V sent us a draft of her summary of what we've worked on with her in therapy, for our next therapist, we're going to go through it together on Monday. I don't know why, considering the last several weeks have been so focused on finding a new therapist, but this seems to have made all of this feel real. We met a potential therapist on Wednesday and I wish I had the spoons to write a long post because it went so well, she was so nice and I can see us working with her.. things are finally falling into place and we may actually have options for a therapist, we might have a few to choose from, but V's summary ended with her saying she's more proud of us than she can say, and I don't know why but that broke something in me. I just keep crying. She's really leaving. I know she's not handled this situation well and we're really pissed at her about a few things, but it's sinking in that we're never going to see her again in a few weeks time. I know we can do it because we've done it before, but I'm so scared of starting with someone new 😭
Alterhuman experiences in therapy & lessons to take with me (TW: mental illness, SA, sexual trauma/shame, themes of intimacy)
Being an alterhuman has played a big part in my therapy journey as of late, and my therapist uses it to drive home my lessons and homework.
“The wolf side of you makes you confident. Focus on that so it drowns out the shame your human side experiences.”
I’m glad that she already knew what therianthropy was before I had to explain it. It made me feel understood and heard. I never felt like a freak in front of her, she simply accepted me and asked me how it affected my inner-self and desires. I explained what being a wolf felt like for me and my wolf-like traits, and she had taken note of it.
She suggested that I get speech therapy tools that are made to withstand humanoid teeth to quell my urge to bite and chew. They would taste less offensive than cheap dog toys.
She makes little quips about my ‘wolfness’, and they aren’t jabs. Just lighthearted, understanding jokes to show familiarity with my identity. For example, I’d say I didn’t care about something useless, and she would say, “I don’t think a wolf would care about that anyway.” I enjoy it.
Recently we had been discussing intimacy-based trauma and how I still felt shame for having simple urges or passing thoughts. It was the environment I raised in. SA and nearly two decades of enforced chastity and modesty does something to an individual. Today, though, she asked me a line of questions that I did not see coming.
“How do wolves show intimacy?”
“Well,” I began, “they show it through devotion. Putting biological urges aside– which don’t apply to me –they tend to show it with physical closeness. I often have the urge to lean my head on my mate. Or bite him. Not to harm, but just lightly put my teeth on him.”
“Wolves nuzzles their mates. And it’s like play biting or mouthing.”
“Right. And they howl together to strengthen bonds– not just mates, but any wolf will. So, I suppose that could be called ‘communication’.”
“And they fiercely defend their families with their lives, which I’m sure you would do.”
“I would.” I nodded. “I definitely would.”
“So, being that you are a wolf, why should you feel ashamed for craving intimacy?”
I didn’t know how to answer her.
“A wolf wouldn’t feel ashamed for its basic needs or for even being born as a sexual being. It has no concept of shame. It just is. It just acts on its needs and bonds with its pack. Embrace that.”
It was such a simple concept, yet I didn’t think of it myself. Sometimes having an outsider’s perspective really does help.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “You’re right, that sounds… smart. I’ll do that.”
We continued through our session til the end where she gave me a last piece of advice and my homework from now on.
“I know you’re still working on connecting with your identity as a wolf because the realization is new and you don’t have a lot of space to explore it, but try your hardest. The wolf side of you makes you confident. Focus on that so it drowns out the shame your human side experiences.”
trauma dump cuz i never knew how hard this topic was to work on and idk maybe i need to release this maybe i need the love idk..
i am talking about csa for the first time over the past month never told the story except once in counseling in college i kind of mentioned it. now i will ramble on idk why don't be mean or weird please. let me speak how life is?
17 years ago while walking to class. i was lost in my own thoughts and not paying attention so i blink and two teenage boys come running at me and slammed me to the ground. one of them climbed on me and violated me while the second boy pressed his hands over my mouth and nose, not allowing any oxygen. as i suffocated and tried to pry his hands off, he laughed at me. at some point in the struggle i realized, this is what dying feels like, i am dying, and this is my last moment and i have no time to do anything but accept it.
ok i was smothered but obv not to death. next thing i saw was them running again away from me. i had no idea what to do so i picked up the backpack that broke my fall then i went to class told NO ONE...for a time. i had never been touched like that. figured that was sex then. fucked that up for me too.
at 29 i talk about it to my therapist and somehow after all these years i have vivid flashbacks that disturb me throughout the day everyday. i leave the present and go to freakish places. i believe it's happening my body teems with the trauma response. like i need protection; i wrap my arms around my chest. i worry again i will die. new pcp gave me prazosin for nightmares which helps.
but what hurts the most talking about this to me is the mess of beliefs i took from it. is it normal to feel you will never be good? to face low self-esteem all the time and feel disgusting physically and socially and struggle with relationships and sex and agoraphobia and wanna give up i have tried really hard i want people to know THAT much and i am trying now on this like event from my childhood that i never healed. but now i guess my heart says it is time which i am glad to release the burden a little.
i feel even more for other survivors of csa and survivors of assault at any age and i love you..i know you can never hear it enough so i mean that i hope we can love ourselves too
edit thank you for the support i think sharing some of our stories can help all of us. my flashbacks immediately faded when i read the story in therapy.
few weeks ago i had to move my therapy appointment bc of work and now surprise surprise my next appointment is tuesday morning and i once again am scheduled for work, i'm just gonna text work that i have to go to the doctor. i ain't got to tell them what for, my mental health is just as important as my physical health and my ptsd is really fucking me up lately so i need that appointment. it's life saving care.
Pretty fucked up to learn that the involuntary reflexes I suppress out of habit because I was raised to believe they're rude (including sighing and yawning) actually serve biological purposes and I'm likely more stressed, tired, and/or unfocused as a result?!?
Depression is a'ragin today. I was basically incapable of getting any work done yesterday, but made it to the gym. I had therapy this morning which was honestly really fucking hard. I knew I HAD to work today because I had two major things due that I promised to my manager. I was able to get those done, and I've also been handling some family stuff for my mom re: her eventual inheritance from my grandma. I'm my mom's Power of Attorney because she's spent the better part of my adult life being a complete shit show and up until 6 months ago, my Aunt was her PoA. They are no longer talking because of family drama so I am getting things squared away for her.
Something I was talking about in therapy today is how I always end up taking care of everyone else, and I've never really had someone take care of me. I don't know if it's realistic to even want that, but I would love, someday, if there was someone who wanted to take things off my plate, make my life easier, consider me and my wants. It's hard being put together for everyone and feeling like I'm just not valued unless I'm doing something for them. I didn't realize how often my husband took me for granted until I've been recovering all of this shit that I just brushed off time and time again.
I want someone to give a shit about me, to be honest
