#theparentsproject

[thenoodlenose]

One of the first Tumblr sites I started to follow when I first started "tumblring" was "Everyone is Gay". It's a Q&A/support site for those who seek advice about their sexuality, their relationships, and even how to deal with stress with their work, school, and family. The two women who run the site, Kristin and Dannielle, are charmingly funny, supportive, and provide excellent advice. I really do love reading what they have to say because sometimes, even if the question isn't necessarily mine, I might have a similar issue and their responses have helped. When I came out as bi, this site certainly provided me with some much needed support and just a good feeling of "hey - I'm not alone and what I am and feeling is OK!"

Over the past year or so, they launched a new initiative called The Parents Project. They've turned their focus to parents and guardians of LGBTQ kids and I think this is a wonderful and necessary endeavor. They've done similar work here where they've addressed questions and concerns from parents about how to be supportive and engaging with their children who may be gay or questioning or working through gender dysmorphia. The questions range from simple ones like "how can I talk to my kid about their sexuality" to the more complicated ones like "how can I love my gay child if it's against my faith". They've taken a number of the questions they've received from parents and put them in a book. 

A number of my friends on Facebook have recently had children or have had multiple children. Talking about sexuality is difficult, whether you're the parent or the child. Outside pressures on both tend to keep the conversation to a minimum. The goal of this book is to hopefully give parents the tools for approaching the topic of sexuality and relationships with their children, especially if their child is not heterosexual. I know that most of my friends here are fairly open-minded and that if their child did come out to them, they would be loved and supported and encouraged to be the wonderful beings that they are. But, it's still can be difficult and maybe a little scary.

I'm not saying to immediately go out and buy this book (I'm certainly not being paid to do so at any rate), but I wanted to help spread the word about it. This is an excellent initiative by a duo of women who have helped so many young folks out there on their road to self discovery. I don't have kids now, but I very well might buy this book just to provide me a solid footing for when I do.

[mykidsgay]

“We are lesbian moms who need some help. We have 13-year-old twin boys who have always been inseparable and fantastic about the whole gay moms thing (and they grew up in Utah!) However, Twin A has always seemed "gayer" than Twin B. It's a lot more noticeable as they enter adolescence. We want to create a safe space and let him come out on his own, but don't want B to feel like A is now more "special" for adding to our gay family, and we definitely don't want them to be driven apart by their first difference EVER.”

- Question submitted Anonymously & Answered by Amelia

—

Amelia Says:

First off, let me say that you sound like a really good mom. The fact that you are worried about this shows how in tune you are with your boys, and that is really great. And I totally feel you.  

My oldest son is gay. It's very important to my husband and me that our son feels celebrated for who he is. This is heightened by the fact that his parents are in a heterosexual relationship. We don't want him to ever feel on the outside because he is gay and his parents aren't. But in this celebration, we worry that our other sons will feel left out. To solve this, we try to celebrate all our sons for what makes them each unique. We celebrate our second son as he dominates in Minecraft. We celebrate our third son for choreographing his own dance routines. We try to make being gay just another part of what makes our oldest son awesome. Because who he is is awesome. All of our sons are awesome, each in their own way. 

I think it's all about creating a safe space free from expectation. Yes, we expect our kids to be good human beings, but we don't get to define who they are as people. I think it is important for us, parents, to remind ourselves of that. We need to give them room to explore, all the while knowing their parents have their backs and will always be right there to encourage them along the way. 

I also feel the need to note that just because you have one son who seems "gayer" than the other, until they come out that means exactly squat.  My son who identifies as gay is the most stereotypically masculine of my three boys. He's completely gender conforming. You two might have one gay son (which could be either), two gay sons, or no gay sons. Only time will tell. We have taken to saying we have one gay son and two unaffiliated. As parents, we might have our guesses, but our kids are the only ones allowed to define themselves. It's our job to give them the space and security in our love to figure it out.

Your sons are twins, and you are probably raising them as a unit. We did this with our two oldest boys. They have always been super close and used a form of "twin speak" as toddlers, even though they are both singletons. When their age difference became apparent, watching them grow separately, and in different directions, broke my mama heart a little. I imagine this is only exacerbated with twins. While they are twins, they are two separate people. And as much as it breaks the mama hearts, growing in separate directions is a good thing. They need to explore their differences, but that doesn't mean they will grow apart. 

There is something special about brothers, even more so about twins. No one will be closer to them than their brother. Ever. But that doesn't mean they have to be the same. That doesn't mean they won't fight, piss each other off, and go out of their way to push each others’ buttons at times. But as long as their foundation is in love, they will always have that fraternal link they share with no one else. As they both change and grow in their own unique ways, keep lines of communication open. If they start feeling separate and distant from one another, talk about it. Don't make it something that is happening to them alone; it's happening to your whole family. Make sure your sons know that they are both awesome, each in their own way, and you wouldn't want them to change for the world. You want to be their mom, not anyone else's.

So to sum up: you and your co-mama should keep your minds and hearts open. You are lucky (as all parents are) to have the privilege of raising two amazing men. And part of that privilege is getting to watch who they become.  As long as the foundation of your family is in love, you'll be ok (even when it sucks) because love always wins.

