#thinking-upside-down

[thinking-upside-down]

I Don’t Like How I Act On Tumblr

3.10.19 A huge reason why I lose friends is that I don’t like how I act around them. I don’t like when I try to act like someone I’m not around people. I find it really easy to act cool and like I don’t care, or that I’m cool and older and a role model, but I don’t like acting that way. I like being able to be honest and awkward and caring. I like to be seen as someone who wants to unlock the secrets of the universe and figuring out why people do what they do. I want to be seen more for who I am rather than the beliefs I have. Yeah, I’m trans, but I don’t want to be followed because I’m trans. Yeah, I’m an atheist-agnostic, but I don’t want to be followed because I’m atheist-agnostic. Yeah, I hate porn-bots, so back off, porn-bots. I just want to be seen as another person who posts about his struggles. That’s really all I am. I’m just a kid trying to survive while sharing his life on the internet and picking off hair from his clothes since he sheds so very much. I’m not trying to search for drama, and I’m not trying to complicate things. I’m just here to talk and to coexist. I’m going to try improving, but that also might mean that I won’t post as often since I have already deleted one post before publishing it between the release of this one and the previous one. It is hard to write things when you can’t think of how to phrase them correctly. Please ask me questions in the meantime. I’d rather be seen by you as a fellow person than as some Social Media God To Be Worshipped. I’m just a person trying to see the points of view of all individuals. There are some people who are conservative that are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. There are some liberal ideas that I don’t agree with. I’m not saying there is a right or wrong way to fall politically. The only wrong way I can think of is intentionally hurting other people without a good reason. In this case, a good reason would have to be specific, like if this person had really high self-confidence that could be getting them in danger, and even then, it would be more criticizing their ego than their actual self. Or, maybe, if this person seriously hurt someone else (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) and hasn’t shown remorse towards said person. We can respect other people without agreeing with them. A lot of times, when I get emotional about a topic, I rant about it on Tumblr. I’m sorry about that. That makes it sound like I’m a hypocrite, talking about respecting other opinions and then ranting about other opinions. That was never my intention, and I will do my best to stop. I’m going to try to be better. I’m always trying, but I’m letting you know that I’m not doing nothing. I’m also going to try to post some sketches I’ve been working on for a story and some art progress that I’ve been making. I don’t want a trans account, I’m more than trans, so I’m not going to talk about being trans all the time. Yeah, it affects me constantly, but it doesn’t define me. Here are some little human things about me: - I just ordered a dress shirt printed with tyrannosauruses riding bicycles (I only fit XXL boys’ and XS men's’ clothes) - I begged my parents for my own recycling bin for months - I really really really love hoodies - My favorite movies when I was younger were “The Aristocats”, “The Land Before Time”, “Cars”, “Stuart Little”, and “Harry Potter”. - I have always wanted to be a writer but only recently have I considered screenwriting or drawing as a career. - I feel guilty and depressed if I act in a way I don’t like or if I’m feeling too happy, even if both would be completely okay to another person. - My favorite flower is a dahlia. - I make dragons from “How To Train Your Dragon” out of rubber bands. I generally follow tutorials on YouTube by Cortney Nicole, but I have made several original dragons that actually look realistic based off of the skills I’ve learned. - I have a slight obsession with groundhogs. - My mom’s nickname for me is “chicken”. - I love safety pins and paper clips. - My hope is that one day I can spend a week living on a train that travels around Canada by myself and it will be the most productive week of creativity and inspiration. - I am scared that alien life might not exist, and I am scared of the end of the world. - The worst nightmare I ever had was where the world was ending, and I had an opportunity off the planet, but I couldn’t find my best friend, and I wanted to die. I woke up sweating and crying, and I still think about it a lot. - I also really want to build a miniature city one day and have it sit on a table in my house one day. - I kind of want to be rich one day, live in a small apartment, and spend my money on my neighbors’ food and charity and gummy Lifesavers. - My sink is clogged with hair at all times. - I always carry three BIC Velocity pencils with me at all times (one 0.5 graphite, one 0.7, one 0.9). There’s probably more, but this is already a long list. That’s it. I’ll keep trying to improve. There is an answer; you will find yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

