“Rose Landry is always good. She can’t count the number of handwritten thank you cards she has produced in her life. She can count the number she has received, but that isn’t fair or pleasant to think about, and she really doesn’t want to complain. She’s from Michigan. She’s good, and she is nice.
Despite being a movie star (glamorous!), despite the size of her name on posters, she is acutely aware of her role in nearly every film she’s ever been in. She’s there to further men’s plots. When she’s kidnapped, as she so often is, her abduction is a vehicle for the male lead’s heroic arc. She knows this. She might make a joke about it, but she never complains. She furthers men’s plots.”
I saw someone wonder how realistic it was that Rose handles Shane being gay so, so well - with just so much skill and empathy. I got curious about why that might be, and why Rose might be drawn to gay boyfriends. Just a wee little character study ficlet with a sprinkling of meta commentary plus a smidge of girls kissing.
Thank you to @billsfangearring and @triggerlil or asking about this on tumblr and commenting on my snippet and for inspiring me to return to this ficlet! I wouldn't have finished it without that push.
The diet continues past retirement, taking a new, more restrictive shape. Ilya decides he’s going to grow his husband back.
Vibes and tags: Shane has an eating disorder, feeding, realistic weight gain, Chubby Shane Hollander, light D/s, stuffing, gaining weight and getting happier, poutine and Tim Horton's
I thought this fandom needed more feeding kink fic, and I resolved to do my part.
Rose!! This gripped me very suddenly, and then I got distracted so I'm afraid it might never see the light of ao3 but it can live here.
I saw someone wonder how realistic it was that Rose handles Shane being gay so, so well - with just so much skill and empathy. I got curious about why that might be, and why Rose might be drawn to gay boyfriends. And then I also wanted to add some Roselana too but then I kind of got confused with how to handle that, and so that's why that part is very fuzzy haha.
(cw mention of intimate partner violence)
Rose Landry is always good. She always has her lines memorized. If she complains, it’s with a smile and a quip, never with a genuinely bad attitude. She can’t count the number of handwritten thank you cards she has produced in her life. She can count the number she has received, but that isn’t fair or pleasant to think about, and she really doesn’t want to complain. She’s from Michigan. She’s good, and she is nice.
Despite being a movie star (glamorous!), despite the size of her name on posters, she is acutely aware of her role in nearly every film she’s ever been in. She’s there to further men’s plots. When she’s kidnapped, as she so often is, her abduction is a vehicle for the male lead’s heroic arc. She knows this. She might make a joke about it, but she never complains. She furthers men’s plots. Sometimes, it’s an honor.
With Shane, it was, and is, an honor.
He’s a good man, she thinks, as she stands in the hotel bathroom taking off her makeup and beginning her skincare routine. Uncommonly good, she considers as she applies the second cleanser. And they will be friends.
It really is an honor to help someone find themselves like that, to create such a space and such a relationship that they share some tiny precious wounded animal of truth inside of them. Art can do that too, movies sometimes. But she likes it when it’s people.
She had been able to say that 80% of her boyfriends have been gay, and she had been sweet and funny and clever about it, like she always was, and she had been able to imply that one out of the five was straight, like it meant nothing.
Dabbing on her retinol serum, she knew it meant nothing. She was over it.
(She had wanted him, and he had wanted her, and her world had become smaller and smaller, and her body more and more an object. It became less and less like she could want anything other than for him to be happy, because that was when she was safe.)
(The memories lived in an ambiguous black hole in her chest she could tap into for certain scenes.)
(Useful, she made it useful. Just like she was useful. Always finding a way to be good.)
She knew, because she was very self-aware, because you have to be to be a decent actress as it turns out, despite the reputation of the profession to the contrary, that she kept finding herself with gay boyfriends for a reason. Wanting, in that deep full body way, and being wanted meant danger. Still, being self-aware did not mean you had to dwell, and she did not plan to.
Moisturizer last, a heavy one, for the winter cold of Montreal, thick and white. She furthered a man’s plot tonight, but he was a wonderful man, and she hoped maybe he would be happy. She didn’t have to hope that she would be happy because of course she was. It wouldn’t be very good to be otherwise.
–
Years into her friendship with Shane, Rose finally was able to make it to the mythical cottage. She had been invited a few times before, but she was always filming (always best to be busy).
She did well keeping herself busy. If she wanted to be, she could be picky about roles, but she did not want to be. She wanted to be busy. Busy meant less time to herself, especially now that Miles had his serious boyfriend, and they were very cute together, but they were always together and unexpectedly very domestic, and she was happy for them, because it wouldn’t be nice to feel anything else.
Shane Hollander, to her surprise, was throwing a party at the cottage. A small party, but decidedly a party. In her vision of her first trip to the cottage, it was just the two of them, perhaps boating and swimming and building a fire. Then, in her vision, it was the three of them, Ilya too. She did not expect a party.