All my love and good wishes for the future,

amelia

***

Amelia is a mother, wife, partner and breadwinner. When not at the office she's spending as much time as possible with her three young sons, husband and best friend. In her copious free time she knits, obsesses about science fiction and cult television, and reads way too many books. She considers her most superhero worthy act finding a couple free hours now and then to read trashy novels. Her post about the adventures of raising a young gay son are featured at www.huffingtonpost.com/Amelia.

Read more on The Parents Project, a first-of-its-kind digital resource for parents of LGBTQ kids.

[mykidsgay]

A Kid's Perspective: Mark's Story

I would be considered a late bloomer coming out. It was my first year in college, in 2008. I was a musical theater major in Hartford, Connecticut, and there was a saying that when you walked into the theater school, everyone would know if you were or weren’t gay. There’s this stereotypical phrase: “Oh, that one is going to be gay by May.”  I was actually gay by April, thank you. One month early.

I will remember the day I came out to my mom for the rest of my life. It was my last day of finals of freshman year. It was 24 hours of hell, and I crammed through all of it. I had to deconstruct a set, finish a 15-page English paper, wake up early, present a final scene in front of all the theater faculty, and talk to my teachers. But everything went very smoothly. I picked up my mom from the train station and we packed up my car, then started driving. We were talking about my freshman year, and she asked, “Mark, did you drink or smoke?” I said, “No Mom. I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink…but I am gay.”

Silence.

My parents are immigrants from Italy (I’m the first generation born here), so I was really nervous, because my family is very, very Roman Catholic. My grandmother prays on her rosary beads every day. It’s one of those things where you’re either going to heaven or hell. My parents, however, are the liberals out of all of my conservative family, so I didn’t know what to expect. She turned a little red, smiled, and then said, “I kind of figured.” She was totally fine with it. She was very, very loving. She said, “Mark, it’s okay. Who you are is who you are. That’s fine.”

Her main concern was for my safety. Literally, the second statement she made was, “All I want you to do is be safe. There are diseases and AIDS everywhere, and there are hate groups and everything. I just want you to be safe and I want you to surround yourself in safe areas.” My parents were prepared to talk to me about sex. They said, "You have to be safe. Man or woman, you have to be safe. This is a world where anything is contracted quickly. Just wrap it. It's so simple. Put a condom on it. Jesus." They weren’t against premarital sex. They told me as long as you love the person, it's great.

I really listened to what my parents had to say about sex—but that was the case even before I had come out to them. I have always viewed their love in a way that made me take my own decisions very seriously. I waited until I was 21 and I was with my first boyfriend. That's considered late blooming. It was my senior year of college, and I finally had found someone, and we waited, and it was that much more special because I felt close to the one I loved.

-Mark, 24

Read more on The Parents Project, a first-of-its-kind digital resource for parents of LGBTQ kids.

[mykidsgay]

Watch: Dannielle Owens-Reid & Kristin Russo, co-founders of The Parents Project, address the question, "My kid just came out to me as gay. How can I support them?"

See more on The Parents Project, a first-of-its-kind digital resource for parents of LGBTQ kids.

[mykidsgay]

Unconditional Love: One Dad's Story

I was sitting on the couch in our living room when my oldest daughter said she had something to tell me.  She sat down beside me and leaned against me, then told me she was bisexual.  I remember saying something that seems kind of inane in hindsight like, “It’s OK,” but that was exactly what I meant. It didn’t make any difference to me. She is my daughter and I adore her. Like any dad, I want her to find happiness and success in life. She’s a wonderful, caring, thoughtful, smart, and very funny person.

Later on, I started to worry about her, of course. She’s already a woman going into a technical field, where she is likely to experience gender discrimination. How much more discrimination might she face now? Will she be able to get married in whatever state or country she winds up living in? Luckily, things are changing for the better. And perhaps not surprisingly, I’ve taken much more interest in and become more supportive of LGBT equality.

It’s been kind of fun, too. We always did things together, of course, but now she’s started dressing more like me (boys’ jeans and t-shirts) so we can agree on the merits of having a pocket deep enough to hold your wallet. She also did a very credible job of dressing up like me for Halloween.

I was struck by how odd it is that LGBT people have to “come out.” Society doesn’t expect you to declare your ethnic heritage, religious beliefs, or lack thereof. And I don’t think most people would worry about how their family and friends would take it if they did. It is so sad to me that kids have to worry about whether their own parents and friends will reject them because of who they are. And it is even sadder that this happens.

If your child comes out to you, the most important thing to realize is that you love them more than ANYTHING. You may feel confused, upset, or even angry at first, but your child has just shared part of who they are with you, and they are waiting to hear that you still love them. This may have changed your world, but they are the exact same person they were before they told you. It’s up to you to let them know nothing has changed your love for them.

Remember that your child hasn’t changed, although your feelings may have, you can still relate to them the same way you did before. It’s OK to be confused and it’s good to educate yourself. But remember that your kids love and respect you, and that rejecting them will only hurt both of you immeasurably.

--Robert, 55

Read more on The Parents Project, a first-of-its-kind digital resource for parents of LGBTQ kids.