Coming Out to Teachers

2.9.19 Hiya! Just providing some ideas as to how to come out to certain teachers. There was going to be a cool intro for this, but I forgot it, so I’m just going to get into it. OH WAIT I just remembered. For trans and nonbinary people around my age (or really just people in school), calling attendance, writing a fake name on papers, and being called out in class can be stressful. The only way, from my experience, to feel better as yourself is to come out to teachers. Also make sure that it is safe to come out and that you are comfortable and ready to come out. Therefore, behold this post that will help you come out to teachers! FOR TEACHERS YOU KNOW WILL ACCEPT YOU: These are the kinds of teachers that have some sort of item showing they support LGBTQ+ students or maybe they’re a neighbor or a family friend or even a family member. I find it best to meet with these teachers in private and ask them to call you by your name. Sidenote: I also find it best to say “my name is actually Sam, not Sheila” instead of “I’m trans.” The first one is subtler, and if these teachers are sure to accept you, they’ll immediately get it. Sidenote to my sidenote: My name is not Sam and my legal name is not Sheila. You can also ask them to avoid your first name when they call on you. They can point at you and make eye contact, or call you by your last name or a nickname. This can also cause the teacher to not separate the class by boys and girls - however accepting the teacher is, it doesn’t guarantee the class will also be. Remember to keep these teachers updated on what’s happening in your transition. It’s also important to tell them whether or not you’re out to your parents (parent-teacher conferences and legal stuff and all). FOR TEACHERS THAT SEEM NEUTRAL: It’s easier to write a note to them to turn in with an assignment or before/after class. They might call you aside a couple days later to ask some questions. There isn’t really a lot to be said here. If it goes well, refer to the part above. If not, the one below. I’m really trying to come up with an idea of what to say here, I just don’t know what to say, I’m sorry . . . Really just be prepared for questions and explanations. FOR TEACHERS THAT SEEM LIKE THEY’RE FAKING ACCEPTANCE OR ENTIRELY UNSUPPORTIVE: This is a teacher who might have a sign in their room that says everyone is welcome but has been known to say rude things that might categorize people or assume things about a person’s lifestyle. Basically, schools are expected to be liberal and accepting and this person doesn’t (entirely) agree but wants to keep their job. Please don’t come out to this kind of person until after a principal, guidance counselor, parent, superintendant, etc. knows about you. These individuals have the power or access to power to make teachers refer to you by your preferred name and pronouns. If you aren’t comfortable with a question or questions that they ask - as in a really personal question that they wouldn’t ask anyone else - tell someone. Namely a guidance counselor, police officer, parent, principal, etc. If a teacher is asking inappropriate questions, they aren’t fit to be a teacher. You know that one thing where it asks couples who think they’re ready for children if they’re prepared for having kids with autism, kids with physical and/or mental disabilities, kids who are LGBTQ+, kids with depression, etc.? That applies just as much to teachers. Kids who experience low self-confidence and identity struggles need to be able to be honest to the people they see every day. If these people don’t accept a kid or treat them with respect, that will make life even harder for said kid. Wow, that was a small rant. Anyway, the best way to come out to this kind of teacher would be in private with a friend or accepting teacher or principal or parent who knows. And if everyone in your class knows you by your actual name and pronouns and your teacher simply refuses to acknowledge this, taking a stand with someone of power, including your class, is your only option if you want to be regarded as who you are. BONUS: SUBSTITUTES Just pull them aside before class and ask if they can do attendance silently or call you by your actual name or skip you in the name-calling. That is not a lot of information, but substitutes don’t follow the same rules as other teachers. I hope that this helps, I believe in you, good luck! There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

An Update

2.15.19 Hello to the nine people who follow me (thirteen if you include advertising bots but I do not). I hope things are going well for all of you, as well as any stranger peoples who have stumbled on this post. Welcome! Anyway, so first thing, I came out to my mom! She’s very accepting, but she hasn’t started calling me by my name and pronouns yet since she doesn’t want my dad to catch her and accidentally come out for me. I get about one or two awkward questions per day from her (today it was about penises), but it could be so so much worse. I also had a meeting with my principal about changing my name on class registers and locker room policies. None of it is happening immediately, we’re waiting until my dad starts to see that I’m not making things up and begins to be okay with it. I haven’t even told him yet, my family and I have been stressed about how to tell him for a while. It’ll take a while. A word of advice to anyone going through any similar situation: Patience. Everyone is going to give you the “be patient” speech. If you’re already willing to be patient, it seems unnecessary once they start it and makes them seem dumb. To me. If you want to make them seem dumb to someone, be an awesome, kind, patient person before you’re asked to be. As for my dad, when I come out to him, assuming disaster doesn’t strike, I will make a Tumblr post within 24 hours. I don’t need to make a post about how accepting my mom is. People are more worried about unaccepting parents. As of right now, my focus is on some creatures I’m making for a story (pictures will be uploaded later). They are amazing, and I really want to keep improving them. They need a name too . . . Just keep in mind, people, that you’re more than a gender or a sexuality. You’re a person with talents and interests, not just a label. I am a writer, and I am writing. And studying. Those are my focuses right now.

