Oct 11, 2018
Hey guys! I made a comic, maybe I'll make more, who knows!? Guess you'll have to follow me on instagram to find out!(But I'll also probably still post them here for those that perfer to tumble)
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Hey guys! I made a comic, maybe I'll make more, who knows!? Guess you'll have to follow me on instagram to find out!(But I'll also probably still post them here for those that perfer to tumble)
Shoulda Coulda Woulda
August is here! I’ve been doing okay these past few weeks, just trying to soak up every bit of rest I can before my school year starts. The fact that I’m going to be in my senior year hasn’t really hit me in full effect yet but in a few months I’m out of here.
As I expected, at this point I really feel ready to graduate but I know as the date approaches I’m going to become more and more of a sob. I’m just waiting for the inevitable. A big factor of my emotional timeline is knowing where I’m going to be and what I’m going to be doing post grad, which I’m still doing research for. It’s very draining work to envision myself in different places doing different things to test if it sits well with me, but its also really exciting to dream and imagine what my life can look like even a year from now.
Sometime I get in this head space where I obsess and imagine every other thing I could have been doing and building with my life. “Why didn't I go into that?” or “I wonder how hard it is to make it in ___ ?” haunts my mind for a few days to weeks at a time, usually when I’m making major life decisions. I think a part of me just really does not want to miss out on anything, my heart wants it all. And then I look down the path I’ve actually chosen for myself and feel like once I start I can’t ever stop or look around at what anyone else is doing. I don’t think it’s necessarily unhealthy or wrong of me, I think its a natural inclination we all have a little degree of.
After assessing all the million different things I could be doing, it makes my resolution for what I’m actually going to pursue much more stronger. I never want to single myself out and be so rigid in my pursuit of success that I miss out on opportunities or the chance to flourish in a new and life giving way. It’s a cliche but we really only have one life to live.
Spiritually I’ve been on the climb to being more disciplined again in my walk. I’m still trying to be easy on myself and be patient, which I do think I’ve grown a lot in, but that was in the significant absence of people and work/school balance. I want to be able to keep up good spiritual rhythms without it being dissonant with all the other ways I move in the spaces I’m in. I’m just trying to make it for the rest of this 2020, but I won’t be mad if I show up and step out too. Stay tuned...
Psalm 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Joyful Joyful
For those that happen to be reading this, this is simply a series of journal entries documenting the mental happenings of my life. Now that I have the Heart of Shema Instagram page going, I want to make these entries more consistent. Journaling is a really good meditative practice I want to start keeping up with more, and I also feel like I have to practice what I preach. 3 months since posting is not as long as other breaks, but 2020 definitely feels like a year to document and reflect more than years past.
I'm writing this in a very serene, pretty much empty park. I think I was drawn to writing here today because it feels so starkly different than everything going on in the world right now. Ms. Rona seems far from finished, and the racial injustices being brought to light these past few weeks have only soaked my timelines with more trauma than I can physically and mentally bear sometimes. As a black person trying to live in this country, in the worst ways this all feels like a dream. Sitting in this quiet park feels like a dream too in contrast with what;s happening. It’s been really difficult to have a grounded sense of time since March so I think internally I’ve just let that task go. In a way it’s actually been very freeing to not know what day it is for the past 2 months.
In trying to grasp for some sense of reality I'm really happy I decided to start a mental health page (previously linked above). I didn’t know at the time, but being able to release content and connect people to resources related to mental health would not only be a gift to those around me that I love, but to me as well. I mentioned in my previous post that I was spending the earlier part of the year taking a mental inventory, and the quarantine period only made that desire to unpack so much more possible. For better or worst I've never been closer to my thoughts, and I've been able to really build an awareness of my relationship with myself. In this very emotionally fluid summer I haven’t felt my best spiritually and that’s probably for a lot of reasons. I haven’t been able to go to a church for a few months physically and I did not realize how much organized events had a direct tie to how much I feel God present in my week, but it makes complete sense. Also not having to lead anybody spiritually the past few weeks has been really restorative and is giving me much needed time for my own spiritual healing, but I’m aware much of my energy I can put toward growing spiritually is primarily geared toward how I can shepherd those around me well. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to keep in mind for the time being. Aside from all of that I have been really happy spending time with me.
