#therapy stuff

[wolfy-is-a-wolf]

Wolf in Progress

Alterhuman experiences in therapy & lessons to take with me (TW: mental illness, SA, sexual trauma/shame, themes of intimacy)

Being an alterhuman has played a big part in my therapy journey as of late, and my therapist uses it to drive home my lessons and homework.

“The wolf side of you makes you confident. Focus on that so it drowns out the shame your human side experiences.”

I’m glad that she already knew what therianthropy was before I had to explain it. It made me feel understood and heard. I never felt like a freak in front of her, she simply accepted me and asked me how it affected my inner-self and desires. I explained what being a wolf felt like for me and my wolf-like traits, and she had taken note of it.

She suggested that I get speech therapy tools that are made to withstand humanoid teeth to quell my urge to bite and chew. They would taste less offensive than cheap dog toys.

She makes little quips about my ‘wolfness’, and they aren’t jabs. Just lighthearted, understanding jokes to show familiarity with my identity. For example, I’d say I didn’t care about something useless, and she would say, “I don’t think a wolf would care about that anyway.” I enjoy it.

Recently we had been discussing intimacy-based trauma and how I still felt shame for having simple urges or passing thoughts. It was the environment I raised in. SA and nearly two decades of enforced chastity and modesty does something to an individual. Today, though, she asked me a line of questions that I did not see coming.

“How do wolves show intimacy?”

“Well,” I began, “they show it through devotion. Putting biological urges aside– which don’t apply to me –they tend to show it with physical closeness. I often have the urge to lean my head on my mate. Or bite him. Not to harm, but just lightly put my teeth on him.”

“Wolves nuzzles their mates. And it’s like play biting or mouthing.”

“Right. And they howl together to strengthen bonds– not just mates, but any wolf will. So, I suppose that could be called ‘communication’.”

“And they fiercely defend their families with their lives, which I’m sure you would do.”

“I would.” I nodded. “I definitely would.”

“So, being that you are a wolf, why should you feel ashamed for craving intimacy?”

I didn’t know how to answer her.

“A wolf wouldn’t feel ashamed for its basic needs or for even being born as a sexual being. It has no concept of shame. It just is. It just acts on its needs and bonds with its pack. Embrace that.”

It was such a simple concept, yet I didn’t think of it myself. Sometimes having an outsider’s perspective really does help.

“Yeah,” I muttered. “You’re right, that sounds… smart. I’ll do that.”

We continued through our session til the end where she gave me a last piece of advice and my homework from now on.

“I know you’re still working on connecting with your identity as a wolf because the realization is new and you don’t have a lot of space to explore it, but try your hardest. The wolf side of you makes you confident. Focus on that so it drowns out the shame your human side experiences.”

And I will.

[felis-the-complex-multiple]

My brain is kinda breaking with all the connections it’s not supposed to be making and that I’m not supposed to talk about. I tried to write them down so I wouldn’t forget, and to try and make sense of them, but my brain is struggling to hold onto them. It’s like trying to think in a foreign language. The words are kinda there but I have to search so hard for them. And when I put them together I’m not sure if it’s the right order or if it makes sense.

I couldn’t access any of the emotions in EMDR this time…my brain was like, yeah we tried the whole feelings thing last week and it was Really Fucking Bad, so now we’re just gonna detach and intellectualize. E said it was okay and that things were going just how they should be and my mind knows what I need in order to heal. But I’m also like eh we’re gonna have to go back over that segment again, aren’t we? Because I don’t feel like I processed it. I just detached from it and glossed by it.

But my brain is definitely putting pieces together and I don’t like the story it’s telling. I mean it makes a lot of sense in a way, but also doesn’t make sense because I can’t hold onto it and sometimes it’s like trying to grasp water. Anyway my head feels dizzy.

[mischiefmanifold]

hey guys guess what my therapist told me today:

it's totally normal to view most of your interactions with other people similarly to how villager interactions in Minecraft work (I give you something and you give me something, transactional relationships)!

this is mostly for my fellow cluster B's who struggle with feeling like everyone around them is an NPC and that their interactions are incredibly superficial

that's normal, especially for survivors of complex trauma like us

[maemaybe]

I can't remember the pseudonym I used for that little part I talked about in therapy last time. It stated with a "D" but I can't remember what it was. Was it Delilah?

Anyway, I spent most of therapy talking about her and how my relationship with my partner has actually decreased my phobia of her. Telling my partner about "Delilah" and having her respond with "she sounds like a little me" just shifted my entire perspective.

My therapist was so respectful in trying to create a place that felt safer for this part. She didn't even use the word "safe space" because she recognized how insulting that felt to a part who feels like the entire world is unsafe.

But we got to a place where I could meet her there in that place and offer her some reassurance. But she still feels like a ghost to me and I think I still look like a monster to her. Strangely, I found two teenager parts I know very well were able to enter her space freely, and they behave like they know her well, like they've always known her. I'm smothering down the urge to react with "Well you could have told me!"

The other surprise was the reaction to my therapist asking if she needed anything. This part feels so small and passive and weak to me. But immediately the answer was an image, not words, and image of weapons - blunt instruments to fend other people off. I felt so unsure that I asked my therapists permission. No one has ever asked for weapons in their safe space before. Well, Rory asked for a bat, but that felt different. My therapist said of course, she needs to defend herself, but I can't imagine her wielding this weapons. I don't think she could even lift them.

I feel crazy writing this all down. I felt crazy during the session. You would think that this would get easier, but it hasn't. Actually, I feel like it's getting harder. Like there's a voice in my head going "Haven't you outgrown your imaginary friends yet?"

[clever-and-unique-name]

Me to my therapist: I knew the ways I was feeling were completely irrational and over the top, so I was just trying to get myself grounded and back under control.

My therapist: Okay, but the ways you were feeling sound completely normal and reasonable to me given the circumstances.

Me:

[senyaichiya]

‘i love you and i love the way you do things and the next time you draw for four uninterrupted hours or don’t eat until 4pm i will kick your (our) ass in’

[theglowsociety]

#1 YOUR SHADOW ISN’T FCKING EVIL

[psy-ay-ay]

he's smiling, he's happy, he's enjoying karuta, he's healing