Shane wasn’t drinking alcohol and was still eating in a way that seemed concerningly familiar. She’d had friends with eating disorders before. It might just be a performance diet (what did she know about being a professional hockey player? Her brothers ate real food, but they weren’t exactly on Shane’s level), but it also seemed worth keeping an eye on. She wouldn’t press. She was good about that, but she noticed.
There was Ilya, the rival turned secret boyfriend, of course. A couple other hockey players, including a huge retired defenseman and his musician boyfriend. And Ilya’s friend. Svetlana.
–
“I love your hair.”
“That’s a straight girl compliment.”
“Your eyes are beautiful.”
“Could go either way.”
“I like the way your lips move around the cigarette.”
Rose felt like she finally won.
Scary but not bad scary.
Wanting but not bad wanting.
Kissing on the dock, loons in the background.
Have you ever been to LA? Would you like to visit?
80s horse au sounds like just the thing to bring out my inner horse girl 👁️👁️
unfortunately I know so little about horses that all the horse related parts are getting very brushed over! so I'm afraid it might do little to bring out your horse girl!
This is a maybe-roleplay or maybe series of ficlets or maybe hopefully a longer work for ao3! Right now I've posted a few pieces on tumblr under the polo verse tag.
It's the 80s horse au because the main idea for it takes place in 1982 when Sirius, James, and Regulus are all students at Oxford (and all do things related to horses - veterinary student, polo captain, dressage rider respectively), but it's since spun out into a prongsfoot fever dream stretching from the late 70s to early 90s.
This is the initial premise of the maybe-roleplay:
James Potter and Sirius Black have been best friends - and terrors - since they met at boarding school. Now third year students at Oxford, James studies medicine and is captain of the polo team while Sirius studies veterinary medicine, as an injury at sixteen prevented him from riding again and left him dependent on pain pills. Regulus, Sirius’ younger brother and a skilled dressage rider, has joined them at Oxford. After a secret society initiation ritual reveals some erotic tension between the brothers, James decides he wants them both. James Potter always gets what he wants.
Below the cut is a little brief moment from 1990 (cw discussion of addiction)
“Hey James,” Sirius says, pressing the phone close to his head and twirling the cord in his hand. He’s in the manor house as the summer cottage isn’t connected to the phone line. He knows Effie is out riding, and Monty is in his study, and the housekeeper only just cleaned this room, and so she shouldn’t be coming back. Still, he glances up just in case, catching his reflection in the gilded mirror. He looks better than he did two weeks ago. There’s no denying that.
“I’m at your parents’ house,” he continues to James’ answering machine. “I’ve been here for a couple weeks actually. Your dad has –,“ sharp intake of breath, “been helping me detox. He’s been – I don’t have words. I’m really grateful.”
“I’m taking some time off of work, and I’ll be here for a while I think, in the summer cottage. They think I was ill, which isn’t too far off, and now I’m taking care of my family friend’s aging horses, which is also not too far off.” He manages a wry smile before tensing again. “I’m sorry for what I said a couple months ago. You didn’t – I didn’t mean it. I was just – well, it doesn't matter now. You were right.”
Another breath, another twist and untwist of the cord.
“I’ll be at your wedding, and I’ll be sober – or I’ll try. I’m going to really try. I’ll stick close to your dad and away from the bar,” Sirius says, and he manages a laugh, imagining himself like a shy child, sticking close to the parents at the big event, not allowed to drink.
“Yeah, anyway, just wanted to tell you. Tell Lily I say hi. Unless she’s listening to this message already then hi Lily. Anyway. Cheers. Bye.”
The mention of Lily sent his chest tightening and his back tightening, and he presses the phone onto the receiver rather more forcefully than he intended to, and the clang echoes through the high ceilinged room.
He stands carefully, knowing pain is inevitable but he can at least minimize it, and starts the long walk down to the barn.
Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗
<3 <3 <3
I love and am so proud of so many of my fics but here are five:
Two Forty-Year-Olds Talk About Their Childhood Sexual Abuse (10k, wolfstar, modern AU)
Bellatrix Black: An Elegy (5k, Bellatrix character study, canon compliant)
Waxing Gibbous, October 1981 (6k, wolfstar, canon compliant)
Nymphadora, Nymphet (20k, Bellatrix/Tonks, canon divergent no Voldemort)
Duty (2k, Regulus character study, canon compliant)
I listened to The Long Game audiobook (which I cannot in good conscious recommend - it was quite bad), BUT one of the things that stood out to me was just how much it sets up a number of very interesting feeding kink dynamics! And what Shane's relationship to food might be after retiring.
This is what exists in my doc so far:
(cw for discussion of disordered eating)
The diet wasn’t supposed to last forever. It was a performance diet. Officially retired, he no longer needed to perform. Therefore, the diet could stop.
Shane did try. (Shane always tried. No one could say he didn’t try. He tried every moment of every day.)
He knew he was done with the diet, and so he didn’t even look up the menu in advance of their celebratory retirement dinner. He thought about googling it all day, but he didn’t. He was trying.
Except then, of course, he opened up the menu and saw only panic staring back at him. Too many options. Too much butter. Knuckles turning white, he gripped the menu, determined to be normal. (Normal out to dinner with his husband and his parents. Normal. He was in his thirties. He was too old for this.)