I’m in the process of searching the internet for hours (dispersed) looking for grad school opportunities and trying to map out some sort of timeline after I graduate (Spring 2021 fingers crossed). Recently I’ve realized for the longest time I’ve only really mentally invested in my future up until undergrad. And now its time to sit and start dreaming about the what’s after and its both life-giving and anxiety-inducing all in the same breath. At the moment I’m trying to cultivate some joy in my life that won’t be as easily swayed with whichever way the wind blows. How can I galvanize my joy with resilience in these times? I really don't know what else this year has in store. And I think a part of me is glad that I don't. I don’t know how much present joy I would search for if I knew bad things were coming. In reality they say bad things will always come. So really my joy for today and the joy I hope to find tomorrow has to be independent of what negativity is or isn't going to come my way. I think that’s what I'm learning. I pray things will get better for all us, really soon.
James 1:2-3
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Where Have You Come From?
It’s about time for an update! It’s actually very overdue, seeing as the last one was toward the end of the summer. I just read that last post over and I mentioned that I’m “as excited as I am confused” for the upcoming season, and I can confidently say that the confusion is still going strong. The past few months have been a whirlwind of experiences, and 2020 has evidently shown us all within the first two/three months that it has not come to play. At the start of the year I outlined a collection of goals/resolutions, all revolving around taking inventory and checking in with where I’m at in different areas (and loving myself more!).
I describe this time as being similar to when you’re DEEP cleaning your room and you start by taking everything out. Boxes, books, clothes - everything’s turned on it’s head. And you spend the time taking a look and unpacking a box, sifting through whats good to keep or better to toss away, and moving on the to the next thing. That’s exactly how my brain has been ticking the past few weeks. And just as I love to clean, I’m indulging in this process of unpacking and repackaging my internal inventory. But its hard work! Seeing a mental health professional (seriously consider doing that if you aren't already) and talking intentionally with friends and mentors has gone such a long way, but a lot of the inner work has really been up to me myself and I. What have I been carrying in my head/heart, and why? Why did I choose to do that thing, or why haven’t I started working on this thing? Really assessing what I’ve been building and what I’m building towards has been the theme of my life these past few months.
Though my spiritual life has admittedly felt lackluster the past few weeks (praying that changes soon), I did come across something interesting in my time of processing and healing from past and present experiences. Hagar was an Egyptian slave in the Bible that Sarah and Abraham used to give themselves a son, Ishmael. You can read it for yourself in Genesis 16, but essentially Sarah makes this woman have a baby for her and then gets upset at Hagar for not liking her. So Sarah mistreats her, and Hagar takes her child and runs away. However, as she’s running away someone ‘heavenly’ stops her and asks “Where have you come from and where are you going?” This questions stuns me. I feel as though its odd for this person to ask the two fold question in this moment, but I think it’s significant that as this woman is between her choices she is being asked this existential inquiry.
This describes where I feel I’m at very accurately. I feel as though I’ve managed to perform some sort of escape from the life I had been trying to build for myself in comfort and fear of taking risks, and now I’m being thrown this query of what exactly have I escaped from, and where am I trying to go from here? Earlier in my life this question was a lot more fun to answer because I wasn’t really making an effort to change my circumstances, but as I think about my future next year graduating college (ha), all the roles I’m juggling right now and in the near future, and what choices I’m making in my social and academic life, it could not be a better time to look through my boxes. It may seem overwhelming to tackle both of these inquiries at once, but it makes a lot of sense.
Our future is (as much as we don’t want to believe) deeply connected to our past and what we’ve gone through. Our past experiences give us the tools to handle what’s coming, and I’m learning that nothing goes unused in our story. Identifying what’s been weighing me down and assessing what attitudes don’t serve me anymore gives me the room I need in my heart to take in what’s out there for me to receive in the near (or far) future. The future is actually a lot easier to think about when you sit yourself next to what mountains and valleys you’ve already crossed. There’s nothing new under the sun. And one of the best things about this time is that its also a great way to love and yourself that no one can take away from you. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I need to clean up before I get there. That’s it. This is the end of the post lol.