I know this is a short post, there wasn’t really a point to it. I hope you’re having a good week, and if you aren’t, I hope it gets better. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

Assuming Pronouns

2.6.19 Greetings. I think this will be a short post, I just want this topic to be better understood. The majority of people in society go by he/him and she/her pronouns, but, like nearly every rule, there are exceptions. Some individuals prefer to be referred to as they and them, singular. Unlike he/him and she/her, they/them pronouns aren’t affiliated with either gender. They can be used for individuals of no gender, multiple genders, a third gender, or just as a neutral way of expressing acceptance. There are other neutral pronouns as well (ze/hir, ey/em, etc.), but these are not accepted by everyone. And the same goes with singular they/them pronouns, too. But that isn’t what I’m trying to talk about now.

I had a friend last year who consistently referred to everyone as they and them, believing that it was rude to assume someone’s gender. And, of course, it is rude, but my friend didn’t have the best approach. While they and them are neutral pronouns, not everyone wants to be seen as a gender-neutral being. Some people have very strong senses of gender and prefer other pronouns. Coughtranspeoplecoughcough And some cis people as well, but I know many trans people who feel like they aren’t passing well enough when referred to by they and them pronouns. Plenty of substitute teachers and classmates of mine assume I’m female and use she/her pronouns because I’ve never corrected them and was okay with those pronouns before and because of my feminine legal name. That is a PERFECTLY FINE thing to do. Assuming gender and pronouns is never a good idea, but people have the unfortunate tendancy to try to figure it out anyway - it’s like how we categorize people in boxes. It’s a natural mental thing, we can’t fix it in every individual, and at best, maybe a few. The best thing to do for learning people’s pronouns is asking them - not anyone else unless they’re very close. Using the wrong pronouns can have really negative consequences for a person, and harm can be done without even being known or realized. It’s okay that they’ve been using the wrong pronouns for you for a long time, as long as they respect your new ones. And, while we’re at it, a round of applause, please, for indviduals using they/them pronouns. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

My Cat and Why She is Delightful

2.25.19 Heelo there. I’ve noticed that a lot of the things I’ve been posting have been serious, sometimes political. I was considering making a post on whether raising young kids as trans is okay, but I don’t want to be known as “that trans guy who talks about politics”. Yes, politics are important in my life, but I don’t want to be seen purely under a political spotlight. I don’t want to appeal to a group of people who have similar beliefs for affirmation, I just want to speak out to anyone willing to listen. But my life revolves around so much more than being trans or being atheist-agnostic or being asexual. I just don’t like talking about my personal life in detail online. For example, I am also a cat lover. I have a ten-year-old black shorthair named Pepper who also goes by Peppy, Pepita, The Cat (trademark symbol), Dr. Pepper, fuzzeasel, fur weasel, Pepita Fuzzita, and furry old lady. I don’t call her by all/most of these names, and most people know her as “the scary cat”. She hisses and attacks people sometimes. I have multiple scratches from times I have protected individuals from her and gotten in her way myself. She hates it when people get in her face, and she has a history of attacking little girls (friends of my sister and daughters of family friends). But she only does that rarely. I love my cat. She’s not always happy, but neither am I. She sleeps with me the majority of nights, and she likes to sit on my lap while I pet her. Some nights, we sit by the window together and watch the stars. She has a really loud purr that is instantly calming, and she likes kneading soft blankets. Along with soft blankets, she also likes toy mice, YouTube videos of birds, a pouch of catnip that is nicknamed “her baby”, window watching, cat beds, Greenies cat treats, an assortment of boxes, and anything with corners to rub her face against. Also me. The two of us have a lot of pictures where she’s curled around my head or we’re sleeping next to each other on the floor. Her purr is really nice, but she has a tendency of screaming instead of meowing. She’ll run into my room at full speed, stop by my bed, scream, then run out, and this will be before the sun rises. I really like cats in general, but I’ve known Pepper since she was a kitten, and sometimes I think she might see me as her giant human kitten. She matters a lot. She does have some minor health issues, and she has had two near-death experiences in which she had to stay at the vet for a while. She somehow survived both, but we don’t know how strong her immune system is now. Cats have an average life expectancy of around 14/15 years. I am getting worried that she might not live, but I think she knows that I love her. I’ve got to take a shower soon, and after I’m ready for bed, I’ll go find her and bring her to my room, and she’ll probably curl up in a ball at my feet (I kick in my sleep, so she sleeps as close as possible while being far away from me). Nothing against dogs. Dogs are fantastic and lovely and amazing. I just really really love my cat! I recommend offering a minute of your time appreciating each of your pets. Fish are optional (I have a thing against fish). Have a good day/night. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

