This is me at my heaviest, roughly 284 pounds at the age of 18 years old. I say roughly because, like many of you I’m sure, I was terrified of the scale. The only reason I knew I weighed this much was because I had to go to the doctor, and, honestly, if the nurse would not have told me what it said, I would not know to this day because I was too scared to look up to see what I had done to myself.
My weight and self esteem problems started in the 2nd grade. It was my first year at this particular school and I was nervous and excited at the same time. Even though my mom had struggled with her weight her whole life, I never really saw myself as chunky until one particular day on the playground. I was walking towards the kickball field when a group of 1st grade boys started yelling at me. At first, I did not know who they were yelling at, but I turned around anyway. Once I turned around, I realized they were yelling at me. Even though this was 14 years ago, I remember exactly what they said. “Hey you!! Yeah you!! You look like a fat pregnant girl walking around.” I acted like I didn’t hear them, but I went off to cry to myself.
I continued to struggle with my weight all throughout elementary, but then something magical happened...puberty. Yes, you read that right. I started to grow taller and it seemed like I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. It was great...until I stopped growing. I joke that 8th and 9th grade was my prime because that is when I felt the best about my body. I wasn’t as small as the other girls in my class, but I wasn’t far off. At the end of freshman year is when I started to gain weight. I remember weighing and seeing 174 on the scale and thinking that I needed to go on a diet. The next year, I creeped up to the 190s. The next year, it was the 200s. By the end of my senior year, I had weighed roughly 250 pounds. Again, I say roughly because I had reached the point where I didn’t even want to see a scale, let alone step on one. As you can see, that number increased as I went to college, as it does for most people.
Now, back to that day at the doctor’s office. I was 19 years old and I weighed 284 pounds. I should have been enjoying college, doing exciting things, and making friends...but I was eating myself to death. Don’t get me wrong, I made friends and I had fun my first year of college, but it was nothing like it should have been. If I would have been happier with myself, I would have participated in more activities and put myself out there more than I did, but I was so self-conscious. You would think hearing a number like 284 would make you want to kick it into high gear and do something about it, but that was not the case. Even after missing out on so much, I still wanted to sink into my hole of food. Seeing that number, and realizing how much weight I had put on in a short time, and realizing how much weight I had to lose was overwhelming. It seemed impossible, so the only thing to do in my head was to keep doing what I was doing because it was comfortable. But comfortability is dangerous, very dangerous.
It wasn’t until May of this year that I realized that. I found crossfit and it changed my life. Now, I am not saying that you have to do one crossfit workout and your life will be changed forever, or that you even have to do crossfit at all to have this revelation, but crossfit truly helped me find my self-worth. In these short few months, I have realized that I can do things I never thought I would be able to do. I have lost 50 pounds and I have never felt better about myself. I realize I still have a long ways to go, but I am not looking at this as a “quick fix” type of deal. This is a lifelong journey and we have to take control of the reins. Food cannot control us, we control us. It’s not easy, but nothing worth having ever came easy. I definitely do not have all the answers and I will never claim that I do, but my goal for this blog is to help others know that they are not alone, and maybe someone will find themselves within themselves just like I did.