could've followed my fears all the way down
Chapters: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 31
Chapter 30
Thomas’s nerves are almost cute, if they weren’t so worrying. He’s more than willing to hold their hands in public, if he doesn’t have the sling on, but he’s clearly fretting over everything else.
“Do you think he knows we want to kiss him?” Gally asks when Thomas is laughing with Sonya across the fire.
“I think that’s the problem.” Minho watches Thomas’s face.
“What, he doesn’t want to kiss us?”
“More like he’s not sure how.” Minho’s pretty sure Thomas kissed Teresa a few times, and maybe Brenda, but he doesn’t know. It’s not exactly the kind of thing Thomas would have told him about. He doesn’t really want Thomas to tell him about it.
“It’s kissing, it’s not that hard.” Gally scoffs a little.
“Just because we had sex in the Glade doesn’t mean he did.” Minho points out, and he can see when that clicks for Gally.
“We have to talk about feelings again, don’t we?”
When did Minho become the one who knows that first?
… Actually, he doesn’t want an answer to that.
“Yeah.”
“Thomas wants to go into the forest.” Gally changes the subject.
“No.” It hasn’t been that long since he had a panic attack sitting under one tree, he’s not allowed to go into the forest.
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“He’s been talking about it all week. He keeps creating signs for it while he’s teaching me. He wants to go together, but not for long.”
This is a fight Minho’s going to lose, he already knows it. Gally looks like he’s ready to say yes, he probably offered to tell him so Thomas wouldn’t have to.
“Why? He can hardly look at it without panicking.”
“He thinks he needs to get over it. I know he’s said something to Sonya. I think he’ll just follow her in if we don’t go.”
“Well, at least he’s not planning on going alone.”
“So we’re doing it, then?”
“Maybe this is something we should talk to Jamie about— together, not individually.” is what Minho settles on saying, because he really doesn’t know.. He hates the idea, he doesn’t want Thomas anywhere near that forest and he thinks it’s going to end very badly.
But Thomas is a stubborn shank whose two settings of ‘dealing with things’ involve ignoring them or charging into them headfirst.
“Why Jamie?”
“Because she might be able to explain why it would be helpful, or why it’s a really bad idea and we shouldn’t do it. I know he talks to her about it one-on-one, but for something we do together we need to talk to her together.”
“He’s been a lot better lately, Minho. He’s been able to eat more, he’s sitting near the tree right now and not panicking, the sling is just about off for good. If he wants to try this, why wouldn’t we help him?”
“I’m not saying we wouldn’t,” he pauses, trying to get his thoughts together. “I’m worried, Gally. If this is too much, too soon, it could be bad.”
The two weeks of nearly entirely signing after the initial tree panic attack prove that very well. Sure, it’s better now, but only signing all the time and having to rely on Minho and Frypan to translate frustrates Thomas.
He likes to get his point across, and since no one had known about their sign language before, no one had learned it.
“What else are we supposed to do, make him feel like he has to be afraid of the forest for the rest of his life?” Gally’s worried too, he can tell— and not just about Thomas. “Minho, you want to protect him, we both do. He doesn’t want to be protected from this.”
And the little kids don’t want to be protected from running into the fire pits, but that doesn’t mean it should be allowed.
“That’s different, Min. The little kids don’t know better. We’re all nearly adults, might as well be, with what we’ve been through. Thomas has talked to Jamie about this, he’s been thinking about it for a while. He knows it might be a bad idea.”
“I still think it’s a bad idea.” Minho crosses his arms over his chest, but he knows Gally is right. “I still want all three of us to sit down and actually talk about it, with Jamie or not.”
It probably won’t be for a very long time, maybe less than an hour at first, but he wants to be prepared for everything.
Maybe Thomas will step into the forest and realize he’s not scared of it at all now. Great! Probably not going to happen, but great.
Maybe he’ll immediately have a panic attack. Also probably not the most likely option, not now that he’s actually been working though it with Jamie.
No, they’ll go in, fit a spot, sit and talk for a while. Thomas’s anxiety will build to the point where he can’t keep it hidden anymore, and they’ll leave before it gets worse.
Thomas will want to do it again, so they’ll go back until he’s happy with how long it takes for him to reach peak anxiety levels.
Minho doesn’t want him to do that to himself.
“Gally, this is going to take forever.” Minho realizes. “He’s going to want to keep going back until he can be in there for hours, if not days, without panicking.”
“So we’ll go with him, every time.” Gally says, like it’s as easy as that. “Until he’s okay with it.”
They can do that. Even though Minho’s going to hate every minute of it.
They can’t do this.
They’ve been taking it very slowly with the exposure therapy, as Jamie calls it. Once a week at most, for a few minutes at a time, a little longer each week.
Minho really wishes Thomas would wait.
This is the fifth week, and it’s been twenty minutes. Thomas is shaking already, but he doesn’t want to leave.
He never wants to leave.
“Minho, if he thinks he can handle it, let him.” Gally pulls him back a little. “He wants to try. We have to let him.”
“He’s shaking, Gally.”
“It’s cold. He’s a dumbass wearing shorts and a t-shirt.” Gally raises his voice a little, so Thomas can hear him teasing. Thomas glances back at them and rolls his eyes.
He looks… okay. He’s shaking, but his face is relaxed, not like he’s scared at all.
Maybe it’s not that bad.
“Who do you think is out hunting today?”
“It’s Rosa’s group’s turn!” Thomas calls back. He moves back to stand by them, leaning into Gally’s side.
