i have to learn to accept the fact that him and i are not a reality anymore, i have to come to terms with the fact that the life i pictured with him was just my imagination and even though it breaks me every day that i need to let him go because he deserves the chance to be happy and i was unable to give him everything he deserved. it will hurt to see him move on to better things without me. it will hurt when everynight when i would sit there crying over him that he is living his life growing older and making memories while our time fades away. one day i hope to be able to look back at him and remember the fun we had, before the world tormented us and we became the monsters we despised, and hopefully i will forget the day we gave up because we couldn’t keep breaking each other even though all we wanted was to give the world. i hope to remember him for the way he smiled when he would tell me he loves me, for the way his hugs where the only way to escape the troubles of the world outside of us, for the way his eyes shined when he would laugh while rolling around in my bed. i hope to remember him by the fact that he was my first love, that he was the one that helped me when i believed that life was crashing down. not to remember him by the one causing it to crash. and i hope that he remembers me as the girl who gave him the world, the one who loved him unconditionally with all that was left of her youthful heart. and one day when our memories of each other become clouded and foggy i hope that we find each other, that our paths cross while we are learning to live the life we strive to achieve, i hope that one day we will be able to live the dreams we believed when we first met as young 12 year olds. but for now, i can’t make him love me if im not his hearts desire, for now i need him to go on with his life and leave me in this idle town we once called home, and as much as i want to run to him and tell you to turn around and stay that would be unfair, he deserves to be happy and not stuck in a life of fighting with all our hearts because our love has been scared and now hides at the back of our hearts. so as he have left me, i am letting go because i realise that the person i met before is now a stranger to me, and i hope that we one day may forgive each other for the secrets and lies we told each other and ourselves. but what my mind is trying to say is i want him be happy, and perhaps one day i will be able to try and catch up to him and even though as much as it pulls me apart and crushes my heart im stuck with this feeling of suffering i know that we both deserve better.
a letter to my too soon soulmate from my 15 year old self
