hi guys. I have a sort of important announcement I have to make, and some of you might not even be surprised by this but my friends will be because this is where they're going to hear about it first. somehow this feels easier, to say it here. I want to be my authentic self which is really terrifying to me due to personal reasons. I don't feel fully ready to admit this even to myself but I think maybe this is a good start. you know. telling thousands of people on the internet instead of my close group of friends.
I'd like to start using she/her/he/him pronouns, skip right past they/them and go balls deep in he/him. anyways. not to be dramatic but i'm gonna throw up. please keep calling me miss cock though, in a he/him way. I don't know how to label my gender yet, but it's time I stop pretending i'm cis. hope that you guys can support me on this journey.
Honestly I am kinda in shock learning about the discrimination that trans men talk about experiencing so I just wanna say for all the FTM, demiboy, masc-adjacent trans folks out there that your identity is valid & your experience as a trans person is important, never stop talking about it. Your adoption of masculinity is a beautiful thing and deserves to be celebrated. Being able to claim that part of yourself and share it with the world (or just yourself, if you aren’t out) is powerful and brave, and you deserve to feel good for it. Y’all are always welcome to a seat at the metaphorical table of my blog. Yall have all sorts of difficulties us trans girls don’t have to even be aware of, T shortages, being both subject to & assumed to perpetuate toxic masculinity, erasure of your voices in places your voice should be highlighted, exclusion from necessary resources, and that’s just the start.
I can’t fix it all but I can be a friend to yall & listen to your voices when you speak up. As trans people, we’re all in this together and we have to have each other’s backs.
I don’t want this to be a downer post so idk if you see this feel free to add some trans masc joy/celebration in the notes so folks can celebrate it! If you’re not trans masc seeing this post, check the notes and show our trans siblings some love :3
since I turned 23 and started doing some digging more into my potential pluralism etc, ive had a suspicion i might HAVE BEEN a girl as a kid. And thats why my mum finds it so hard to come to terms with me being trans. Because I *was* pretty content as a kid UNTIL I HIT PUBERTY.
And then maybe I mightve integrated with one of my other headmates, and then thats why I was gender fluid for a while coz I remember I was kinda okay with my tits because I felt "beautiful" and "attractive" because of yknow the BEAUTY STANDARDS... but Im not sure if I felt beautiful because of those standards... or if it was because I was just the femme side of genderfluid...
Then yknow continued years of trauma n shit made me integrate/split again and now Im just a boy fully now.🤷♂️ and that girls just been "watered down" so far that she doesnt exist anymore?? Because as far as Im aware of whos in the system, we only bois now? Or at least nonbinary-MASC...?
Trans Journal because I need to gather some thoughts.
My mother is a scrapbooker, and has brought me to many events called "crops" through the years and I'm here helping at one today. We're sorting through photos to figure out which ones still need to go into albums. Which ones can be sent to my cousins. And I'm just absolutely cackling at some of these because you can see signs if you know what to look for. Six years younger cousin, who is also FTM, and I just being "tomboys". And there I am wearing jeans, a sleeves cut off flannel, and a ballcap. The butch vibes are so, so strong already. Cousin is rocking a Hulk tee shirt and jorts. You go, little me and little cousin. We were delightfully weird little tomboys and the love I see in these photos made us the men we are today.
I would also like to thank those who have the sentiment of "no, I was a weird little girl. I am the man I am now because I was a weird little girl" and echoed it until it reached me. That has helped so incredibly much with this task. I still cringe at some of these outfit choices, but it was the 90s and early aughts. The ones of my mom from the 80s are even better and damn does fashion cycle. But y'all have helped me approach these with a better mindset and now my Mom and I are calling most of these my "early drag era" because I was trying so hard to be FIERCE.
Took my first dose of testosterone today and I am going to be 35 in May.
I’m afraid because … it’s scary to do these things. I’m worried, a lot, about the social consequences.
I feel guilty because maybe it should have been a bigger struggle; there are other big things happening in my life, and is everything moving too quickly? All of it makes me feel afraid about being accepted, supported, and derided. But, also, I’m willing to risk it.
I have a desire & the means, though. So, here I go.
September is the month of mental pain. I understand why it is suicide prevention month (at least here in Japan), but at the same time, I wish I didn't recognise it.
I have been questioning my identity since around the time Covid struck. And I came out as trans last April - online only, NOT exposed in real life. Why? ..Best not to ask right now.
All this time, I feel like I am alone in this situation... Everything I’m going through… It’s far too complicated for anyone to understand. Multiple issues cross over, creating one large issue, and there are several of those…
I wish I could move to another country.
Keep in mind that Japan, like the majority of Asia, do not recognise and support neutral genders or “third option.” They act as if those does not exist in the world. Most if not all physically transitioned people via surgery do not get verification of transitioning, meaning that their “gender” (sex) does not change. Heck, HRT medications do not exist. And if those do exist, there would likely be a court battle (a formal request) before starting them. Much worse than UK’s 5-year waiting queue.
If you wish to move to Japan… You must make a sacrifice. You can’t be queer in this place. You won’t get rights.
Gender roles are a crucial part of Japanese society, and I wish that could change.
My personality and tendencies are NOT that of typical men’s. If I don’t talk much even when given the chance, I often walk with my hands waving sideways (only the right hand), or put one of my hand on my chest. I tend to lengthen my hair, and people around stops me from it. I wear oversized clothings with natural-looking colours now that I can choose on my own. I check my body, especially the tops, wishing I had different body shapes.
Every day, it’s just.. fighting mentally to live. I can’t ask people around me for help… I only ask to those who I trust.. online. None of them are in Asia. Could had been better if we were close.. and hug them. It’s only painful to be here.
I am falling through a depression loophole. No bottom to land on. Is there no hope for me..?