Gally is kind of their personal space heater sometimes. He complains about it, but Minho knows he doesn’t really care.
“What do you think they’ll find?”
“I don’t know. I saw a moose.”
They’ve heard that a million times. Thomas wants to take them out to see it, but even Jamie, as encouraging as she is about him wanting to learn how to not be afraid of the forest anymore, has nipped that in the bud.
No week-long trips into the forest for a long time for them.
Minho’s okay with that. He doesn’t really like it here either, what with the tree falling on them and everything.
Wait, is Thomas trying to get them over their lingering fears of the forest too?
Damn.
That’s more tricky than he thought Thomas would pull on them.
(Other people, absolutely. Them? Thomas isn’t supposed to do it to them. But that’s Thomas for you. )
“Minho, you’re the one overthinking things now.” Thomas pokes him lightly. He’s smiling faintly when Minho looks over at him.
“So what if I am, shuckface? You don’t have a monopoly on overthinking things.”
“No, but it’s a little weird to watch someone else do it.”
“Then don’t look at me, I guess.”
“Where’s the fun in not looking at you?” Thomas pouts, exaggerated. “Gally, can I share your jacket?”
“I should tell you no, because you’re the dumbass here. But yes.” Minho can’t help but laugh at them as they try to figure out how to get arranged so Thomas will actually be warm without smothering him.
“Are you sure you don’t want help?”
“We’ll figure it out, thanks though, Minho.” Thomas answers, focused on the task at hand.
It’s hard not to laugh a little at Thomas as he tries to squeeze into Gally’s jacket. He’s biting his lip, completely focused, and he’s not thinking about being in the forest at all.
Minho’s laughing too, and his shoulders have dropped a little. He won’t say anything, but he doesn’t like the forest too much either.
If Gally could freeze time, this is one of the spots he’d do it in. Just linger here, in this moment, where they’re all laughing and joking around, despite everything.
Despite the fact that he knows Thomas chose this spot because it’s not far from where Harriet found him.
He doesn’t want to be anywhere where they’re not happy, not again. They don’t need more sadness in their lives.
“Gally, you’re not even trying to help!” Thomas complains, pouting at him.
“I think it’s hopeless, Thomas. You can have my jacket instead.” Minho throws an arm around Thomas’s shoulders.
“But Gally’s already warm.”
“And I’m not?” Thomas pulls away a little, just enough to put Minho’s jacket on. Gally’s not expecting him to grab his hand as he steps back.
“Okay, I think that’s enough for the day.” Thomas says.
“You’re feeling okay?” Minho asks, dropping the smile.
“I feel fine, but I’m cold. I want to bully you two into building a fire in the cabin and sit in bed all day and read.”
“Just for that, you can bring in all the wood from outside in your shorts and t-shirt.” he threatens, but he already knows he won’t go through it.
“And maybe I wanted to sit in bed and read. What are you going to do then?” Minho’s hand brushes his arm lightly. Gally can’t tell if it’s intentional or not.
“Read things out loud to you? Then you’ll fall asleep and I can read whatever I want.” Thomas raises his eyebrows at Minho, like it should be obvious.
“What if I want to read something, Thomas?”
“You don’t care what I read, as long as I read it out loud.” Thomas squeezes his hand softly, and. Yeah. It’s true. He doesn’t care.
He’s not much of a reader on his own, anyway. It’s just better when Thomas reads to him. Or Minho, on the rare occasion he decides that it’s his turn.
“So, a fire, reading, and cuddles? Sounds like a good day to me.”
“We can’t forget lunch.”
“I guess you can go and get it for us then, Minho. Thanks for offering!” Thomas manages to say it with a straight face, like Gally’s not cracking up next to him.
“That was not an offer, shuckface. That was a reminder that we need to eat.”
“Sounded like an offer to me, Minho.” Gally’s still grinning, which ruins the effect a little.
“The both of you? Really? I guess if all I’m good for is getting lunch I might as well leave you both!” Minho plays into the part, hand on his chest and everything.
“You’re the one who’s not letting go of me, so if you want to do that, then you can.”
“Yeah, Minho, if you’re really going to leave you have to let go of Thomas first.”
“He’s got my jacket!”
“You can let go of me and get your jacket back.”
“Well, maybe I will!”
He doesn’t, though, and Gally knows he never even considered it.
“Or maybe I’ll just get my jacket back later.”
“You can’t get it back if you can’t find it.” Thomas teases, smiling properly now. “Hey, Gally, cover me?”
“Yeah, of course.” He grabs Minho’s arm where it’s around Thomas’s shoulders, holding him just tightly enough that he can’t get away easily, while Thomas jogs ahead, eventually turning backwards to face them.
“Even if you hide it, I’ll still find it, Thomas!” Minho calls. “Gally, let go of my arm.”
“Are you going to chase him? Because I told him I wouldn’t let you do that.”
“No, but can’t I hold your hand instead, shank?”
“Oh.” Gally slides his hand down Minho’s arm, lacing their fingers together. Thomas has stopped ahead of them, kneeling to look at some plants.
“What are those, Thomas?” he asks when they get a little closer.
“Berries. I don’t think they’re edible though, we don’t have any in the greenhouse.” Thomas shakes his head a little.
His hair’s getting long. Maybe Gally should offer to cut it.
Or not. It might be a nice change.
Gally has to fight to keep his face straight, but Minho’s nudge tells him that he’s not entirely successful on that front.
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