#thought expression

[ayyyyytothena]

“I’m Fine Thank You”

I heard you had someone else to replace me.

How does it feel like to finally found someone to replace that spot?

I hope you’re happy, I hope she treats you well as how you treated me.

It hurts a little for the first 5 seconds,

reality kicks in, I’m back to normal.

It’s okay.

You’re not wrong about you found someone as my replacement.

It’s your choice, I have no voice to against it.

Honestly, I kinda feel nothing when I first heard the news.

Seconds after the news, I feel happy.

Finally, it knock some sense in my head to push myself harder to move forwards.

It’s funny a little because why did I felt hurt when I was the one who chose to leave.

You know what?

It’s okay. Be happy with what’s in front of you.

Maybe, I was the walking red flag about us.

I was the toxic ones.

Because when I’m with you,

I finally realise that sometimes I can be pretty tough person to deal with.

I pushed you away at first,

And you pushed me back.

It is better for us not to stay together.

We’re just going to hurt each other despite we both know that we don’t want to leave us.

Be happy.

Learn the lesson carefully.

I’m fine, thank you for your time.

- AJ, 7/7/24

[ayyyyytothena]

“I’ll be fine if you leave me.”

You gave me the words, so I left.

Leaving you was the hardest decision I’ve made.

But I didn’t regret my actions.

You hurt me.

Disrespect me.

You don’t give a damn about me.

Everything in this relationship is only about you.

The closer we get together, the clearer I realise that I need to leave you.

I love you, I did.

But you broke me first.

Slowly, everything about you seems not convincing enough to me.

Even though I know that you’re trying to fix it but….

What else can be fix when there’s nothing to be fix?

Slowly, each seconds, you taught me every little things about you that I shouldn’t be holding onto anymore.

I miss you.

But I never regret that we’ve end things before we ruined the picture.

End it without storms and thunder.

Just grey skies and breezy day.

In case if you’re wondering “How are you?”

I’m good.

Sometimes I do have a glimpse of us but it fades away as reality kicks in.

You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

- AJ , 7/7/24

[ayyyyytothena]

'Numb'-28/11/2020

You know, it's weird.

To understand and identify this emotion.

I've lost 2 people that I love at the same time.

One, I lost her forever. No longer exists in this universe. I deeply loved her. But there's nothing I can do to stop her.

Another one, he still exists. In this universe. I have so many ways that I've done to stop him from walking out from my life. But I've failed.

I just finished my degree while I'm at grief. I just lost my mother and the upcoming 3rd December marks the 4th year my dad passed away. Which the day after I finished my diploma. It brings back all the flashbacks over and over again.

And, my birthday is just less than a month without my loved ones.

A mix feelings raised up in this situation.

I can't describe how I feel, I'm sad and grieving.

Also, I feel confused with what is going on.

I'm trying to sorting out what is actually going on in my life.

At this moment, I know there are few emotions that takes place all at once. Happiness, sadness, disappointment, satisfaction, worry & fear. With all emotions fall at once, I am tired. My brain is tired. Everything happened at the same time.

I'm in shock. I don't know how to react. My brain slowly refuses to work with me. My emotions are taking a break. I feel numb because I cannot comprehend all of this. It makes me cry seeing myself like this.

I'm trying to be tough, so I won't lose myself.

But the other part of me wants to give up.

I don't want to give up.

[eternalyugen]

[laityashesdleted42daryblog-blog]

Just putting this out there, sorry if you react badly to it, my mind isn’t in the best shape in this patch of life I’m in. Anyway, I have this desire to see cuts on my arms. Like I actually desire to see them on my arm… Not deep cuts, but grazes. Mental note to self: this is something I should probably tell my counselor.

Hm... I think my mind is really sick.

[laityashesdleted42daryblog-blog]

Hmm... Why do I care so much about not letting myself give in to this temptation? .... I mean come on. No one would notice except my mom. And idk if it would give me scars if the cuts were really shallow... Idk. I really don't want scars because guys may find me ugly.... .... Oh yeah, nvm, it's a grave sin. Eh, maybe I'll just do the ice cube thing that my psychology/basic counseling professor suggested...

[laityashesdleted42daryblog-blog]