Like I did with my Stardust Crusaders rewatch, here are some Diamond is Unbreakable quotes I can’t believe are real and some moments that generally made me chuckle in my English dub rewatch.
(I might understand some words wrong. I don’t have closed captions for the English dub specifically.)
• “I was nervously walking myself to class when-“ *bumps into Jotaro’s crotch* “A GIHant [giant]”
• ahh yes Jotaro the “marine explorer”
• “Turtles give me the willies...”
• “If YOU don’t hurry it up isweartogod I’ll cut off that FUGLY COWlick.”
• “NHEEE HOLY SHIT! ....Ohh it’s just that turtle again.”
• “I’m technically your nephew. Bizarre huh?” “Nephew heh? Pleasure.” The Joestar deadpan.
• “He’s kinda scary.” “Yeah... but in a hot way.”
• “Getting the police involved won’t help. Just haul ass.”
• “Put some pep in you step!”
• “What did you say WATER BOY?!”
• “In fact I’ve never been calmer in my life.” “Yeah. Sure.” *Looks at a cabinet straight out of a Dali painting*
• “The humidifier!” *drop kicks it*
• “He managed to piss me off. So I thought it was only fair to repay the dickwad by turning him into a great work of art.” “Good grief kid.”
• “Has this rock always been here?” “Yes but its been given a... facelift.”
• “Don’t you know how to be polite?” “I know I’ll smash your face in if you don’t shut your goddamn mouth.”
• “I guess I better draw out this nap with some gentle asphyxiation.”
Oh the localised stand names… I still can’t with Worse Company
• “Luckily, we’ve got WINDows!”
• *looking at the Stand egg* “Are you saying I MADE this thing?” Koichi did you lay this egg?
• “Word to the wise Sergeant BRO.”
• “You’ll have no means of defending yourself. Giving me the chance to blow your brains AND HAIR into OBLIVION!!”
• “Yuuuuuck I wasn’t trying to sever it!”
• “Would you PLEASE shut your HOLE?!”
• “Why is this guy in my house? And why is he massagingmymomsSHOULDERS?!”
• “Who do you think you’re talking to, you sawed off little dickhead!?”
• “I’m not scared of that knife OR your tiny balls!”
• “You did torture that twatwaffle before he told you this right?”
• Okuyasu, crying: “I have a chiselled face too don’t I? :’((” (tell him he has a chiselled face Josuke)
• “Leeets pretend we didn’t see any of that.”
• “IIIIRGH I guess you’re right.” “Well of course I’m right.”
• “OPEN UP THAT MOUTH. Because here... comes the knowledge.”
• “The sensation of the word ‘Fwoosh!’ Literally sent her flying!”
• “I’m gonna yank off your pissfull prick, rip out your insides and feed ‘em to you as you choke on my MERCILESS LOVE!”
• “Quick! Get out of here!” “Save me Josuke!” “Its every man for himself!”
• “Well I’ll be a seagulls beak!”
• “Okay, let’s see now.... You had diarrhoea yesterday.”
• “AmAzing! It’s overflowing with sophisticATION!”
• “Woooow! Looks scrum-diddle-dy-dumptious!”
• “‘Scuse me, but what’s Mozzaza?”
• “Heeey, old buddy, old pal! You think you can share some of that with your bestie?” *voice drops like two octaves* “Not on your life!”
• *Josuke upon Okuyasu not sharing his food with him* “DICK! I knew you were a stingy son of a bitch, but this takes it to a new level!” (That’s best friend energy right there)
• Tonio and Josuke’s stare down
• *hardcore guitar solo playing while Okuyasu fucking DEVOURS that pasta* “MMMM TAAASTYYY”
• “For the LOVE of GOD, drop the meat!”
• “What?? My guts fell out!”
• “Dessert is... pudding? Ha. I’m too manly for this stuff!” ??????
• “I’m guessing it’s about Chili Pepper.” “WhAT?!” (I’m so glad they could keep this name halfway)
• “I’m itching to scrape you away, you glow-in-the-dark shithead!”
• “Now EAT shit and die your glorified nightlight!”
• “He was murdered in cold blood and you’re rambling about how strong the enemy was?!” “...Oh yeah you’re right. We should check up on Okuyasu.”
• “He’s [Jotaro] the last person is want finding me. He’d just kill my vibe.”
• “This is like a game of WHACKable on STEroids!”
• “OH YEAH, right in the KISSER!”
• “I’m reBORN as a KILLING maCHINE!”
• “I’m a Stand user.” “Huh?” “A Stand user.” “Huh?” “I SAID I’m a Stand User!” “You’re a second hand computer?” “I’MASTANDUSER!”
• “But you haven’t seen our nipples!”
• “Mr. Joestar, drop the baby!” (That’s Kakyoin’s spirit calling from beyond.)
• “Why are you here.... somekindofPRANK?”Rohan sounds like a gremlin I’m LOSING MY MIND
• “Now it’s time for a taste~” *starts licking a spider*
• “Your vomiting reflex is so raw. I simply must SKETCH IT!”
• “Hate to break it to ya, but your aim is shit!”
• “You better not try anything funny, or I’ll crush you with my Stand, you doodlin’ dipshit!”
• “I win~” *gets punched in the face*
• “Get out here you punk bitch!”
• “GAH! Careful! ROHAN IS HOLDING A PEN!
• *the funniest high pitch scream I’ve heard in a while, curtesy of Rohan*
• “Josuke. I’m going on a hunting trip. And you’re coming too.” This gives me ‘dad’s on a hunting trip’ vibes
• “Those are dead rats!” “Yeah NO SHIT!”
