May I request some wisdom? Im just not into hooking up and macking on people or whatever. How does one navigate the dating scene if youre just not interested in sexual intimacy, but youd be open to dating? Also. I dont think ive ever told you that your relationship with wizzard gives me a lot reassurance that being asexual doesnt mean solitude forever.
All right, lemme start by saying it has been a long ass time since I’ve…”dated?” My MO since about the age of 19 has been to make a really good friend, and then turn to them and be like, “So…you wanna? Be a thing? You know? Us?”
This works great, because your really good friend already knows how you feel about sexual higgledy-piggledy. They’ve probably been thinking about Being A Thing with you for a while, too, and they’ve worked ‘we’re not gonna bone down, at least not in a conventional sense’ into their math. Very likely, they have dropped some Big Hints about whether or not they’d be okay with that. Like, you’ve been talking about your sexuality with them over a glass of wine late one night, and they’ve blushed and avoided your eyes and tried really hard to sound cool and like they’re not talking about you, or anyone, really, in particular, and said, “I mean, I’m sure that’d be a problem for a lot of people, but for me personally, you know…if I really cared about somebody…and like, wanted to be with them…like, we’d figure something out. I’d be willing to give that up. You know. To be with somebody I really…really cared about.” And then they look into your eyes soulfully and longingly and gulp down their wine too fast and then make a weak joke in an attempt to change the subject before they say something they can’t take back.
I have had almost this exact conversation with four different people, and I went on to have long-term, meaningful romantic relationships with all of them. I cannot overstate how fucking good at this I am. I am the allosexual whisperer.
So I guess my advice is don’t date. Dating comes with a lot of sexual expectations, and busting out “just so we’re on the same page, I’m probably not gonna want you to put anything inside of me, ever” is not a closer. Just make friends. Make friends with people you could see yourself maybe having a deep and ultimately romantic connection with. You can still go out to movies, get dinner together, have drinks and cuddle on the couch and get thrillingly too-affectionate: you know, all the dating stuff. Some of them will be more open to the idea of being in a relationship with an asexual person than others. So long as everyone’s being sensitive and honest about each other’s needs, you’ll find someone.
But if you want to have the more traditional dating experience…accept that these are going to be very short relationships? Most people in ‘the dating scene’ are looking to get laid. You might get two or three dates before you need to cut them loose with a “let’s just be friends,” and the odds of ever hearing from them again after that are low.