Genesis 16:7-8
7 The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur.8 And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?”
“I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.
Full-Time Fool for Jesus
It’s about that time again, an update! Exciting, I know. As my summer is wrapping up I’m pushing out one of these so I don’t feel bad 6 months to a year from now when I can’t remember what was going through my mind around this time. The summer season has the potential to look like so many different things for us; rest, pressing in, education, challenges, work (mostly synonymous with challenges). My summer always seems to end up being a mixture of all of these.
This summer is really significant because it seems to be a pivotal point for my life, similar to the part of a relay where two runners are meeting each other to pass the baton. So much has already happened this year and it feels like I have this quick breath to take before I have to jump in to the next sprint. But after pressing in this summer at home I think I’m ready. I think spaces of pause and hiding are important but I never want to stay forever. Even my original space of rest is changing so much. My home church is so different since I left it last semester it feels like I’ve been left behind even more than I already felt. As I get more intimate with Jesus and know His heart more and more I can’t help but feel the distance its creating from cultural ideals that motivated me in the past but stunted my growth in my unique journey.
A big theme for the summer has been my future and what it should and is going to look like. Education, career, location, relationships, ministry, and all that jazz. I’ve gotten so many eye rolls and raised eyebrows as my future is asked about or brought up this summer alone that I almost feel embarrassed towards the end of it. It’s been hard because for such a long time I’ve put my standards of success and achievement in the hand of others that I’ve been told to respect and trust, when really it should be in God’s hands. And I’m realizing this summer that God doesn't want to share His glory with anyone. And to be fair he’s put in most of the work thus far so I can’t blame Him. A lot of the time I want to believe that I can have God’s hand in my life and be assured the approval of others at the same time, but that’s not a promise I’ve heard. I could live my life wholly in God’s will and there’s a chance the people I care to see understand my faithfulness may never get there and continually pierce me with judgement, and it’s a scary thought for me.
I feel this really beautiful passion stirring inside of me for what God may want to do through me and it feels like a treasure that must be kept safe. Comparing myself to others and doubting what I’m capable of and my access to resources will benefit nobody but the Devil. So as I look ahead I’m trusting in God’s goodness that He will not only bring what He’s started to completion in the midst of my messy life but also in the messiness of all these lives around me, cause whew chile...
Regardless of all this I’m doing the electric slide into this new season of leadership and responsibility, taking over as the President for my InterVarsity chapter and starting a new job as an RA (Jesus be a fence). I’m as excited as I am confused, but we’re looking forward to it anyway. There’s a peace that I find in knowing that God is keeping the fullness of my immediate and distant future undisclosed for a reason, and I’m praying it’s for good. I’m continuously living in the now and not yet, understanding that me and Jesus are riding this wave together but he’s also still on the way. And I cant wait to see His face for real. I’m so thankful for the people and spaces that Jesus has trusted me with, and I’m just trying to see to it that I rep Him well enough until I can say I’m truly home.
With Love,
Your favorite Fool for Jesus
John 6:27
Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.
To Be Loved...
It’s been a hot minute but here we are. I just blinked in the new year and now 2019 is almost halfway done. This past semester (Spring 2019) was definitely one for the books. As painful as some parts were for me, looking back at it I can confidently say that God is in the process of making all of it beautiful in a way that only He can orchestrate. There are already glimmers of hope and beauty that I’ve found while pressing in to very deep and broken parts of myself, and while leading others into seeking the beauty in their brokenness as well. I will always be grateful for the ways God allows the narratives of my community to overlap and intersect in ways that we couldn't have planned ourselves.
Coming into the last few weeks of the semester I really did feel overdrawn in my emotional/spiritual/mental bank account. I think naturally I’ve been inclined to give what I have because a part of me knows it wasn't really my own to begin with; I am where I am because someone else was gracious. With that, I gave a lot of loans away frequently with little to no interest (don’t know if these finance allusions are landing but we’re going with it). I had this really rough week towards the end where I was put in a position to ask a lot of people for favors and small ways they could help me as I wrap up and try to move out and finish well. I hated it. There was a deep part of me that hated the idea that I needed people to get things done. I’m currently in a season where I’m confronting my ideologies about loneliness and relationships and it seemed as though all that existential thinking couldn't come at a worst time. But all together it actually put me in my place, and started me on the right path.
