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Childhood is worrying that your parents will get divorced.
Adulthood is wishing that they did.
(This was supposed to be a shitpost but now I'm sad)
Messaged my ex yesterday to coordinate dropping off Harper today and asked if a certain time would work, because I'm meeting a friend at 1 (also being nice driving her to him because it's his turn to come get her), and I can see he read it but didn't respond. This drives me nuts. I'm sure he's just annoyed I have a time constraint because then he can't talk at me for x amount of time. Just. Gah. We were supposed to meet at a brewery and chat because we have shit to talk about, so maybe I'm the rude one. But I literally told him I had plans over a week ago.
Me, while family drama is going down with the ex-in-laws
Everything I own fits easily in a 5x10. This all came from a 2650 sq ft home. I'm fuckin wrecked and this weekend sucked
updates
Found an appraiser for the house and getting that coordinated today, because she needs access so I need my ex to either be available or be ok with me coming and letting her in.
Work is meh - I am still not on a project (9 months and counting) and while they keep saying what a great job I'm doing (internal work - research, RFPs, business development, volunteering events, etc) I still feel like I'm failing which is so fun.
Had a nice time on my date last night, we watched the Hunt and had indian food, and just cuddled on the couch. At one point the movie was over and we just laid there talking for a while and he said "you're a peaceful person, you always make me feel safe and comfortable" and that was incredibly sweet. I said I'm a reflection of my environment, so if he feels that, it's because he gives me space to reflect it.
Tattoo is healing up, it's in the sloughing phase which I hate and I want to pick at it lol.
I'm scared to finalize the divorce, and it's not scared as in I'm making the wrong decisions, it's scared because it's closing the last 1/3 of my life. My birthday is on Saturday, I'll be 35, and it's the first one I've spent alone in 12 years. Next steps are scary, hard, and painful, but I have hope it'll get better.
Was supposed to go over to the house today to start packing since we've basically cleaned everything, chosen things to throw out and keep. But i messaged yesterday on timing and he messaged me this morning saying he had a late night and it's Father's Day so maybe not today. I'm a bit annoyed, but it is what it is. I honestly forgot it was Father's Day, my dad passed away almost 21 years ago so 🤷♀️ next weekend I won't be packing either because it's my birthday and I have plans that don't include crying in my old house. Means the last week of June is going to be busy as fuck
Bleh.
Depression is a'ragin today. I was basically incapable of getting any work done yesterday, but made it to the gym. I had therapy this morning which was honestly really fucking hard. I knew I HAD to work today because I had two major things due that I promised to my manager. I was able to get those done, and I've also been handling some family stuff for my mom re: her eventual inheritance from my grandma. I'm my mom's Power of Attorney because she's spent the better part of my adult life being a complete shit show and up until 6 months ago, my Aunt was her PoA. They are no longer talking because of family drama so I am getting things squared away for her.
Something I was talking about in therapy today is how I always end up taking care of everyone else, and I've never really had someone take care of me. I don't know if it's realistic to even want that, but I would love, someday, if there was someone who wanted to take things off my plate, make my life easier, consider me and my wants. It's hard being put together for everyone and feeling like I'm just not valued unless I'm doing something for them. I didn't realize how often my husband took me for granted until I've been recovering all of this shit that I just brushed off time and time again.
I want someone to give a shit about me, to be honest
I went on a walk with my mentor on Tuesday and she hadn't seen me since post-Japan trip/contemplating leaving my husband insanity. She remarked how much lighter and younger I look and I looked back at photos recently and I can see what she means.
Even though things are often hard in this process, and my husband still has the ability to say the things that hurt me to my core, I'm just honestly a happier person.
My therapist and I also met on Tuesday and at the end of our session she remarked it had been 6 months since we started working together, and she wanted to leave me with the thought of how much power Anthony had over me then, and how little power he has over me now. It was nice to hear from her, and to realize it's true.
Divorce is hard. But soon it'll all be a memory.
