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not me getting mad at the kids who didn’t want to play with miri at daycare bc she looked different and only changed their minds when she changed clothes / they saw kazuki playing ball with her 🙄

#lolly watches: buddy daddies ! !#i was that kid who no one wanted to play with until my siblings jumped in #because they were older and therefore ‘cooler’ so ppl who never wanted to include me would always ask to play #whenever they saw me and my siblings playing #this is ptsd #so FUCK THEM KIDS #little shits :(

Fuckin Monster

I've actually never wrote about you...

Hmmm I wonder why.

I've written about my feelings and how you've affected me....

But never about you, the Monster, the one who made me feel those things.

I didn't want to acknowledge you.

I don't feel like you're deserving.

Actually, I know for a fucking fact, that you certainly are not worthy...

Worthy of the words I write.

Worthy of the words I speak.

You are nothing but a fuckin Monster, ugly as can be.

You fucked up my young adulthood, and no one gives a shit.

You made my life a living Hell...

You pitted others against me,

You knew just how to fuck me up, because you are the one fucked up.

A simple piece of shit.

The scum that is forlorn.

You didn't know anything else but your actions aren't forgiven.

You're forever affected by the life you had.

You have no fucking clue.

Fuck you.

You weren't groomed to have a fucking clue.

You were created to destroy.

That is all you know.

You know no other way.

Because of that, you are a fucking Monster.

I can't get back those 4 fuckin years...

It will forever haunt me.

I hope you burn in fuckin hell.

Goodbye to you.

Goodbye you fuckin Monster.

wait, what are the stressors and what are the distractions?

I’ve known for awhile that I’ll receive life changing financial news today or tomorrow. It might be just a court date, but it actually might be the end of These Troubles.

Smol J had a visit scheduled with his mother this morning - the visitation center was doing transport to the social worker’s office instead of their center. Neither the social worker or I know ‘why’ the location is her office, but the woman who runs the visitation center made the decision based on the question “is reunification still the goal?” (Yes!) I suspect the social worker knows why, but she’s very by the book. Her level of my 'need to know’ isn’t…matchy matchy with mine.

When the transport picked Smol J up, she said 'we have to wait 30 minutes for her to show up, but then we’ll call you’. I couldn’t process what that really meant because at that exact time, my neighbor with Alzheimer’s had just fallen somewhere in the neighborhood and her daughter was racing around with the flu in her bathrobe looking for her. So I handed the baby to the transport and went running (which I don’t really do anymore).

My neighbor is okay - maybe an injured hip and she was bleeding from the head, but almost certainly did not have a concussion. I cuddled up behind her to support her sitting up in the street while the firefighters asked her questions. Her son in law stood there like the very shy person he is, saying nothing. When her daughter came around the corner and saw her mother in the street bleeding from the head she started sobbing and then puking everywhere over and over again. Finally they got mom into the ambulance, and took her off to the ER.

Both the 48 hour window for The News and the 30 minute window for the visit began 17 minutes ago.

What will happen next?

#this is foster care #this is PTSD #Smol J #neighbors

Carrying around real fears over one shoulder and irrational fears over the other, and you're walking down the street all wonky and shit, and people looking at you like - what the fuck lady - I'm just trying to smoke a cigarette and walk to the bus stop without falling and man, it's cold...