#thinking it over

[samsi6]

Thinking it over...

[howifeltabouthim]

You must say frankly if you feel you don't want to, or that you'd like to think it over.

Iris Murdoch, from The Philosopher’s Pupil

[kitsune-kaos]

Oh the temptation to post hoe pics for attention

[renee-writer]

The Contract Chapter 18 Thinking it Over

She ponders what Jamie had asked the rest of the day and into the next. It makes sense. Co-parenting is easier with the parents in the same house. But, was there more? That is what has her hesitating.

If it was just about the bairn, she would actually be more comfortable. There is safety in boundaries, in clear lines, in well established roles. Her as the child's mum, Jamie as daddy, and they both responsible equally for the well being of the child. But, having him say that he wants to wake up beside her each morning.

“What is that about?” she says to herself. She is sitting on her love seat, her hands resting on her abdomen. “What did your daddy mean?” The problem is, deep inside she feels the same. That scares her. She isn’t good with love, with relationships. Finding herself in one, with the father of her child, it should be a joyful time. It is, to an extent. But, for the fear.

“It was to be a fling, at the most. How in hell did this happen?” she muses as she rubs her stomach. “How did I end up falling In love?” Her hand flies to her mouth like she had shouted that aloud instead of just thinking it.

“Bloody hell, I love him.” She says. ‘”I love your daddy. That is good for you but freaks your mum out a bit. I don't do love well. Now, I will love you. I already do, little lima bean. It is just other relationships. They are the problem.” She gets up and starts to pace. “Do I tell him? What if, despite what he says, it is just about sex and you? Will I be setting myself up for heartbreak?” She walks through her small flat before realizing it isn’t enough. She gathers up her jacket and heads outside. She starts walking the streets of her neighborhood. “And what of Murtagh. Your daddy's Godfather already hates me. When he finds out about you and then if we move in together? Christ, little one. What am I to do.”

She walks until she must rest. Until she has determined that she must, at least tell him. So, she slips into a coffee shop and calls him.

“I need to talk to you.”

[gameraboy2]

1926

[likesummerrainn]

gonna say something a lil outta pocket...................

[iverna]

I’ve been thinking about the feedback-in-fandom debate lately and I just want to say: “Given The Choice” wouldn’t exist without the support from people reading it. And by support I mean reblogs, tag comments, AO3 comments, messages, basically anything that’s people telling me, with words, “I like this”.

Every time I post a new chapter, there are a fair amount of people who’ll “like” it on Tumblr or leave kudos on AO3. I do appreciate that feedback. I assume people have their reasons for leaving that kind of feedback, and that’s totally fair. But being completely honest here, if that’s the only kind of feedback I got, I would’ve quit writing that fic by now.

And that’s not because I write for reblogs/comments/messages or for any kind of “popularity” or whatever. I love that fic. I love writing it. But I think writing a 200k+ word epic would feel like a gigantic waste of time to me if I didn’t know that other people were enjoying it and wanted to read more, and the only way for me to know that is if they tell me. I’ve abandoned fics before because no one really seemed to care - and that’s fine, sometimes things don’t resonate with others and that’s totally valid. If a fic doesn’t interest you, don’t read it. I don’t read fics that don’t interest me, either. And maybe those fics end up abandoned, but... the way I see it, that just opens up time and effort to create something different that maybe other people will like.

It’s hard to explain this without it coming off wrong, because it’s not like I rely on external “validation” to motivate me. I can motivate myself just fine. But this fic started out as a one-shot. It became a multichapter because people told me they’d like to read more, and I thought about it and found that there was more to the story and I could tell it, so I wrote more. So from the start, it was this case of, I’ll write more as long as people want to read more.

I realise that might put me in the “only doing it for attention” pigeonhole for some people and all I can say is, if I wanted attention, I’d write fics based on popular tropes, or fics with lots of kissing and smut. If I wanted attention, there are easier ways to get it than writing 200k+ words of slow burn canon divergence. Most of my one-shots easily get more notes than my GTC chapters. So if I just wanted notes, I’d write those.

I posted two one-shots recently. One is 12k words and took me weeks. The other is under 3k and took me a day. The latter got more notes, and I’m pretty sure I know exactly why. Trust me, if I wanted notes, I know the kind of stuff I need to write, and it’s not stuff like GTC.

Anyway, the point is: GTC wouldn’t exist without people commenting on and reblogging each chapter (if that’s you: thank you, you’re the best). I’m very grateful that it does exist and I’m proud of it, but I feel like it’d be pretty disingenuous for me to take all the credit and act like I’m doing it by myself, because I’m really not. I’m doing the writing, but this isn’t like the original novel I’m writing by my actual self with no feedback from anyone, this is different. This wouldn’t be happening if no one cared. I just want to offer that as a perspective, I guess.

Moral of the story, I guess, support the content you like if you want more of it. If you don’t care whether there’s more of it, that’s fair. If you don’t like something, that’s fair too. And no matter what, there’s no obligation, no blame, and no guilt, but there is a bit of cause and effect.