Masculinity and Femininity

1.6.19 The LGBTQ+ community, from my perspective, has been around to provide acceptance to people who don’t fit the societal norms of male and female as defined by straight cis individuals. It is a place where you can find others like you and celebrate your differences without feeling ashamed. But it really hasn’t been lately. I’m talking about how people have the internal need to classify things into little boxes. I won’t lie that I don’t do this because it’s a human thing that our minds do to better understand things. Lately, I feel though that the community has been shouting to straight and cis individuals that this categorizing is wrong all the while doing it among its members. My favorite YouTuber, who also goes through the same gendery struggles that I do, was criticized for denying something because it felt too masculine for him. A lot of people didn’t understand that - “a trans guy not wanting to be masculine? That doesn’t make sense.” Okay, but get rid of the word “trans” in that thought (”a guy not wanting to be masculine”). It sounds almost like a box has been created defining what maleness and masculinity are. But there are plenty of cis guys who aren’t necessarily masculine. And a lot of things now are losing the gender roles previously assigned to them (make-up, children’s toys, etc.) Femininity is a more flexible box but still a box. Cis females are free to wear clothes used by males in the past (jeans, plaid shirts, etc.), but only if it’s a female version of that item. Trans boys and gender-non-conforming girls can get away with a lot - there are female versions of a lot of “masculine” clothing items that transphobic/homophobic parents will allow. But masculinity is a box of steel. Trans girls and gender-non-conforming boys don’t have those kinds of opportunities. Little boys playing with dolls and wearing makeup isn’t as accepted as little girls playing with trucks and wearing clothes from the boys’ section. But even when people come out as trans, others place them into boxes. If a trans girl were to say that she didn’t want to wear a dress to a formal event, she’d be ridiculed by at least one person. “But aren’t you a girl?” “Girls are supposed to like dresses though.” “But if you don’t wear a dress, how can you consider yourself a real trans girl?” I think that needs to stop, and that we need to create new boxes that better fit us. I feel like a boy. He/him pronouns have always felt better to me than she and her. I prefer to be referred to by a male name than my feminine birth name. But that does not mean I have to become Arnold Schwarzenegger. Once I am okay with myself, I am going to be who I want to be, who I feel like being, and no boxes of masculinity or femininity will define me. I will be who I am. But I realize that not everyone can do the same. There are some people who feel as though those boxes have to define them. I was that way, and that’s why it took me so long to find out my identity. Here’s my message to all of you who feel that way: You are yourself. No one can define who you are and who you will be. Don’t let society contain you, be that cis/straight people or LGBTQ+ fanatics. You don’t have to fit a stereotype or a trope if you don’t want to. This is your life. Once you gain control over it, you can do whatever you want with it. No one else holds that control over you, even if that’s your parents. I’m not telling you to come out if you aren’t ready. But once you have enough control to be temporarily okay with yourself and allow yourself to do what you want, whether it fits a box or not, you have gained control over your life. It will be hard. I have reached it for this moment, but tomorrow, I might wake up and it’ll be gone. But you define who you are. You decide who you want to be. No one else can choose your life for you. You are valid, you are an amazing human being, and you are perfectly yourself. I am serious when I say that I believe in you, a complete stranger that might be halfway across the world. But the fact that you have an idea of who you are is a beautiful thing. You’re going to make it. I know you will.

