hi bb. I’m really stuck in my brain rots today (probably because i have real life stuff to do).
today i’m having sad priest ian thoughts because i’m listening to saint bernard on repeat 😩
like, imagine how lonely priest ian must be? after his manic episode & diagnosis, he really found comfort in the church, he thinks god really has a plan for everything and maybe his religious delusions carried a meaning (& he really found comfort in the bible when he was ill). he knows he’s gay, has always known that, but he takes the vow of celibacy and he tells people he thinks it’s what god would want. but the real reason he enters the priesthood is because he thinks he’s broken, his insecurities run so deep that he thinks maybe he can learn to love himself again by serving others.
and when he meets mickey, they comfort each other in ways neither of them has experienced. for the first time he experiences deep love, larger than any love he ever experienced in his relationship with god. I’m thinking of the lyrics in st. bernard… ian praying and praying, “make me love myself so that i might love you.” 😭😭
ian believes that god has a plan for everything, that god doesn’t make mistakes and he comes to the realization that mickey was sent to him for a reason and if god wants him to experience romantic love with mickey, if that’s what he needs to love himself, then he needs to accept that.
oh my god, i love hurting myself… i’m writing it 😭😭
NO LEIGHT SHUT UP CAUSE AS SOON AS YOU MENTIONED SAINT BERNARD I THOUGHT OF THAT EXACT LINE
"ian believes that god has a plan for everything, that god doesn’t make mistakes and he comes to the realization that mickey was sent to him for a reason and if god wants him to experience romantic love with mickey, if that’s what he needs to love himself, then he needs to accept that."
oh my fucking god 😭😭😭😭 i'm like legit tearing up over the thought of ian, kneeling to pray in the evening, thinking of mickey and the unexpected light he brings to ian's life, and sending a prayer up to god to fix him. to make him better. not like the prayers he used to murmur, back when he was still reeling from his diagnosis and hoping for it to go away, but a prayer to fix his insecurities, to make him strong and worthy of mickey's love so he can follow the plan laid out for him and just holy shit leigh oh my god 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