Read a poem recently that made me think differently about my transness.
We've all heard the saying about how God made you trans for the same reason he made wheat but not bread: so humans can delight in their creation. It's a beautiful image, the idea of a community coming together to transform one person into another.
This poem, however, frames it differently. None of your own feelings matter when God has plans for you. In keeping with the previous sentiment, God has plans to use my transness to bring a community together. And while that sounds good on paper, it means that one can't just live a normal life.
Oftentimes my transness feels like a burden on my life. Much like the subject of the poem, I can't just remain insignificant. It's a call to action, that I must educate people and advocate wholeheartedly for social change and give up all privacy because my gender gives me the ability to do so. But in all honesty? I don't like the childhood God has given me. I don't like never having gotten to be a normal kid or a normal teenager. I never wanted this life, never wanted to be some divine tool. I just wanted to remain insignificant. I just wanted to be normal.
But like the subject of the poem, I'm expected, designated to be a Saint. For the rest of my life, my transness will dictate my life. I will forever be a tool for God to bring people together. I will always be wheat needing to be made into bread by others. I'm always going to be another figure they can operate on and show off, like when you take a pen apart and put it back together to prove you can. All because I want to live as the opposite gender.
