#thoughts within me

[j-in-the-north]

When I got home I had a nap and now I'm sitting in the dark... The reason this is stupid is because it's beautiful outside and here I am with my hearing aids off and laying in the dark. I need a reason. My body feels like a thousand pounds. I claim I love summer yet I spend more time inside. I am mildly allergic to the sun but...and I do have rosacea but it shouldn't stop me. I want to go see Atomic Blonde. Maybe next weekend when I'm in Edmonton. I'm going on a mini vacation because it's all I can afford 😕speaking of which I should really buy my ticket to get there. I'll be at a gaming convention from the 10th to the 13th in Leduc. With my not so great pc. I'll bring the BluRay player in case it craps out so I can watch stuff. Also I need to have a shower. I'm not good at that. Before you get all judgy shut the fuck up. I don't smell because I cannot sweat. My skin doesn't breathe. I can not shower for two weeks and no one will notice. I'm not kidding. I don't have BO because I don't sweat. Seriously when I went to Mexico I was running around in the heat didn't even break a tiny drop of sweat. I might get a bit moist if it's humid and hot but it never gets humid in Alberta it's dry as fuck. Even when I was a big girl it took a lot to make me sweat. Go ahead think I'm lying or gross. Whatever. I probably am gross... 😞

[j-in-the-north]

This week feels so long. And we still have Friday to get through, next week is going to be even longer... Jesi is real good at pushing people away. Wish I could really get back into writing. Property with sentence flow and paragraphs and the like. But my mind is just a jumble these days. A dark jumble of empty. I wore my pretty dress today. I love that dress and want to sleep and live in it right now, but the second I took it off the feeling went away. I'm going to see Dunkirk with the hot bartender friend V, remember him? We are still friends which is nice. No pressure with him. No need to be always hanging or texting. We just do what we like. We are so different. Yet similar. He called me his best friend and I told him no lol But apparently I'm his best pal 😂 silly man, not likely but I'm not going to argue. He lives in the best neighbourhood and I'm a tad bit jealous of the place he lives in, very simple and has the best layout. I want to move. But I have a list of things I want in order to move...like a list people. Wanna see it? Maybe another time... Sorry for the randomness of this post. I'm all over the place. Tired yet awake. Lonely yet not. I want to sleep under the stars but only if it's warm. I want to be taken yet maybe I'd rather be snuggled, I'm not sure. And then I want everyone to get out of my space and shut up...I have a new shirt that says I need Space...think I could secretly wear it to work? No we aren't allowed to wear tshirts or words on clothes. Very rarely at any rate. I want 444 to come guard over me while I sleep...but never again 😞 why...why...because I don't deserve.

[j-in-the-north]

I’m angry at myself for something. For feeling jealous of a woman I barely know, but have watched for a while on Facebook. She passed on and left behind this legacy that is known world wide, and while I am normally envious of those who have legacies, I’m more envious that she wasn’t my mother, that I don’t know how to deeply feel like she did. And I hate myself for feeling like this.

I hate my insomnia. I fucking hate it. It’s going to kill me. I fucking hate sleeping, and yet I need to sleep, I am so damn tired. Why do I only feel hate? And anger? Is this who I am? The compassion and grace for others is going to be replaced with this feeling isn’t it?

I’ve got no skills, no degree, nothing remarkable about me. I don’t know who or what I am.

I hate my body, I spent an hour maybe longer, being disgusted with it, picking at it, wishing I could reshape it or rub shit off or cut it off or smooth it out. I fucking hate it. It’s disgusting. Wtf am I supposed to do with all this…I should just get fat again…but I hated it just as much back then.

I don’t want pity and I don’t want compliments please and thank you. I just…I don’t know what.

[j-in-the-north]

Physically, mentally and otherwise exhausted. I'm beyond tired. And I'm having all these realizations about myself that are troublesome, about my personality and my life. I'm not close with anyone. I know a lot of people and I can have deep meaningful conversations with anyone but there is no intimacy in my life. I have no intimate friendships or relationships. I've got no deep emotional connection to anyone. Not my family nor any of my relationships in the past or my friendships. I'm emotionally detached. I have compassion, wisdom and grace for people but emotionally I'm a dud. I don't know what to do with this. Or how to change it. And I've got no time to deal with it. Sorry I'm not around much but I'm busy pretending to be fine and pretending I'm having a blast.

[vaguesilencee]

Thoughts.

All these thoughts, all these things in my head are slowly killing me. Why do you still come up? Why? I know I've moved on but you still manage to creep in the deepest crevice of my thoughts. I can't make it stop and it is eating me away. Please make it stop.