There was a part of me I discovered that needed to allow myself be loved and served by others. I’m afforded the privilege of being able to turn away favors and work independently most of the time if I wanted to, but going through that ‘time of need’ week and reflecting on my semester in general made me realize how essential it is to be loved just as much as you are loving others. My personality tests will tell you I’m the helper and advocate, which often times leaves me and my needs and desires out of the picture until further notice. But I’m slowly growing in this appreciation of God’s favor in my life that allows me to lean onto people that will support me and understand that I don't have it all together most of the time. After the semester ended, I spent a week in the hometown of one of my best friends and it was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Just to relax and be at the mercy of his kindness and hospitality really made me so aware of the ways I haven't done much of that since I’ve been here in college for the last 2 years. I’ve been so privy to giving myself away and laying my life that I forgot I need to intentionally allow people to lay their lives for me too.
I think about how Jesus allowed His disciples to get Him food when He was waiting for the woman at the well in John 4, or anytime he accepted people’s invitation to stay at their homes. Jesus made it a practice to accept love from others. Bearing in mind He’s the Son of God and most definitely deserves anything we can offer him, I think he was showing us another dimension of discipleship and servanthood. As I enter into a new stage of life with more responsibilities and as I grow deeper in my identity and callings, I need to not only take this sentiment with me as I journey but prioritize it. Am I going to be generous with my time and give it to others to love me well? Am I going to let others serve me in ways I could fulfill myself, just to give them the chance to show their love for me? I think letting others love you brings humility and allows us to grow in a posture of self-aware insufficiency that we all need to bring us closer to the feet of Jesus. Jesus lives and loves through His children, are we going to let Jesus love us?
Now I’m going to take a nap.
1 John 4:11-12
11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
Taking a Breath
I think it’s really important after periods of time to sit back and reflect and what the heck just took place and what you need to take away from that. From start to finish this year (2018) has been a crazy journey. Even the last four months felt like a whole year on its own, but it also flew by in 2 minutes (how does that even work?).
I think the purpose of a lot of this year has been to mature me internally and prepare me spiritually for stepping out into the world as I further transition from my adolescence. For this post I’m just going to drop some gems I’ve learnt and need to hold onto as I wait in expectation for what God has coming up for me:
He’s the same God. The same God that protected me and kept me from perishing in my past will be the same God that keeps me for whatever comes in the future. His faithfulness is a testament to His ability to always be there for me, now and forever.
Be forgiving in the present. There are people and situations that have hurt me but are still a present reality and I need to learn and continue to forgive them in the moment, I can’t wait until after it’s all over. My heart can begin healing during the storm.
God orders my steps. People have been calling me an angel recently, and I honestly don’t know how it makes me feel. It’s flattering and I appreciate the affirmation, but I would like people to know that it’s God that carries me through situations and allows me to walk with people with a grace that only He could be providing. If in some small way I can be part of God’s masterpiece, it’s both an honor and a privilege and I need not take it for granted.
You are an elected exile. I’ve been chosen for such a time as this, but there’s a promised place beyond this season that God is calling me home to.
Sowing and Reaping. I need to keep pouring into people, that is how I seek God’s face. I’m reaping what God has already been working on forever. There is so much love to be given and so much ways to serve, I just have to find it and give myself up for it. I must continue to lay my life for who God calls me to.
Carrying on. People have trusted a lot of things with me to carry on, and it’s in my best interest and in the best interest of those around me that I uphold and treasure these qualities and assignments. I’m called to be a voice that unites people, and in places where I see injustice or places where God is not being centered I need to speak up. I need to continue to steward the gifts God has given me well, and strive to grow in them.
Psalm 103:20-22
20 Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. 21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. 22 Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the Lord, my soul.
Your SonDei Sermon. Prepared on Satyrday. Have a good morning, kids. #SonDei #sondeistories #growingupchristian #thoughtsandstuff #inspiration #wearetracy https://www.instagram.com/p/BqUl8MGA3Gp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=c7cpa3wqgp60