Thirties or not, trying hard to be normal or not, everyone picked up on the fact that he was being an issue. His mother solved it, however, by ordering for him, which led to a raised eyebrow from Ilya, but all Shane could feel was grateful.
He did want the salmon. Minimal butter.
He felt Ilya’s eyes on him as he ate it.
–
There were bad foods and good foods. That wasn’t a diet thing. That was a logic thing. That was a science thing. It wasn’t like he was someone who thought all fats were bad. Avocados were good. Olive oil, in moderation, too. Or someone who thought all carbs were bad. Complex carbohydrates were one of the most important sources of fuel for a competitive athlete.
Except he wasn’t a competitive athlete anymore.
He kept up a training regimen but not nearly as intense as his previous one. For the first time in his conscious life, he was no longer training for hockey.
The diet offered structure. It reduced decision making. It was designed for longevity. It was designed for a professional athlete, which he wasn’t anymore, and so he cut it back. And back again.
It really wasn’t much of an issue over the summer when they were doing their training camps. If anything, he felt lighter and more clear headed than ever. Something a little god-like in doing battle with the base human drive of hunger.
It really only became an issue in the fall.
At Ilya’s urging, he tried to ease up on the diet, at least for meals they shared together. For a new structure, he tried to match Ilya’s meals. A bagel for breakfast (simple carbs) with cream cheese (saturated fats) and orange juice (might as well be soda for its sugar content). Without sufficient protein in the meal, he felt himself crashing by mid-morning. Failed experiment.
And then these bullet points which may or may not make sense to anyone else:
Hollanov feeding?
Retirement
I’m going to get fat
Get fat then
Soft pudge around his middle. If he flexes, if the lighting is right.
Bad foods and good foods
He wasn’t supposed to think that way anymore. He was retired. But shouldn’t he still care about his health? For longevity? Healthy eating still mattered even if you weren’t a professional athlete.
He alternated - diet. Reduced calories now that he wasn’t training hours every day. Then eating whatever was in front of him. He wanted to get rid of that food, Ilya’s food, but Ilya threatened a riot. So it remained in the house.
Good foods and bad foods and sometimes he was good and sometimes he was bad.
Ilya said it’s his birthday
No the cake is for you
I want you to eat it all
Oh. good/bad. Ilya tells him.
Floaty feeling of being told what to do. Complete clarity of mind and purpose. Foundation was nice. Nothing like hockey. Nothing like being told what to do by ilya.
So overwhelmingly sweet. Frosting. Fuck so good. I can’t. Take a break.
Jerk you off. Food is good.
Brain is quieter than it’s been in a long time.
Still, it’s a shock the first time ilya cups his hand on shane’s stomach and squeezes nearly a full handful of soft new flesh.
Flinches. You got me fat.
No. is perfect. Something to grab.
People are going to notice.
But this is mine. That’s me touching you. You’re mine. You’re safe. You’re good.
Regulus' Christmas Stuffing (Sirius/Regulus, 6k, M) for @blackstarkink for @hphedonismfest exchange
Sirius stumbled upon his brother eating in the kitchen late on Christmas night. He watched. Then he helped.
Tags include: Feeding kink, Stuffing, Heavy Drinking, Regulus Black Has an Eating Disorder, Belly Rubs, kink without smut, Angst
AN: Merry Christmas to Kas! Thank you so much for your help this year in making me more comfortable with myself and with kinks. Truly, it's been such a gift and such a transformation from where I had been a year ago. Many things this year have been really rough, but being able to share writing and ideas with you has been such a unrelenting and life-changing highlight. Here's a little bit of my gratitude in the form of Blackcest stuffing <3
I'd love to hear about Sirius (never craved attention)
Hello!
Sirius of the never craved attention until I tasted yours universe (and extended universe!) is from a remus/regulus muggle au roleplay which @blackstarkink and @diamondmeadow invited me to. Unfortunately for that plan, Sirius has chemistry with everyone and causes lots of problems in the predicted plot haha.
He is a pub owner (with James) and bartender, and his drinking is totally not a problem as he navigates reconnecting with his estranged younger brother and with his friend/situationship, Remus, who, as it turns out, has been dating his brother! (Maybe Sirius should have mentioned he had a brother to Remus or maybe Regulus should have told Remus his real name lol.) It's very soap opera-y and very fun.
In one universe, Sirius ends up with James in a 24/7 D/s relationship where he is the sub <3 He gets sober, quits bartending, and returns to engineering, working in green energy.
In the other universe, Sirius' alcoholism gets reallyyyy bad, and he ends up having an affair with Remus while Walburga is dying... while Remus and Regulus are in a long term relationship. Whoops! (Read about it here.) Shit goes down, and James takes Sirius to dry out in his cabin in Scotland, and Sirius decides to stay there, building a quiet life for himself. Decades later, in their 50s, Remus and Sirius reconnect and build a new relationship together from a much healthier place <3
