haha don't read this, i just need to get things out of my system byye
Is it so wrong – is this so wrong?
Could I ever be enough? Could someone see how much I am struggling? I’ve been fighting all my life, chasing after things people are expecting from me. I’m trying to say I’m strong. It’s hard for me, why can’t you understand? Why won’t you listen to me?
Every fucking day since I was six, I have against my own will forced myself to get out of bed to go to school. Every day I fought not to stay under the safety in my own bed. Why? Because I wasn’t safe there either. If I didn’t fight in school, and pretended everything was alright, I’d probably just hear what a fantastic failure I am.
In school I fought against bullies and teacher who’d blame me for being annoying or bothering everyone else. At home I got to learn I was a disappointment, that I was a freak and not the child my parents had wished for, because I simply had no friends. “Don’t just sit here with your books, go out and play, like normal kids.” Well no one wanted to play with me.
I learned after a while to shut up. Everything I had to say was a fault in humanity. If I said ‘stop’ too loud in the classroom, I was a trouble maker who had to sit in front with the teacher and earn that stern look. Later my parents would here about how I disturbed the order in the classroom and me nine year old me would again get that, “what are we going to do with you?” “So disappointed in you.”
So instead I said nothing at all.
I shut my mouth, and I’m still the world’s biggest disappointment.
And now I have to fight every day to get my ability to talk, back. No one wanted to hear my voice, so you took it away. I’m fighting every day and makes bigger steps for every second I grow. I want to be proud of myself, of how I’m growing and becoming better, stronger, but all I get is how I can’t just sit here and do nothing.
I am not just sitting here and I’m not doing nothing. I’m fighting so, so hard. I’m fighting to win. I’m fighting to be better and stronger, than anyone who has ever ruined me. I’m fighting to become better than any of those teachers who never listened and instead gave me shit for trying to fit in, and making me believe that I was worthless.
I’m fighting to be better than anyone of those child who too made me believe I’m worthless. Every one of you who ever let your gaze pass by me, pretending to not see me (did I ever really exist?). Everyone who let out a sigh when we were paired up in school, or those of you who laughed at the person who got paired with me. Everyone who pushed me out of the line. Everyone who has ever called me a freak. Ugly. Fat. Annoying. Stupid. Disgusting.
All of you who said that I don’t deserve to live, because no one wants to look at me. I’m fighting to be better than you. Because you destroyed me, broke me into pieces. And I’m left to pick it up, convinced that I will one day be better and bigger than you. But still not sure that I will make it at all.
I fight to be better than my parents. Who never did a good job at being just that, parents.
I fight to get away from here. Far away, to never look back. The place who made me feel like a prisoner, that scream from every corner of the air, you will not make it, you’ll be stuck, forever unhappy, till you die and be free, you’ll never make it.
I fight so hard. Every day, and I want nothing but to be proud of myself, but it gets washed out, because apparently I’m not good enough. It is never enough. I try and I try and I try. But apparently I’m not good enough. Will I ever be?
I figured, after fighting my 13 years of hell in school, maybe I can start living now? Is it my turn?
You hear about how you’ll be free when school ends. All I ever wanted, freedom. Time to take care of myself, help myself to build up everything that you broke for me. Just a couple of months, for once doing what I like, while I look forwards, to the future. A couple of months to build myself up, fight. Get to know myself, teach myself how to be strong.
Just a while, before I leave again, a better me. Stronger. Leaving to catch the world. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to want something for myself, just this one time? Is it so wrong of me to want to find happiness? Is it?
I’ve learned that whatever I do, it will never be enough, for everyone else. But I want to be enough for me, myself. I want to make it good, show everyone that hell yeah, I’m incredible. But I mostly want to show myself, that yes, I am better than anyone of you who ever picked me down. I really am.
And I am not just sitting here all the time doing nothing. I am fighting, I fight to win this battle. It’s evil towards good. And I want to make the good win. Not just for myself, but for anyone who wasn’t treated like they deserved and was picked down to pieces by people thinking they’re better. I want us to win.
I am searching, looking for job. I really, really am. I’m taking one little step at the time, while I fight, fighting to get past whatever shit I learned from anyone who breaks me. Fighting to believe that hah, I can actually do this, that I’m not worthless, or whatever it was you liked to tell me. And one day I might actually believe myself when I say I’m good enough. And one day I will make it. I will be better than anyone of you.
I’m not like everyone else, I know that. I had to walk the hard road to get here. And that’s hard, to fit in, when I have been thought, that I won’t ever fit in, I’m not good enough.
But one day, one day I will be done fighting. I will walk with pride, feeling that I have succeed. I will fly from the bottom, up to the absolute top. If I have to do it by myself, then so be it. But one day, I will meet someone on the street and say ‘hello’, without worrying that I said too much, that the person will be disgusted over that I even looked at her/him.
One day. And until then, I will never stop fighting. I will never give up.
