken movies--talk for twenty minutes until literally everyone has left the fucking auditorium and you two are the only ones left in the hallway. That moment I wouldn’t change for the world. And here we are, saying I love you before I like you, holding hands before being in a relationship.
We never broke each others trust. We were a constant then an now. We never said we liked the other person until we knew, and i knew. And he is so undeniably gentle. Rough hands and smooth skin my god how he’s mine is unbelievable.
He says he loves me and i believe him. And i’m not a fool for that. We are never awkward around each other. Whatever we say or do is complete acceptance. We laugh at each other when we laugh at ourselves, because before anything ever, he is my best friend. I tell him everything because i want to. Not because I feel like I should. I look forward to talking to him, even if it’s just once a day, good morning or goodnight. I look forward to calling him, to hear his voice. I look forward to seeing him every week because when he comes over it’s like he never left. Like him living with me is some sort of reality instead of fantasy.
He once told me he forgot that he had to go home after coming over. He honestly had the mental state that we shared a life. And we do, separate, but shared. A town away isn’t going to break my love for him. If anything, it makes it stronger.
He smells like blue. He purposely leaves me t shirts every few weeks because his smell automatically triggers the part of my brain that makes me show affection. Before him I hated compliments. I hated affection. I didn’t know how to show it or accept it. I barely remember that now. How could I not show affection to the most beautiful person in the world? This amazingly gentle tender and heartwarming person that deserves all of the possible love I can muster. He is my sunshine. He is my go to person.
He makes me feel in colors now more than ever.
Yesterday when we were cuddling I fell asleep in his arms and every time I would slip back into consciousness, and realized where I was and that he had his arms around me, my heart literally skipped, like clacked its heels in my chest because I got so excited. Kissing him is green and blue and red bubbles. Sometimes it’s black and white static. Sometimes its yellow swirls. But every time he smiles or looks calm and every time I smile back or squeal or sigh out of complete content and satisfaction.
We are a constant now. And I would say that we have a routine every week, but we don’t. Sometimes its cuddling, and sometimes its walks. Sometimes its talking for two hours, and sometimes it’s patty cake wars because were two nerds who love a challenge. Movies and car rides and naps on chests made of the sun. We are a constant energy together. I can’t see auras, but I can feel us together like everything is right.
I have’t updated in awhile because I forgot I did. I miss him already sure, but I am still happy. I am his, he is mine, we are ours.