// personal, PTSD
I am very tired.
I’ve been traumatized for .. almost my entire life. It’s just a fact of life for me, though I wish it weren’t. I had a new traumatic event this year, just a few months ago, which has left a pretty lasting wound I’m having to work on actively. I’ve lost some sleep over it. I’ve wished I could go back in time and change it - something I rarely wish.
But the most upsetting thing to me, at least right now, is how trauma from nearly seven years ago is still so prevalent in my life. I’ve been going to therapy weekly for years … I’ve been putting in the work and trying so hard to get to a better place, and yet I couldn’t sleep the other night because I’ve been getting flashbacks again. Someone brought up the trauma in casual conversation and I disassociated so badly I didn’t feel like I was in my body or in the place I knew, logically, I was. I had to wait before I could drive and try not to cry so people wouldn’t know I’d been crying alone in the car.
I wish I could be free of this. I really am trying … I want the freedom to come faster. And I desperately, desperately wish this never would’ve happened in the first place.