Most of the Rat hunting shenanigans that made me laugh rely on visual aid and are hard to transcribe into text so I don’t have that much of those
• “HOLY SHIT I FOUND IT!”
• “Wha-“ *drops shoes into water*, *starts crying*
• “It [Heaven’s Door] still doesn’t work on haters like Josuke, who wouldn’t know art if it kicked him in the groin.”
• “Did she say A MURDER?!” “Yes she did.”
• “Look at this! You’re dripping!”
• I’m sorry but the shot where Kira is holding the severed arm, who is holding a handbag is one of the funniest stills in the entire series
• “YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET SLAUGHTERED YOU HEAR MEEEEEE?!”
• “Too far too far TOO FAR TOO FAR TOO FAR!”
• “I’m rich, so it’s on me.”
• “YEEEEEAAHHAGHAHAA! MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEEEEEY!!”
• “We got a problem Josuke!” “What is it?” “Hrmm! Something weird’s happening in my pants! Ohhhhrrrrnmmn!”
• “This backstabber is about to learn the hard way what happens to thieving punks who cross the JosuYasu duo!” (Is that- did he- is that- did they do that in the original too and I didn’t notice?)
• “Why don’t you make Harvest attack us again, porcuPRICK?”
• “The tables will turn in your favour~ MY ASS THEY WILL! I’LL BUTCHER THAT BULLSHITTING BEAUTICIAN!”
• “Those two playin’ tongue-hockey?”
• “The end is close at hand... close in hand hehe.”
• “I’m gonna destroy this alarm clock from hell.” (I want to know who writes the script and comes up with these comparisons.)
• “That was not the sensation of human flesh EXPLODING!”
• “For the life of me I can’t figure out why I’m just standing here like a whimsy little bitch baby with a bad case of the SHITS!”
• *Rips the shirt off a waiter* “Good heavens sir! Was it something I said?”
• “Oh put a sock in it! Better yet, why not take the whole foot?”
• “Put your damn socks on right!”
• Jotaro: *smiles* *does the flop*
• “Hello everyone, is it time to head home already?” *panicked screams*
• “WOAH! This is all the info he collected about his toenails!”
• “Why don’t you give our friend a nice send-off? And make sure you add a little bit of style to it.” “Huh? Uh... IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WEREN’T SO BIG AND BAD AFTER ALL, FOOL!”
• Not dialogue but that sequence when Jotaro tapes Kira’s dad shut
• *putting tacks on Atom Heart Father* “I KNOW it’s a little tacky. KNA KNA KNAAA!”
• “Even as a little boy, you couldn’t suppress your urges to kill women.... But if that’s what makes you happy I’ll support and protect you.”
• “All that hair gel must be seepin’ into your noggin!”
• “Perfect. A self absorbed jerk-off, a moron and a bitch, three people I have absolutely nothing in common with.”
• Josuke & Oku: “You call this mature?” Rohan: *laughing maniacally*
• Rohan just sucker punching a kid with the ‘Rock’ gesture in a rock, paper, scissors game
• unnecessarily epic rock, paper, scissors match. THEY ARE LEVITATING
• “Surrender. The. Baby.”
• “Roshamboy, real name: Ken Oyanagi. Stand: Boyz Men Men, knocked out of commission.”
• “As my nails grow, so do my carnal desires.”
• “Hey Josuke! Check out those big ass holes!”
• *eating a box of tissues with a straight face* “Many thanks. That was quite palatable”
• “Well? Would you like the cream?”
• “Are the ice of creams unsatisfactory?”
• “An alien. An alien, yes! I should have informed you when we met! I am indeed an alien.” “You’re a loony motherf-“
• “Maybe I should knock that nose-ringed psycho back to the mothership.”
• “So how do the dice function? Explain.”
• “I’m such a bad boy.”
• “Shitbiscuits!”
• “Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!”
• “You can’t just heal people without permission!”
• “Could you like??? Shut up?? Geez!”
• “I brainwashed her. Isn’t that great?”
• “Now let me add this, dickwad, his ass is grass!”
• “I’m gonna pummel his soul-sucking ass!”
• “If those freaky ass phalanges catch up to me, I can kiss my body’s nutrients goodbye!”
• “That foot-fetish dick could be anywhere!”
• “You’ve gotta be SHITTING me!”
• Josuke steals a phone and it breaks but he doesn’t fix it with crazy diamond and instead steals ANOTHER PHONE from ANOTHER PERSON who is also on an important call???
• “Okay master, let’s kill da hoe! Beeeeeetch!” (THEY ACTUALLY DID IT. THEY KEPT THIS IN THE ENGLISH DUB)
• “That full body odour you’re whiffing is curtesy of yours truly, you dick!”
• “How do you function?”
• “On a different note, Koichi Hirose decided to go on a walk with his dog.”
• *Radio anchor voice* “‘What is this place?’, he thought to himself. ‘Why am I here? Meow meow.’”
• “Did you realise you left without giving me a goodbye kiss?” “No.”
• “Stop hogging the alien!”
• “After I put this BRO-hole back in his douche-cage”
• “All of your skirts reek of ass-sweat” sentences I’d never thought I’d have to write
• “This is a new level of timey-wimey-bullshit!” (Doctor Who reference anyone?)
• “Piggyback please ~”
• “ITS A SHREDDER!!!”
• “That means I’ll have to pleasure to watch Rohan explode and still make it to work on time.”
• “Don’t worry. I can heal, if need be”
• “I can’t tell what happened, but Kira hacking up blood and flying through the air gets a Hell Yeah from me!”
AND FINALLY
• I’m calling the police on whoever wrote the boner line