i just mentioned how my intentions to change my name aren't a joke and my dad went "i know but dont you think we have to tell your grandparents your granny is going to lose it" and im like ok but it's still my life and tbh i dont even care if they dont know about it... alright that sounds hideous too but it's just... lately my name has bothered me more than before.
the name reminds me of how i used to be, i can remember how people have used it in a negative way, it reminds me of my biological gender which i dont feel connected to (google nonbinary/agender), i just feel like changing it is the only choice even though i do feel bad for my parents since they are the ones who came up with it. it does make me feel guilty but i cant change who i am even though i would very much like to be "normal"...
im just... the name i've currently been thinking is not a common one at all and it makes me feel a bit nervous but i cant really think of anything else either. the thought of "anything is better than my given name" is giving me power.
i just want to add that my name isn't horrible as a name (except it's kinda lame that all my names sort of... rhyme together... ) but my issues are making it impossible for me to enjoy and 'carry' it with confidence
well, if we go back to the beginning; it makes me feel bad when ppl dont reply at all when i tell them that im going to change my name. in this one group chat a person asked how we are doing and i thought that that was an okay time to talk about it as i had mentioned it to my other friend before (with the help of some alcohol but anyway) and no one said a thing until another friend told about their things. that's just kinda rude?? i know it's a complex matter and i don't need anyone to understand my decision or support it 100%, i just want it to be respected. but keeping quiet is the finnish way, i guess.
i remember when i finally told my parents i'm nonbinary and my mom said nothing and my dad said that he needs some time to take it all in and that we can talk about it later on. he never approached me about the issue again and today was the first time i brought things up ever since - almost two months later or something.
sometimes i hate having "an abstract" gender identity because of course it's hard for people to grasp. but it's just ??+ why the fuck would i pretend to be like this when being a regular girl/boy is so much easier??? it took me a lot of time to even start addressing my gender properly because it felt embarrassing because it's not a common idea. i was also unsure if this is actually what i identify as - it's always difficult for me to say things officially because im afraid of changing my mind - but finally im at a point where i dont think anything else suits me. i dont know why i'm like this, i know there are a lot of people who have felt "trans" forever but for me it wasnt like that. so it's kinda harder since i dont know if i can be 100% sure that this wasnt just a choice but right now i just cant find anything else that would suit the person i am.