There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

A Range of Negative Trans Emotion

1.15.19 I really mean dysphoria, but I don’t want to say dysphoria since I have not been diagnosed and don’t want to assume. There are some times when I am feeling good enough about myself and my appearance that the negativity and self-consciousness kind of dies down for a little while. Where I’ll be talking with people or spending my time writing on Tumblr or reading a (good) book, and I won’t even be thinking about myself. My guess is that cis people who are comfortable with themselves feel that way most of the time. There are other times when I feel like I should hide in my room all day because everyone is staring at me and trying to figure out my gender and everyone is noticing my female parts and every time someone says my birth name, they all think, “oh, she’s a girl.” Those kinds of thoughts explain a lot of the things trans people do. I, for example, wear a thick baggy hoodie with me everywhere I go, and I have a variety of big shirts to hide my chest. I wear two sports bras in public since my parents won’t let me have a binder, and whenever I shower, I turn off all the lights. Online, I introduce myself as a guy instead of a trans guy (except on here since I’m sure I can help someone in this wide world of Tumblr). There are a lot of other things too, as well as some that don’t apply to me. The worst times often come from outside factors, for me. My mind can make me feel really bad about myself, but it has never been as bad as other people making me feel that way. Like when you’re really short and decide to climb onto the counter to get a bowl from the high cabinet, then realize you can’t get down, then your dad picks you up by wrapping his arms around the area on your chest where the most of the bad feelings come from. I’m sorry that this seems like a rant. I guess it is. Today is one of those days that disguises itself as a good day, then stabs you in the back, so I’m not great right now. I’ll try to write something better sometime this week. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thinking-upside-down]

A Rant (Do Not Read If You Are Having A Good Day)

1.26.19 I just don’t want to ruin your day if you’re having a good one. Good days should be cherished, and just because I’m not having a good day doesn’t mean I should ruin yours. Moods can be contagious. So here is a warning. Today was my sister’s dance recital. Recitals are about three to four hours long, and during them, my mood is one of three things, and it changes multiple times during the whole thing. 1. I zone out and think out stories and scenarios in my head (generally when I pay attention to the music). 2. I am paying full attention to a dancer or many dancers. This is usually when I know someone on stage or when I see someone who looks nervous, and I try to send encouraging telepathic thoughts. 3. I am seeing all of this feminity and picturing myself on the stage and then feel really bad and sometimes feel like puking. I don’t hate recitals, especially when my sister comes out (she’s really good). They give me time to think. And I love supporting my sister, who already supports me entirely in my transition. Oh, by the way, I know I said in my last post that I was going to stop talking about trans things. Well. Sorry about that. It’s kind of a huge part of my life and affects me constantly. Yeah. My sister also dances with a girl who is the sister of an old friend of mine. Long story short, this old friend was not always good to me, and our friendship fell apart. I’ve never held my ex-friend accountable for anything, and I still am not mad at them at all. I don’t know how they identify. They were a lesbian using she/her pronouns last time I talked to them, but that was a little less than two years ago. But they cut their hair this year (like I did). At the end of the recital, all the dancers come out to the stage to take bows. Each class comes up to take a bow, and their relatives, friends, significant others, etc. have the opportunity to give hugs and flowers and other things. The sister of my old friend stepped up, and my old friend gave her flowers. This was the first time my dad and grandma saw them with their hair cut short. After the recital ended, the three of us went out to the car to wait for my sister and mom. My old friend and their family walked past our car to get to theirs. And then my dad made a really big deal about how boyish my old friend looked. And it wasn’t in a nice way. I noted that it was likely intentional, and my dad made a noise of disgust. He is a registered Republican, and he still has not accepted my hair. My grandma then thought of this as a perfect time to chime in saying, “If there’s one thing [my birth name] doesn’t look like, it’s a boy.” She would respect me if I came out, but she doesn’t suspect and constantly reminds me of “what a pretty girl” I am. I have been listening to “The Village” by Wrabel on repeat since I got home and started this post. I should be sad. I can deal with sadness. Bundle myself up in a blanket with a good book and turn on some calm instrumental music. Turn on some lights, build a blanket fort, have some apple juice. I’m not sad. I’m furious. I am ready to scream, but I can’t get myself to do it. I’ve got five years of building anger in me, and I can’t let myself let it all out. It’s been building up for over five years. So all I know to do with anger is write a blog post and angrily lip-sync “The Village.” SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I am a boy. I am a boy. I might not look like one yet, but I am a boy. One day, I am going to be so happy with myself. I will be the person I want to be, and I will be seen as the person I am. The boy I am. To anyone who’s in the same situation . . . I don’t know . . . come up with some sort of motivational self-talk like the one in the last paragraph. Angrily lip-sync some music. Do. Not. Self-harm. I’m angry right now, but I love you, and I support you. I promise I am here. You will find what you’re searching for. You will. And I’ll help you the best I can, which might not be a lot, but I will try as hard as I can. Here’s the music video of “The Village,” if you want to watch.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tilsrO-3gcQ That’s my rant. There you go. Have a nice day/night. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down